Slimming World, Hormones & Me

As you have probably gathered from my previous posts, I am now doing Slimming World. I won’t refer to it as a diet, as in actual fact, I’m not being deprived of any food (or alcohol – and I think we can all agree I like a drink or 10)

For those of you not familiar with Slimming World, here is the basic concept. All lean meat, most fish & seafood, fruit & vegetables are what is known as free food, you can have as much of this as you like, this also includes potatoes, pasta & eggs. Yes you read that correctly, as my Mum often said when she was giving me her slimming world sales pitch “you can eat a whole bag of potatoes if you like” but it’s true (although I’m yet to try it) then you have what is known as healthy extras one list is made up of certain dairy products (milk & cheese) and the other is fibre (bread, crackers, cereals) you are to have one from each list per day. Then all other food is given a “syn” value for example a large glass of my much beloved Sauvignon blanc is 11.5 syns. When you sign up to Slimming world, you are given a daily syn allowance, mine for example is 12-15 per day. When you sign up you have access to an online portal where you can find the syn value of most food brands and restaurants and there is also a calculator for anything else. So I can, if I want, still have a large glass of wine every day if I like! Hurrah!

So I’m back on the slimming world wagon (after a 4 week Christmas break) I have lost 3.5lb in 2 weeks, in this time I’ve drank (too much) wine, been to an Indian restaurant (and ate with abandon) celebrated 2 children’s birthdays and not done any extra exercise (I walk 30 mins to Work and 30 mins home which I’ve always done) so I’m pretty much in love with the Slimming World concept right now.

I am not, however, loving my hormones. Sunday night I started to feel, well weird, like I’d had too much caffeine but fed up with it, jittery misery is the only way to describe it. I took Monday off of work as I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for people, this was a mistake as staying home watching Jeremy Kyle only made me more miserable and I was out of my routine. I was now blaming the crateload of prosecco I’d consumed over the weekend. Back to work tomorrow!

Tuesday morning was met with a Moany man banging on about my alarm being snoozed too much and waking him up (he had to get up anyway) I just wasn’t in the mood for his misery so I cried about it when he got in the shower, silently ranting at his cruelty of daring to tell me off when I am feeling so sensitive (like he knew about it)

Wednesday at work was uneventful but I still wasn’t feeling myself, whilst driving home from the station I attempted parking my car on my drive and hit the fence taking half of the back of my car off whilst my boyfriend stood and watched from the doorstep with his hand over his mouth, I just left the car abandoned across the drive, threw him the keys shouting “YOU DO IT!!” I stomped upstairs put my pyjamas on and cried for a bit. Fucking fence.

Advertisements

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone!

I have to say, at the risk of sounding like a complete killjoy, I am glad it’s all over.

I am not going to write about the things I thought I was going to write about, such as how I have gone from being Mrs Christmas to Scrooge, or how I keep having very bizarre, vivid dreams. Nope, I am going to wipe the slate clean and look forward, instead of back.

So I admit it, I am one of those New Year, New Me people this year. I have set my goals for the year so I thought I would share them with you.

