Picking it up and not putting it off

Hi Everyone,

Its been a while, I’m not really sure where the time has gone, but I have been up to quite a bit, mostly revolving around self-care. As you will have gathered from my last blog post, I was spiralling back down the hole at rapid speed, after a few weeks of crying, moping and generally feeling sorry for myself I decided to take my life back. The first thing I did is booked in to see a counsellor. I have written previously about my CBT therapy, which I found somewhat helpful and my counselling sessions, maybe not so helpful. I decided that given my previous counselling sessions didn’t go so well as I didnt really gel with the counsellor, I decided to give it another go after a particularly bad weekend. I went onto the BACP website (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) and decided to look for a counsellor near my office, the website shows pictures so I changed the search to my area and came across one woman whose picture I felt quite drawn to, sent her an email and jumped on the train to London to meet a friend for lunch. On my way home I had a response from her giving her price details, which were reasonable and saying she had an appointment available the following day at 2pm, this was meant to be.

The following morning, still feeling particularly tearful and down, I bit the bullet and booked a doctor’s appointment for the following week, I had conceded I may just need to go back on anti depressants, this would give me two counselling sessions in between so if I started to feel better I could always cancel.

I was anxious about my first session, although to be honest I was anxious about everything lately, but as soon as my counsellor, who I shall refer to as “D”, I was instantly relaxed, she has a very calming way about her. As soon as I sat down I just started blabbering, only stopping when she asked questions, I got quite tearful, but it felt so good to just unload without being judged. I came away feeling a little lighter and quite exhausted, I knew that things weren’t going to change overnight (even though, me being the most impatient woman in the world wants them changed NOW!)

I am very lucky to have quite a few friends who are into self-care and after speaking to one of them, they recommended an herbal tablet called 5-HTP, once of things its supposed to do is boost your serotonin. So off I popped to Holland & Barratt to pick some up, I was willing to try anything. I started taking these on the same day as my second session with D. This time there were a few more questions and it was really insightful, I cried (obvs) but after just two sessions, random things started making sense, nothing groundbreaking, she’s not a miracle worker after all, but I got more out of those two sessions than I did in all my other sessions put together.

Two days later, I had my doctor’s appointment. The doctor was very kind and I expressed my concerns about going back on the tablets, I wanted to rule out any other possibilities, such as early menopause, so he arranged for me to have a blood test later that week. I also mentioned the herbal tablets (which he’d never heard of) and said I wanted to see how I got on with those.

The blood test results came back the following week, I have some inflammation, so I need to go for another one in a few weeks time, but he didn’t seem concerned, I explained that I felt a bit better on the herbal tablets, so would leave going on the anti depressants for now. I had another session with D, where I managed not to cry yay me! But sadly she is on holiday for the whole of August so I will see her again in September. After seeing her I felt a lot better so we agreed I would see how I went and if I wanted to go back I would just book in. Well of course a few days later I started having mini meltdowns again. Nothing major but just loads of little things such as parking tickets and silly arguments with my mum and just random stuff happening, I cried to my husband one day saying I just feel like I am being tested, for what I don’t know.

I am determined to not be dragged back into this hole, some days are good, some are ok and others are unbearable but I have to keep going as I know this will not last forever and things will get better so I am currently taking the following steps:

  • Messaging my life coach friend each night with 3 things I am grateful for.
  • Completing my LOA planner – I finally filled in all the prep work required and started using it properly on 31st July.
  • Filling in my 5 year diary each night
  • Making weekly meal plans and getting back on the Slimming World Wagon, I am utterly convinced that losing a substantial amount of weight will go a long way towards easing my depression as I wont feel so down about myself

Some days I breeze through and do all of the above and enjoy it and others I struggle to lift up my head, but sometimes just forcing myself to do one of the above, spurs me on to do the next and before you know it I’ve done them, enjoyed them (after putting them off) and feel better just because I have that sense of achievement, even if its small sense of achievement, it’s better than sitting there thinking “I am such a failure because I didn’t do that today”

Today for example, I sat down and wrote this blog, despite putting it off all day 🙂

 

 

 

 

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Honeymoan

I haven’t been on here for a while, since I last wrote, I gained a husband (Yay) but, I have lost my mojo (boo) I’ve decided to write about everything to see if that will help me figure this all out.

The week before the wedding was extremely stressful, not only was there a wedding to plan, but there was a funeral to attend 3 days before. I was at a complete loss on what to do for my husband as this had affected him quite badly, but he just went into himself and didn’t seem to want to be around me. I tried to just get on with the last of the wedding plans but I was at my wit’s end with worry about him, resulting in neither of us sleeping and then I came down with a sickness bug the week before then wedding, 2 days of this then turned into a full-blown cold. I honestly think I got through those last days on adrenaline alone!

His ex girlfriend was also back to her old tricks of using the children as weapons, threatening that they would not attend the wedding as she wanted more money, quite disgusting really considering she knew that my husband was grieving, I knew she could stoop low, but really?

Our wedding day was beautiful, it was scorching hot and the only downside that was that I sniffed and coughed my way through my vows, but other than that, the day was perfect.

