Its so trying when I am always bloody crying

I’ve been off my anti depressants for just over four weeks now. I was pretty happy with the fact that I had very few withdrawal symptoms apart from feeling like my brain was moving about it my head constantly and some very vivid dreams, that was until week 3.

We took the kids away for the bank holiday weekend, which I was quite looking forward to. We had a good weekend, then it was time to come home. Usually I have the following day booked off so that I can catch up with washing and housework etc, but I only had 3 days left to take until the end of the year, so I decided as long as we left early enough I would be ok. So Monday came and as usual everyone is slowly going about their business and getting ready to go swimming, whilst I am frantically trying to pack everyone’s bags as we’re supposed to be out of the apartment by 10, this is at 9:50am. The kids are following me around and getting under my feet and my boyfriend is just wandering around aimlessly as usual. At 11, he was in the shower there was a knock on the door reminding us that we needed to check out. I was still in my PJs waiting to get into the shower. I was stressed! I just wanted to get home, we’d had a busy week the before and I knew the house was in a state and I knew we wouldn’t be home until at least 5pm as we weren’t leaving until 3pm.

My mind kept going over all the things I needed to do, I was exhausted, the walls in the apartment were so thin you had people up at 6am shouting down to someone 3 doors away and the guy next door singing (very badly to his kid) I text my boss and asked for a day’s holiday, I couldn’t cope with living in a pig sty until the following weekend, plus I only get 4 free days a month I didn’t fancy spending one of them cleaning, especially if the weather was going to be nice.

I had the day off and spent the entire day cleaning, I got up around 7 and sat down about 4:30 by that time I would need to start thinking about cooking dinner. I felt a bit resentful that I’d had to use a precious days holiday to do this. Although I felt accomplished I knew the house being in this state wouldn’t last long. I felt a bit angry, I shouldn’t have had to do that. Unfortunately, I did unless I wanted to sit in a mess all week and then give up a precious & rare Saturday or Sunday with my boyfriend.

The following day I woke up and felt so fed up to the point where I got out of the shower and had a little cry. I pulled myself together and got myself to work in hope that I would be distracted.

Distracted I was, it would appear that my colleagues had undergone some brain removal transplant and everyone had forgotten about stuff they needed and now everything was urgent. Usually I thrive on working under pressure I love being against the clock, but today I was not mentally prepared for this. I ranted and swore to my team about everyone’s incompetence and found myself at my desk desperate to burst into tears.

Fuck! I hope I’m not getting depressed again! This sent me into a panic. Whilst I was ok on the tablets and really didn’t have any qualms about going back on, I was disappointed as I had been doing so well.

I was angry and upset with my boyfriend, I felt so very unappreciated, I’d spent the last three bank holiday weekends doing stuff with him & the kids, I felt like I needed a break but I never got one as there was always something that needed doing. I had spoken to him several times about doing more around the house but it seemed to have fallen on deaf ears and now I was exhausted. I was tired of moaning to him about it as I was hurt that he couldn’t see how shattered I was, most nights I wasn’t sitting down until 8:30 baring in mind we don’t have the kids in the week. I felt this was all taken for granted. I felt angry that he would come in from work and I’d be cooking or cleaning and he would plonk all his crap on the dining table and sit down in front of the TV then when dinner was ready I’d have to clear the table (again) while he just sat there playing a poxy game on his phone or watching TV. I felt neglected.

There was only one thing to do and that was message my life coach. She was great as usual and just being able to get it all out really helped. My boyfriend had messaged me earlier to say he wasn’t going golf as he’d planned as he was too tired and wanted to come home to me. Whilst this sounds lovely, I couldn’t help thinking that his real reason for coming home was simply because he was tired and nothing to do with me apart from the fact he would be waited on as usual.

To my surprise, he came home with flowers for me as a thank you for cleaning the house. I felt quite happy and that maybe we were getting somewhere. We had a whole weekend together coming up another rare thing as we usually always have something going on, I had been really looking forward to it. Then he decides to say he’s playing golf on Sunday. He’s already said he wanted to do stuff around the house on Saturday so that would have left us Sunday to spend time together. I couldn’t hide my disappointment, I’m not sure I even tried.