  1. Lose weight. Oh yes, everybodys favourite! Since meeting my boyfriend I have put on over 2 stone and it really gets to me. This year however, I have a huge incentive. I’m getting married!! Although I have ordered my dress and it looks lovely as I am now, I am not happy with the way I am. I don’t want to go out as much anymore as I never feel nice in my clothes and I hate shopping as it is but the awful feeling of trying stuff on and it’s too tight or just looks horrible does not help my mental state at all. I have been doing slimming world, where I lost 8lb but then have put half back on after having a few weeks off at Christmas, but I am confident that I can shift some serious weight, without starving myself, in fact I eat more now than ever!
  2. Get Fit. This actually has nothing to do with weight loss, this has more to do with my general health. My joints are aching and I don’t seem to bounce back from illnesses like I used to and once again exercise is good for the mind. The plan is to try to exercise 3 times a week and I would like to mix it up a bit by doing some running, HIIT sessions and even giving yoga a go. This is all in my diary to start next week, I prefer exercising in the mornings as if I wait until I come home I wont do it! If I feel like starting this week I will, I just didn’t want to put any pressure on myself to do everything New Years Day.
  3. Write more. I really do enjoy writing, often I will be somewhere and have the urge to write but am not always able to so I want to try to  make more time for this as I find it really therapeutic. Again I have scheduled some time in my diary for this, I am starting with one lunch time per week and can build it from there, so you should expect to see more of me.
  4. Have more me time. I learned a really good word last year. That word is “NO” It took me a long time to get used to saying that to people, I would feel guilty and end up spending time and money I didn’t have to spend. This year is going to be more about doing the things I want to do and less of the things I don’t want. It’s certainly not going to be easy but I know it will be worth it. I noticed that when I had a lot of things going on, my stress levels would go up and I would be a mess, then once it was all over the anxiety would arrive. More diary time, I’ve scheduled every other Wednesday as my boyfriend plays football on Wednesday nights and every other Sunday when he takes the kids to his parents for the afternoon. This gives me time alone to do whatever I want to.
  5. Be less anxious/stressed. I am hoping that the combination of all of these goals will really help with this one. I am finding that if I get stressed it goes from 0-100 it affects my sleep, my relationships, everything. The same with the anxiety. For this my plan is to do all of the above plus perhaps slip a bit of meditation into my routine, this can easily be done on my commute to work

I know it seems like I have put a lot of things on my to do list and in my diary but I am very much a routine person and once its in there I don’t even think about it. I have told myself I am not going to be too rigid, there are going to be occasions when I simply cannot do it all, but the aim of the game is small baby steps, if I find that something isn’t working, I’ll change it, just as long as I try.

I like to use tools and apps for everything too. For the weight loss I am a member Slimming World and got a lovely organiser for Christmas to help with this from Princess Planning I also set up my own Instagram account purely for my weight loss and that really helps, plus I don’t bore all my friends with my food pics as they go on there.

I downloaded the You App to my phone which gives you little daily tasks to do, I love stuff like this and there is no pressure to do them it’s just a nice idea.

I also downloaded an app called reflectly which is like a micro journal, it asks you a couple of questions at the end of each day, such as things you are grateful for and how you rate the day.

I also have a couple of books to fill in. I bought 52 lists last year and kept forgetting to do it so now I have a reminder for Sunday morning to take some time each week to complete my list.

And finally, the last thing I do before I go to bed each night is to complete my one line a day diary which my life coach friend bought for Xmas. I love it and already started it last  night.

So those are my goals for the coming year, what are yours?

 

The Hole

I haven’t been on here for a while, a combination of wedding stuff, work and being generally fed up. I recently had a conversation with my boyfriend about depression and the only way I could describe it is like this.

There is this hole, it’s always there, most days I’m sitting on the edge of the hole with my legs dangled in, the whole point of every single day is to not fall into it and it’s not as easy and you would think. Some days I am in the hole with my arms trying to hold myself up, these days are quite exhausting and I have to fight so hard not to fall, I get into a panic because I really don’t want to be in the hole. Other days I am dancing around the hole and some days I can barely see it, but its always there. Then, there is the inevitable day when my arms give up and I fall in, these are the worst days, there is no ladder in the hole, I know I will eventually get out but my mind is so clouded in panic or sadness that it seems impossible, nothing is good when I’m in the hole, it’s so dark I cannot see any light and I just want to curl up and stay there forever as sometimes trying to get out is just too hard.

I found having this conversation with him has really helped, he seems to understand more. I was walking to work the other day after a particularly sad stint in the hole and I had one arm out of it, I was struggling to find anything positive to think or feel when he sent me a text, just asking how I am feeling and telling me he loved me. It was like something yanking me straight out of the hole and up on my feet, I felt instantly lighter.