We flew out a few days later for our 2 week honeymoon, I had been so looking forward to this, maybe this could help ease the stresses of the last month or so? Wrong. My husband was not miraculously over his grieving and I was still full of cold, it was a beautiful paradise, yet we were both exhausted and somewhat subdued. I stupidly allowed myself to look at all the other honeymooners and began to compare us against them and made myself quite miserable. I had hoped we would be leaving all our troubles behind, but of course, there are only so many things you can escape, grief and illness not being one of them. It wasnt all doom and gloom and we did enjoy ourselves, but I felt as if we were both slightly distracted, I had probably over romanticized it in my head and once I got over the disappointment of it not being how I imagined, I began to feel guilty and quite annoyed, I’m not even sure who or what with if I am honest.

When we returned, I was still feeling pretty fed up, I put it down to wedding/honeymoon blues and just sucked it up. I was sure once I got back to work I would get back into the swing of things. I arranged lots of lunches/dinners with friends so that I had things to look forward to, I had to literally drag myself out of bed each morning to go to work. At the end of the first week I was feeling worse, I was tearful and erratic and I spent pretty much the entire Saturday in my bed, even eating my meals there. Monday & Tuesday I had panic attacks and I was pretty fed up with feeling like this. It’s such a vicious circle of anger, fear, paranoia and worst of all guilt, I can’t bear the guilt, of thinking how my behaviour is affecting others, the guilt then leads right back around to fear and the whole merry-go-round continues. I’m very lucky to have friends who I can speak to and who keep me going with positive helpful messages. I can talk to my husband, but I think when I do I am feeling one of many emotions and usually to do with him so I either talk in anger, which never comes across great or I stay silent out of guilt or fear.

I spoke to my husband about what I should do and we agreed, as much as anti-depressant helped me before, I really would like to see if I can deal with this myself. So I gave myself 3 weeks to see how I go and last week I ordered myself a Laws of Attraction planner from Amazon, I had Wednesday night at home alone to read through and complete. The Laws of Attraction therapy had worked so well for me, I just need to pick things up again and hopefully I would perk up. Once I had ordered the planner, I started to feel better, I guess it’s because I was taking some action rather than sitting moping around (like I was before writing this blog)

It arrived on Wednesday, it was huge, I couldn’t wait to get it home and filled in. I got it home and realised I probably wasnt going to get this done in one evening, not if I was going to complete it properly, but that was fine, if its going to help me then I am happy to take my time, after all one of my goals is to be more patient. Of course I will be doing a review of this for you all once I’m into the swing of things.

I have been fairly busy over the weekend, but did manage to get quite a bit of the planner filled in, but still have a fair bit to go before I am ready to complete the daily inputs, which are the bits that will really help, also I havent been doing my gratitude EVERY day, like I should be, so it’s no surprise that I am back to feeling crappy and low. After some google searching, I also now have the other concern that I could potentially be experiencing early menopause. I know, I know, you shouldnt google your symptoms, but I did and they aren’t dissimilar to depression, so if it hasn’t calmed down in the next couple of weeks, that is something else I will be speaking to my doctor about.

Surprisingly, or not. I actually do feel better for stopping my moping and writing this, maybe now I will pick up my planner and get some more of that done!

I’m becoming a right positive Patsy

I had my second LOA session 10 days ago. It was my first day back at work and I was still recovering from my hen weekend, I really just wanted to go home and sleep but I was also excited about my next session.

I felt like I was cutting it a little fine though, my appointment was at 7pm, I had to navigate the M25, including the Dartford tunnel, which is pretty much jammed anytime between 7 in the morning and 8pm at night and the M11. On a Saturday the journey usually takes me an hour but in rush hour, who knows. I got to my car at just after 5.30, the local traffic is always a bit of pain anyway and usually I would send myself into a bit of a stress attack as I absolutely hate being late, but I calmly told myself that I had done everything in my power to get there on time, if I was late it wouldn’t be my fault and Tanya would understand.

Do you know what time I got there, I got there 20 minutes early. I think I stopped at one set of traffic lights the whole way and there was not a spot of traffic the entire journey, not even to go into the tunnel, it was as if the roads had parted for me. Impressive.

The session was brilliant, we discussed my goals and I was given a sheet to complete listing the steps on how I would achieve them, I was also given a vision board where I could put pictures, words, anything I liked that would help me achieve my goals. I wont go into these right now but maybe share them with you at a later date. I was given some recommended reading material (which I have already started) and generally the whole session completely lifted me out of my groggy, hungover state and I left there with that addictive feeling I described to you before, its like I was bouncing!

These sessions have had such an effect on the way I look at everything. Please don’t get me wrong, when I get on the tube some mornings and someone barges me I still get furious and want to punch them in the back of the head, but that anger dissipates very quickly and I dont end up with a cloud hanging over me like I used to. I believe the reason for this is that I have been able to focus on all the good in my life, rather than the bad. It’s absolutely crazy how my mind worked before, something bad would happen, not even particularly bad, maybe something annoying, lets take a bargy commuter for example; pre LOA me would have focused on that person for as long as they were in my vision, how that had annoyed me, how rude it was, then I would have gotten off the tube and treated everyone walking in my vicinity as if they had wronged me. Now, as I said, it’s very quickly forgotten about, my mind just doesn’t want to hold negativity like it used to and its amazing and I am living a much happier life day-to-day.