He said he wouldn’t go, but that wasn’t the point. He WANTED to go. I’m not going to stop him doing what he wants to do. I’m just gutted that he doesn’t want to do something with me. Especially as I’ve been feeling so shite. But that’s what happens, I pull closer, he moves away.

Anyway, back to the crying. The following day was horrific. I felt like I was back to square one. I honestly don’t know how I didn’t cry. My work friend came over to me at lunchtime and my chin was wobbling I just prayed she didn’t ask me what was wrong! I felt a bit better after that and by mid afternoon I felt ecstatically happy. WTF?! Oh god am I bi-polar?

I decided to look it all up and to my relief it was perfectly normal to feel like this when withdrawing from the tablets. This actually eased my mind a little. Still bloody annoying tho.

The weekend went pretty much the same on a rollercoaster of emotions I was like a leaky tap, I apologised to my boyfriend saying that I knew some of the things I was thinking & were irrational. What I really wanted was to be comforted but I didn’t want to ask for it. I didn’t want to ask for any of it, I just wish he would do some of these things of his own back and not because he is asked.

The uninvited Chimp

So I have spent the last few days feeling really sorry for myself. My mojo is creeping back but that little negative voice in my head aka Barry, is back for a visit and I didn’t bloody invite him.

I have my first ever cold sore, which I am convinced everyone is staring at. I can feel it growing like its its own person, I shall name him Colin if this carries on much longer.

I don’t feel like I have lost any weight or inches coming to the end of cycle one, even though I have still drank a fair amount of booze and had a few takeaways so probably shouldnt be surprised. This is making me panic as I have a hen do, a wedding and a girls weekend away coming up in about 6 weeks and everything I wear makes me look like a bound up piece of meat

Meat

I havent slept very well for the last few nights which I think is making my head whirl, it’s just constant chatter in my head: “Dont forget to….” “What if …. happens?” “Why did …. do/say that?” and the very popular “Why isnt ….. replying to my message?” Oh its been such fun! My boyfriend is then talking about going out for a few drinks after work, which my initial (internal) reaction was not very good. “Is he going to come home late? Is he going to be ok? I something going to happen? I mean he only said he might go out!? I he even going??”

Then I realised that Barry the Bastard isn’t in charge of me anymore! I went against him and messaged my friend and felt instantly better, then started thinking about what I was going to watch on TV, what I was going to make myself for dinner, house to myself YAY!!!! Screw you Barry!! You’re certainly not invited to sit on the sofa with me and watch 13 reasons why, you and Colin can eff right off.

 

Misery does not love company

I’ve fallen down a slippery slope and completely lost my mojo. I am now on a vicious cycle of having good intentions, treating myself, hating myself and then feeling guilty about anything & everything. What a time to be alive.

I was doing so well on my plan but I have seem to have lost my get up and go. I’m not sure if it’s because I am coming off of my tablets, because I am tired or because I am still unable to fully avoid booze. I feel great when I exercise and eat well but for some reason it’s not enough to keep me going at the moment, I took Saturday off of the plan as we were out for the day and one day off has now turned into 4. God damn you bank holiday weekend!

I woke up on Sunday feeling depressed, I didn’t want to go anywhere, I didnt want to see anyone, I just wanted to shut myself away BUT this does not include my boyfriend, why can’t he get this? Why does he not telepathically know that I need him to just come check on me every now and then, instead of avoiding me as if I am some unexploded time bomb.

I decided to have a bit of a pamper and declutter my bedroom, as we had the kids and I didn’t have the patience for dealing with whose go it was on the computer or who pushed who. I want them to like me and at the time I think I would have just thrown the computer out of the window to settle any arguments, then no one would like me.

My boyfriend getting ready in lightening speed, in my head this was to avoid me, but in actual fact he was running late, I decided I didn’t actually want to stay in on my own, I wanted to go with them to his parents, sitting in all day alone wasnt going to lift my mood.

I went and had a nice day, but this resulted in more drinking and me going home alone crying myself to sleep for no apparent reason.