Dont get me wrong, I’m fully aware that this may not work all the time and sometimes it doesn’t matter what people say or do, sometimes you’re too far in the hole to notice but just because you’re in the hole it doesnt mean it’s forever, even though it feels like it at the time.

What really helps is someone knowing about the hole, so that when you are in it they can pop their head in and remind you that you’re not alone.

Now I have got to grips with this hole analogy, it does make things a little easier. I can address it and gauge where I am in the hole, I am being mindful I suppose. It’s not going to go away but I can hopefully shorten my time in the hole and maybe eventually stop falling in.

Needlessly Needy

After a very busy summer, autumn is upon us. There have been weddings, holidays, a witch (crazy ex girlfriend) weekend trips and another leg injury. I have also decided to join slimming world as I was unfortunately finding the 90 day plan unsustainable, I love Joe but it just wasnt working for me. Slimming world however has seen me lose 5lb in 4 weeks, although I did put 2lb back on after a little trip to paris, but that’s a given.

As the shorter days and darker nights are creeping in, so is something else, my insecurities. I am becoming increasingly insecure and needy and I absolutely bloody despise it, which doesn’t really help me feel any better about myself, it just gets added to the long list of “things I don’t like about me”

Take this weekend for example, my boyfriend went on his annual golf trip, he’s been every year since before we met and I was actually looking forward to having the house to myself. I had arranged for some friends to come over on the Friday night and see some friends for lunch on Saturday, giving me Saturday afternoon/evening and all day and night Sunday. This turned out to be a huge mistake.

I was fine until Sunday, for some reason I kept crying, I honestly couldn’t tell you why, what I can tell you is that I really just wanted my boyfriend, I mean how ridiculous is that? I am 36 years old, I’m a grown woman, yet here I am crying on the sofa trying to fathom out why, which then made me cry even more. As the day went on I managed to calm myself a bit and do some of the things I had planned to do (make a slimming world cheesecake for one!) then the cry baby in me came back again, then all of a sudden out of nowhere, a nice bit of paranoia just to mix up a bit. “Yeah he’s probably met someone else” Oh FFS brain. Do one.

When he did eventually get home just after midnight, I was emotionally exhausted, but couldn’t sleep. I gave him a big hug then told him I had missed him, then cried (again) I told him what had happened, although I gave him the very basic, light version, so as he didn’t know just how mental I really am.

I woke up today, thinking I would feel better, but sadly I don’t. I feel like I am needing some sort of reassurance, but I dont really know what for or why. I feel unbelievably sad, like just someone speaking to me in an off tone might make me cry and of course none of this is helped by the fact that I am tired as I went to bed so late.

I know I need to sort this out but my brain is so consumed with worry and sadness I can’t think straight. When did I go from being this independent, outgoing woman to this needy insecure wretch that doesn’t want to do anything anymore?

I did do some reading on this and read a lot about how relying on others to make you happy often brings unhappiness. I am hugely guilty of this, I am the type of person who thinks people think how I think, so when someone is thoughtless, even unintentional, it really bloody hurts my feelings. If for example, my boyfriend has had a bad day, I will make him something nice for dinner, give him control of the TV and just generally look after him. If I have had a bad day, the above still happens for my boyfriend, not for me. I know I need to realise that not everyone thinks like me, he may not even want me to do those things, he probably would just rather I sodded off upstairs and left him alone, but the truth is I do these things because that’s what I would like if I was feeling like that and therefore I am setting myself up for a fall as god dammit he doesn’t think like me.

So now, I am resolving to try my best and put myself first and not feel guilty about it, the guilt is another battle in itself but I do feel there may be some truth in it, how can I expect others to put me first when I am not deeming myself important enough?

So wish me luck people and I’ll let you know how that cheesecake is.