Now, 10 days later, I am still in my positive frame of mind and when I find myself faced with something negative, finding a positive way to deal with it, is so much easier and I am REALLY excited for my next session, which is in another 10 days.

I think I am starting to get me.

It feels like forever since my last blog post, there’s just been so much going on. I’ve started my new job, which involves a lot more brain activity than I’ve been used to in a while, its been my birthday – I am now 37 years old, someone please tell my brain, although I think my body is too far ahead and thinks its 50 – and I had my hen weekend, which was honestly amazing.

All of these things have obviously impacted my life and most definitely my mindset, I am however, truly amazed at how quickly the laws of attraction (LOA) therapy has changed the way I think and feel. Please don’t get me wrong, I still have down days and I am still an absolute psycho (on occasion) but, what I have realised is that that’s who I am, hence the change in my the main title of my blog from “Who am I?” to “This is me” as I feel like I am finally getting to grips with who I really am and do you know what, I actually quite like me (dont tell Barry!) I am just now more in control of my thoughts, which then go on to affect the way I feel.

Like I said, I still have my down days, let me speak about this briefly, I don’t want to dwell on the negativity, whilst on my positive high 🙂

Since having my first LOA session, I have really noticed when I am feeling down. Obviously we all know when we feel miserable, but now when I feel low, I have this craving for my positive state of mind, I REALLY miss it, it’s totally addictive, more addictive than chocolate or wine and I find that rather than sink into the hole like I would before, I try to think logically as to what could have caused this dip in my mood, often once I have figured out what the cause is (and sometimes its something random) the negativity dissipates and my positive self returns – Hurrah!

Heres an example; It was my fourth day at my new job, my brain was tired, my body was tired but as I walked down the hill on my way home from the train station, I felt like I’d just been given the loveliest gift (I hadn’t, this was just becoming my normal feeling, which as I am sure you can now understand is why it’s so addictive, who doesn’t want to feel like that constantly, especially when I am usually such a negative nancy!) I got home, spoke to my mum on the phone, my boyfriend was seeing the kids.  I was just ending the call when he walked in the house. The strangest thing happened, I instantly felt angry at him, he hadnt even said a word, in fact he’d barely stepped in the room and within minutes we were sniping at each other. I was getting more annoyed because I’d gone from feeling like I’d won the most amazing prize to feeling like I’d stubbed every single one of my toes and I didnt know why. arrrrrghh. I spent the entire night trying to figure out what the hell had happened.

I woke up the following morning and an idea popped in my head, I approached my boyfriend whilst he was brushing his teeth, “Can I ask you something? I don’t want to know the details I just need a yes or no” He stopped mid brush looking concerned, so before he had a chance to decline I jumped straight in. “Did you have a row with your ex last night when you took the kids home?” He looked at me puzzled and said “Yeah I did actually” DING DING DING all of a sudden it all fell into place. That’s why I was so angry, I would never have realised this before. He had brought negative energy into our home, his argument with his ex caused the negative energy, which had clung to him like a bad smell and come into our house and I sniffed it out like a bloodhound and reacted like a rabid dog (ok maybe too dramatic). I know it sounds out there, but it totally made sense, and even better, once I was aware of this and acknowledged it, bye bye bad smell. Amazing, I felt even more in control of my life, always helpful when you’re such a control freak.

Dont get me wrong, it’s not always plain sailing. The week before my birthday I felt so fed up, not because I was getting older (I actually love my birthday) I didn’t know why, it was my birthday AND my hen weekend the following week, why the hell was I so down in the dumps? I was missing my prize-winning, cloud surfing, sickeningly happy self of yesterweek.

I was trying to do my gratitude and my brain wasnt having it, when I finally managed to think of something to be grateful for, my brain would dismiss it “well its not that good” when I tried to muster a positive thought on my way into work, some city twat would barge into me like I wasnt there, so my thoughts shifted to wishing they’d fall down and open man-hole and my negative energy was winning, I kept walking into things and dropping stuff, I wanted to stay in bed and cry. Eventually after a good week of feeling like I was on an emotional rollercoaster I messaged my LOA guru Tanya. In doing so and just acknowledging my feelings and basically asking for help, I felt slightly better and even more so once she had replied, you see, although LOA is amazing, it doesn’t mean I can just sit back and drink all the wine, which is exactly what I had been doing, along with, not sleeping properly due to the new job and the impending hen weekend and not having any time to myself, due to my upcoming birthday which always comes with lots of birthday dinners and drinks and as we all should know by now, especially me, too much booze = a visit to the hole. Once I had talked this through and realised how to resolve this, I found it much easier to get back on that positive frequency. I took a half day from work on my birthday and rather than use it to stay out drinking all afternoon, I actually went home and caught up on some sleep and slowly regained my good self back.

So the moral of this story is you can’t just sit on your backside drinking prosecco expecting the world to fall at your feet (but I gave it a go)