Its been a while, I’m not really sure where the time has gone, but I have been up to quite a bit, mostly revolving around self-care. As you will have gathered from my last blog post, I was spiralling back down the hole at rapid speed, after a few weeks of crying, moping and generally feeling sorry for myself I decided to take my life back. The first thing I did is booked in to see a counsellor. I have written previously about my CBT therapy, which I found somewhat helpful and my counselling sessions, maybe not so helpful. I decided that given my previous counselling sessions didn’t go so well as I didnt really gel with the counsellor, I decided to give it another go after a particularly bad weekend. I went onto the BACP website (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) and decided to look for a counsellor near my office, the website shows pictures so I changed the search to my area and came across one woman whose picture I felt quite drawn to, sent her an email and jumped on the train to London to meet a friend for lunch. On my way home I had a response from her giving her price details, which were reasonable and saying she had an appointment available the following day at 2pm, this was meant to be.
The following morning, still feeling particularly tearful and down, I bit the bullet and booked a doctor’s appointment for the following week, I had conceded I may just need to go back on anti depressants, this would give me two counselling sessions in between so if I started to feel better I could always cancel.
I was anxious about my first session, although to be honest I was anxious about everything lately, but as soon as my counsellor, who I shall refer to as “D”, I was instantly relaxed, she has a very calming way about her. As soon as I sat down I just started blabbering, only stopping when she asked questions, I got quite tearful, but it felt so good to just unload without being judged. I came away feeling a little lighter and quite exhausted, I knew that things weren’t going to change overnight (even though, me being the most impatient woman in the world wants them changed NOW!)
I am very lucky to have quite a few friends who are into self-care and after speaking to one of them, they recommended an herbal tablet called 5-HTP, once of things its supposed to do is boost your serotonin. So off I popped to Holland & Barratt to pick some up, I was willing to try anything. I started taking these on the same day as my second session with D. This time there were a few more questions and it was really insightful, I cried (obvs) but after just two sessions, random things started making sense, nothing groundbreaking, she’s not a miracle worker after all, but I got more out of those two sessions than I did in all my other sessions put together.
Two days later, I had my doctor’s appointment. The doctor was very kind and I expressed my concerns about going back on the tablets, I wanted to rule out any other possibilities, such as early menopause, so he arranged for me to have a blood test later that week. I also mentioned the herbal tablets (which he’d never heard of) and said I wanted to see how I got on with those.
The blood test results came back the following week, I have some inflammation, so I need to go for another one in a few weeks time, but he didn’t seem concerned, I explained that I felt a bit better on the herbal tablets, so would leave going on the anti depressants for now. I had another session with D, where I managed not to cry yay me! But sadly she is on holiday for the whole of August so I will see her again in September. After seeing her I felt a lot better so we agreed I would see how I went and if I wanted to go back I would just book in. Well of course a few days later I started having mini meltdowns again. Nothing major but just loads of little things such as parking tickets and silly arguments with my mum and just random stuff happening, I cried to my husband one day saying I just feel like I am being tested, for what I don’t know.
I am determined to not be dragged back into this hole, some days are good, some are ok and others are unbearable but I have to keep going as I know this will not last forever and things will get better so I am currently taking the following steps:
- Messaging my life coach friend each night with 3 things I am grateful for.
- Completing my LOA planner – I finally filled in all the prep work required and started using it properly on 31st July.
- Filling in my 5 year diary each night
- Making weekly meal plans and getting back on the Slimming World Wagon, I am utterly convinced that losing a substantial amount of weight will go a long way towards easing my depression as I wont feel so down about myself
Some days I breeze through and do all of the above and enjoy it and others I struggle to lift up my head, but sometimes just forcing myself to do one of the above, spurs me on to do the next and before you know it I’ve done them, enjoyed them (after putting them off) and feel better just because I have that sense of achievement, even if its small sense of achievement, it’s better than sitting there thinking “I am such a failure because I didn’t do that today”
Today for example, I sat down and wrote this blog, despite putting it off all day 🙂