Its so trying when I am always bloody crying

I’ve been off my anti depressants for just over four weeks now. I was pretty happy with the fact that I had very few withdrawal symptoms apart from feeling like my brain was moving about it my head constantly and some very vivid dreams, that was until week 3.

We took the kids away for the bank holiday weekend, which I was quite looking forward to. We had a good weekend, then it was time to come home. Usually I have the following day booked off so that I can catch up with washing and housework etc, but I only had 3 days left to take until the end of the year, so I decided as long as we left early enough I would be ok. So Monday came and as usual everyone is slowly going about their business and getting ready to go swimming, whilst I am frantically trying to pack everyone’s bags as we’re supposed to be out of the apartment by 10, this is at 9:50am. The kids are following me around and getting under my feet and my boyfriend is just wandering around aimlessly as usual. At 11, he was in the shower there was a knock on the door reminding us that we needed to check out. I was still in my PJs waiting to get into the shower. I was stressed! I just wanted to get home, we’d had a busy week the before and I knew the house was in a state and I knew we wouldn’t be home until at least 5pm as we weren’t leaving until 3pm.

My mind kept going over all the things I needed to do, I was exhausted, the walls in the apartment were so thin you had people up at 6am shouting down to someone 3 doors away and the guy next door singing (very badly to his kid) I text my boss and asked for a day’s holiday, I couldn’t cope with living in a pig sty until the following weekend, plus I only get 4 free days a month I didn’t fancy spending one of them cleaning, especially if the weather was going to be nice.

I had the day off and spent the entire day cleaning, I got up around 7 and sat down about 4:30 by that time I would need to start thinking about cooking dinner. I felt a bit resentful that I’d had to use a precious days holiday to do this. Although I felt accomplished I knew the house being in this state wouldn’t last long. I felt a bit angry, I shouldn’t have had to do that. Unfortunately, I did unless I wanted to sit in a mess all week and then give up a precious & rare Saturday or Sunday with my boyfriend.

The following day I woke up and felt so fed up to the point where I got out of the shower and had a little cry. I pulled myself together and got myself to work in hope that I would be distracted.

Distracted I was, it would appear that my colleagues had undergone some brain removal transplant and everyone had forgotten about stuff they needed and now everything was urgent. Usually I thrive on working under pressure I love being against the clock, but today I was not mentally prepared for this. I ranted and swore to my team about everyone’s incompetence and found myself at my desk desperate to burst into tears.

Fuck! I hope I’m not getting depressed again! This sent me into a panic. Whilst I was ok on the tablets and really didn’t have any qualms about going back on, I was disappointed as I had been doing so well.

I was angry and upset with my boyfriend, I felt so very unappreciated, I’d spent the last three bank holiday weekends doing stuff with him & the kids, I felt like I needed a break but I never got one as there was always something that needed doing. I had spoken to him several times about doing more around the house but it seemed to have fallen on deaf ears and now I was exhausted. I was tired of moaning to him about it as I was hurt that he couldn’t see how shattered I was, most nights I wasn’t sitting down until 8:30 baring in mind we don’t have the kids in the week. I felt this was all taken for granted. I felt angry that he would come in from work and I’d be cooking or cleaning and he would plonk all his crap on the dining table and sit down in front of the TV then when dinner was ready I’d have to clear the table (again) while he just sat there playing a poxy game on his phone or watching TV. I felt neglected.

There was only one thing to do and that was message my life coach. She was great as usual and just being able to get it all out really helped. My boyfriend had messaged me earlier to say he wasn’t going golf as he’d planned as he was too tired and wanted to come home to me. Whilst this sounds lovely, I couldn’t help thinking that his real reason for coming home was simply because he was tired and nothing to do with me apart from the fact he would be waited on as usual.

To my surprise, he came home with flowers for me as a thank you for cleaning the house. I felt quite happy and that maybe we were getting somewhere. We had a whole weekend together coming up another rare thing as we usually always have something going on, I had been really looking forward to it. Then he decides to say he’s playing golf on Sunday. He’s already said he wanted to do stuff around the house on Saturday so that would have left us Sunday to spend time together. I couldn’t hide my disappointment, I’m not sure I even tried.

He said he wouldn’t go, but that wasn’t the point. He WANTED to go. I’m not going to stop him doing what he wants to do. I’m just gutted that he doesn’t want to do something with me. Especially as I’ve been feeling so shite. But that’s what happens, I pull closer, he moves away.

Anyway, back to the crying. The following day was horrific. I felt like I was back to square one. I honestly don’t know how I didn’t cry. My work friend came over to me at lunchtime and my chin was wobbling I just prayed she didn’t ask me what was wrong! I felt a bit better after that and by mid afternoon I felt ecstatically happy. WTF?! Oh god am I bi-polar?

I decided to look it all up and to my relief it was perfectly normal to feel like this when withdrawing from the tablets. This actually eased my mind a little. Still bloody annoying tho.

The weekend went pretty much the same on a rollercoaster of emotions I was like a leaky tap, I apologised to my boyfriend saying that I knew some of the things I was thinking & were irrational. What I really wanted was to be comforted but I didn’t want to ask for it. I didn’t want to ask for any of it, I just wish he would do some of these things of his own back and not because he is asked.

The uninvited Chimp

So I have spent the last few days feeling really sorry for myself. My mojo is creeping back but that little negative voice in my head aka Barry, is back for a visit and I didn’t bloody invite him.

I have my first ever cold sore, which I am convinced everyone is staring at. I can feel it growing like its its own person, I shall name him Colin if this carries on much longer.

I don’t feel like I have lost any weight or inches coming to the end of cycle one, even though I have still drank a fair amount of booze and had a few takeaways so probably shouldnt be surprised. This is making me panic as I have a hen do, a wedding and a girls weekend away coming up in about 6 weeks and everything I wear makes me look like a bound up piece of meat

Meat

I havent slept very well for the last few nights which I think is making my head whirl, it’s just constant chatter in my head: “Dont forget to….” “What if …. happens?” “Why did …. do/say that?” and the very popular “Why isnt ….. replying to my message?” Oh its been such fun! My boyfriend is then talking about going out for a few drinks after work, which my initial (internal) reaction was not very good. “Is he going to come home late? Is he going to be ok? I something going to happen? I mean he only said he might go out!? I he even going??”

Then I realised that Barry the Bastard isn’t in charge of me anymore! I went against him and messaged my friend and felt instantly better, then started thinking about what I was going to watch on TV, what I was going to make myself for dinner, house to myself YAY!!!! Screw you Barry!! You’re certainly not invited to sit on the sofa with me and watch 13 reasons why, you and Colin can eff right off.

 

Misery does not love company

I’ve fallen down a slippery slope and completely lost my mojo. I am now on a vicious cycle of having good intentions, treating myself, hating myself and then feeling guilty about anything & everything. What a time to be alive.

I was doing so well on my plan but I have seem to have lost my get up and go. I’m not sure if it’s because I am coming off of my tablets, because I am tired or because I am still unable to fully avoid booze. I feel great when I exercise and eat well but for some reason it’s not enough to keep me going at the moment, I took Saturday off of the plan as we were out for the day and one day off has now turned into 4. God damn you bank holiday weekend!

I woke up on Sunday feeling depressed, I didn’t want to go anywhere, I didnt want to see anyone, I just wanted to shut myself away BUT this does not include my boyfriend, why can’t he get this? Why does he not telepathically know that I need him to just come check on me every now and then, instead of avoiding me as if I am some unexploded time bomb.

I decided to have a bit of a pamper and declutter my bedroom, as we had the kids and I didn’t have the patience for dealing with whose go it was on the computer or who pushed who. I want them to like me and at the time I think I would have just thrown the computer out of the window to settle any arguments, then no one would like me.

My boyfriend getting ready in lightening speed, in my head this was to avoid me, but in actual fact he was running late, I decided I didn’t actually want to stay in on my own, I wanted to go with them to his parents, sitting in all day alone wasnt going to lift my mood.

I went and had a nice day, but this resulted in more drinking and me going home alone crying myself to sleep for no apparent reason.

The following day all I wanted was some peace and quiet, I need a day to just collect myself and get my house in order so that I could go back to work without feeling like I had a thousand things to do. Unfortunately, this wasnt going to happen. The entire weekends washing up was still on the side in the kitchen and the laundry basket was overflowing but I just can’t get anything done when the kids are in the house and with the weather against me I had no choice but to resign to my bedroom whilst they all played the computer and watched wrestling downstairs, I wasnt in the mood to compromise today. I finally went down to cook them all dinner and give in to a glass of wine.

It helped, until this morning when I felt even worse. I’ve had a moan to a few of my friends and have cancelled my plans for the evening so I can literally get my house in order and start again tomorrow. Hopefully the black cloud will piss off and my mojo will return.

Do friends have “sell by” dates?

This post is dedicated to my friend and general life coach 🙂

So after three weeks off of the plan due to the torn muscle and the tonsilitis I am now a week back in, sadly the drama in my life didn’t stop there.

I am at a stage in my life where I am happy and settled, I have some amazing people around me, I really am very lucky. Sometimes though, this reveals some of the people who have been not so amazing and unfortunately, this happened to be someone I had considered one of my best friends a couple of years back.

I have this friend, we used to be really close, we went through a lot together, however the last few years I have become more and more frustrated as our friendship seems to have become very one-sided.

Around the time I moved out of the area, she had her first child, all was good I went to visit her regularly and I would take time off of work to drive over to see her and the baby, who I later became godparent to. Understandably, she couldn’t come out as much, but I still made sure I stayed in touch and visited all the time. She didn’t drive at the time so I would go and collect her and take her back to my home if she wanted to come to me, which wasn’t very often. Then it kind of started to fall apart.

I would send her a message or call her and wouldn’t get a response, I understand she has other priorities, not a problem, but when I would see her she would tell me how she had been messaging a guy all night. I was annoyed, she has all this time to message this guy back, but she didn’t have time to message me back? Slightly rude but ok, I decided to take a step back, I didn’t want to fall out with anyone, but I wasnt going to put any more effort in than necessary, I was quite upset, I thought our friendship was better than that.

I would get the occasional phone call or message when there was an update on this guy, I didn’t really want to hear it, I tried to talk about her husband and children but she just wanted to talk about him, she would suggest meeting up but I tried to avoid it on a one to one basis as I didn’t want to hear about her affairs, so I kind of just got on with my life, avoiding the situation when I could and occasionally meeting up.

Then last year we seemed to get a bit closer again, she got better at replying to messages and we kept in touch more regularly and met up a few times, she seemed to have realised that I didn’t want to hear about her affairs, which were still ongoing and then, I got engaged. I sent a message out to all of my close friends, her included and everybody responded, apart from her, she did however respond on social media. Odd.

I messaged her a few days later to ask when she was free and I’ll give her a call as I knew she was going away, I never heard a thing. This was so bizarre. Every time I saw her before she was always asking “Are you engaged yet?” So when it finally happened, it seemed like she didn’t want to know, I was confused, I was expecting her to be straight on the phone wanting to know all about it, not because that’s what I think people should be doing but because she had always made such a big deal about it before, so to hear nothing was strange. When I did hear it was on a group message of a few of us and not much to it just a general message to everyone.

I heard from her on and off, making half-hearted attempts to meet up, although I had to go to her, which unfortunately was a bit difficult as I was so busy at the weekends and it was too far to drive in the evening, I suggested meeting halfway in the week but she said she was too busy, then she didn’t come to the engagement party, so I just left it.

I thought maybe she had stuff going on, but her social media has never been so active, it’s all over instagram her out partying, she didn’t even invite me to her birthday night which has never happened before.

 

I decided I needed to have a good think about this friendship, unfortunately, she had obviously sensed this and I was now getting weekly messages asking when we were meeting up and how was I? I needed some space to think about what I was going to do but I wasnt getting any. I just ignored the messages, hoping that she would realise. This was probably a cowardly thing to do but I didn’t want to be fake and I didnt want to end the friendship until I had proper time to mull it over, this friendship had meant a lot to me once and I needed to figure this out in my head.

She has now realised that I am upset with her and has asked why. I laid out all the facts, I wasn’t nasty I just said it how it was. It wasn’t easy and its something I have put off doing for a while but it was stressing me out and I was losing sleep over it.

I feel better for it now and just hope that I am given the space I have asked for.

 

Pop goes the muscle

Last Friday was my birthday weekend, my boyfriend always takes me out for a surprise dinner & I was really looking forward to it. I had lunch with a friend and managed to stay on plan, I also bought loads of cakes and treats into work and didn’t touch a thing. I was so in the zone.

We went to a nice rooftop bar for some drinks and then headed off to the restaurant. We were waiting to cross the road and I went to run across and I felt a sickening pop in my calf. Oh the pain! Ouuuuuch! I managed to hobble to the restaurant hoping to walk it off. I got some ice from the waiter and LOTS of wine to try & dull the pain.

The dinner was amazing, he took me to Smiths in Wapping which I love and it’s very romantic AND I managed to eat healthy. Sadly the wine didn’t work as I’d hoped and rather than go on for drinks after it was a taxi home.

I’d planned to have a rest day on Saturday anyway, which was lucky as I could barely walk. I was feeling fed up and slightly panicking as I was due to finish cycle one later that week. I caved in and got an Indian takeaway for dinner and resolved to get back to healthy the following day. I did this but still couldn’t walk so I had to cancel a meeting with the florist.

The following day was my birthday & I’d taken the day off work and planned to have lunch with my best friend. She had to pick me up as I was worried about driving, I looked like a right idiot hobbling up the road. I allowed myself a chicken carbonarra from Prezzo as that’s my fave. When I got home, I felt pretty sorry for myself, in anticipation of the pity party I was about to have, I had bought some bakewell tarts and some prosecco. This wasnt the birthday I had in mind, I should be shopping, drinking, anything but sitting on my sofa trying to muster up the effort to make the 5 hour trip to the kitchen to get myself a coke zero. I wanted to see if I could drive so I offered to pick my boyfriend up from the station as a test, which I passed thank god. By the time my boyfriend got home from work, I had eaten the whole packet of bakewell tarts and  was ready to crack open the prosecco. Fuck it, may as well get a bloody chinese.

The following day I had a doctor’s appointment, I am finally going to come off the anti-depressants! Not a great start to the day tho as I struggled to bring a basket of dirty laundry from upstairs (I normally just throw it down) that got me in tears, then a packet of sesame seeds had fallen out of the cupboard which sent me hysterical, anyone would have thought something horrific had happened in my life the way I was carrying on. I went to the doctors and didn’t tell him about my meltdown, I think it was more due to cabin fever than anything else, plus my frustration about having to stop the plan. He told me I had “probably” torn a calf muscle as there was now a nice green bruise on the back of my leg. I need to rest it and recovery can take 4-6 weeks. Thanks doc, so exactly what I read on the internet then. I picked up the last of my pills (hopefully) and drove home, all the way craving chip shop chips, which of course I got along with a pie. Once you start this bloody junk eating its hard to stop.

I decided to attempt to get to work on Wednesday, I had dinner planned with a friend and I really didn’t want to cancel for a 3rd time. I walk pretty fast all the time, my walk to the train station usually takes me about 20 minutes and its all uphill, today it took forever, but at least I got a seat, the walk from the station to my office is around 10 minutes. It took me about an extra 25 minutes to get into work and I was exhausted, my good leg was aching and I felt like a right twat hobbling around the office, but it was nice to be out and about. My lovely work, showered me with some lovely gifts for my birthday and I met my friend for dinner so the pain was worth it.

I tried to keep myself moving, which I now realise this was a mistake as when I woke up on Thursday, my leg was throbbing, I messaged my boss and told him I was going to stay at home and rest it. I had my birthday drinks planned for Friday and I wasn’t bloody going to cancel that. So I settled down for the day with reality TV & cake.

Friday! Birthday drinks and also a friend at works 40th birthday. My leg felt better that yesterday I was going to get up early and get in and decorate her desk. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes as Wednesday so I decided I would catch a bus, then a tube, then a bus, this would mean a lot less walking. So I thought. The bus journey to the tube station takes around 45 minutes usually but this morning the bus was making good time, I started thinking to myself that maybe the bus would be the way forward for the summer months. About 5 minutes after having this thought, people started getting off the bus, we weren’t even at a stop, we were at traffic lights, why is everyone getting off? They’ve only gone and closed the road! Traffic wasnt even moving. I sat there for another 5 minutes or so and the bus was practically empty now. Dammit, I’m going to have to get off and do the 15 minute walk, which will take me at least 20, so off I hobbled. Luckily a tube arrived straight away and I got a seat. Yay!

Got off the tube and checked my app to see when the next bus would arrive. 19 Minutes. 19 Minutes!! It will take me that to walk to the office, sod it, so off I hobbled again only for the bus to overtake me. I honestly thought I was going to cry. I managed to get on a bus eventually but rather than get in early to decorate my friends desk, I actually got in late and my 1 hour journey took over 2 hours. Never again!! Tonight I get drunk!

Moody Monday

Last night I made myself some overnight oats, which was actually a great trick as when I tried to have my usual argument with myself this morning about shall I exercise or stay in bed, I had to get up because I had to have my refuel meal. I decided to go up to level 3 on the Joe Wicks DVD, bloody hell, who thought that 5 seconds more could make such a difference? Feeling achey, but all please with myself, I got ready for work and enjoyed my oatsIMG_6489

I was in pretty happy mood for a Monday, work was pretty quiet so I thought I would go online and look for some outfits for my birthday dinner with the boyfriend on Friday. I’m not sure if this was the trigger, as I did find it quite depressing looking at all these slim women and all these lovely dresses and knowing that I was not going to be able to wear any of them but suddenly the black cloud arrived, I had managed to avoid it for the last few days but now it was well and truly here.

By the time I finished work I was a really bad mood and I really didn’t know why!! I felt really fed up, angry & tearful. I wondered if it was a booze comedown from the weekend but I didn’t drink anymore than a normal weekend. I’m already blaming my boyfriend for being moody at the weekend and spending the entire time on the computer with the kids, I worked it out that the entire time the kids were awake and in the house, they were on the computer. Me, I just cleaned up.

I hated feeling like this and havent felt this bad since being on my tablets, it was literally a rollercoaster of emotions, by the time I got home I wanted to cry. To make matters worse, my boyfriend ended up having to work a bit late, which usually I wouldn’t care about and be happy to have the extra time to myself, but today I wanted him home, I don’t even know why as really I just wanted to shout at him for no reason whatsoever.

After being home for about an hour he messaged me to say he was on the train, so I decided to get dinner on the go. Normally I would offer to go and pick him up but I was so pissed off and fed up I decided he could walk for once. Childish I know.

He came home and seemed in a fairly good mood which made me feel a little bit better, we chatted a bit and he asked me how my day was, so I was honest and told him how I was feeling, I left out the part where he was to blame for everything that was wrong with the world, I didn’t think that would help matters. He gave me a big cuddle and we sat and had a nice chilled night together, along with my cheesy meatballs. Heres hoping to a better day tomorrow.IMG_6495