The following day all I wanted was some peace and quiet, I need a day to just collect myself and get my house in order so that I could go back to work without feeling like I had a thousand things to do. Unfortunately, this wasnt going to happen. The entire weekends washing up was still on the side in the kitchen and the laundry basket was overflowing but I just can’t get anything done when the kids are in the house and with the weather against me I had no choice but to resign to my bedroom whilst they all played the computer and watched wrestling downstairs, I wasnt in the mood to compromise today. I finally went down to cook them all dinner and give in to a glass of wine.

It helped, until this morning when I felt even worse. I’ve had a moan to a few of my friends and have cancelled my plans for the evening so I can literally get my house in order and start again tomorrow. Hopefully the black cloud will piss off and my mojo will return.

Moody Monday

Last night I made myself some overnight oats, which was actually a great trick as when I tried to have my usual argument with myself this morning about shall I exercise or stay in bed, I had to get up because I had to have my refuel meal. I decided to go up to level 3 on the Joe Wicks DVD, bloody hell, who thought that 5 seconds more could make such a difference? Feeling achey, but all please with myself, I got ready for work and enjoyed my oatsIMG_6489

I was in pretty happy mood for a Monday, work was pretty quiet so I thought I would go online and look for some outfits for my birthday dinner with the boyfriend on Friday. I’m not sure if this was the trigger, as I did find it quite depressing looking at all these slim women and all these lovely dresses and knowing that I was not going to be able to wear any of them but suddenly the black cloud arrived, I had managed to avoid it for the last few days but now it was well and truly here.

By the time I finished work I was a really bad mood and I really didn’t know why!! I felt really fed up, angry & tearful. I wondered if it was a booze comedown from the weekend but I didn’t drink anymore than a normal weekend. I’m already blaming my boyfriend for being moody at the weekend and spending the entire time on the computer with the kids, I worked it out that the entire time the kids were awake and in the house, they were on the computer. Me, I just cleaned up.

I hated feeling like this and havent felt this bad since being on my tablets, it was literally a rollercoaster of emotions, by the time I got home I wanted to cry. To make matters worse, my boyfriend ended up having to work a bit late, which usually I wouldn’t care about and be happy to have the extra time to myself, but today I wanted him home, I don’t even know why as really I just wanted to shout at him for no reason whatsoever.

After being home for about an hour he messaged me to say he was on the train, so I decided to get dinner on the go. Normally I would offer to go and pick him up but I was so pissed off and fed up I decided he could walk for once. Childish I know.

He came home and seemed in a fairly good mood which made me feel a little bit better, we chatted a bit and he asked me how my day was, so I was honest and told him how I was feeling, I left out the part where he was to blame for everything that was wrong with the world, I didn’t think that would help matters. He gave me a big cuddle and we sat and had a nice chilled night together, along with my cheesy meatballs. Heres hoping to a better day tomorrow.IMG_6495

The Body Coach 90 Day SSS Plan – The rest of week 3

So as you know, week three got off to a wobbly start, but I was determined not to be beaten. I woke up on Friday, feeling refreshed and ready to go, I cracked on with a HIIT session and rewarded myself with some yummy pancakes.IMG_6464

They are seriously good, but soooo filling. I was on such a high after exercising I decided to try out the chicken satay for lunch, which was delicious and better than the one I had from the chinese takeaway the other week, but that was rubbish to be fair! You cannot see it in the pic but that contains a whole 120g bag of rocket and it wasnt even enough greens!!IMG_6474

Friday lunch went the usual way, the angel & devil in my head fighting out whether to go out to lunch, then my friend popped over to my desk and without thinking I suggested wine. Oh well. I still managed to go home and cook after meeting the boyfriends parents in the pub where they had taken the kids for dinner, more red wine! I tried out a new recipe, cod with Spicy peas. It was bloody lovely, it doesn’t look much in the picture but it was really tasty, definitely one to have again.IMG_6482

The only problem with knocking back all this red wine is that I felt a bit moody, the boyfriend was being snappy and miserable and I couldn’t cope with it so spent most of the evening sulking.

Saturday

Woke up the next morning, determined not to carry the misery on, my boyfriend was taking the kids to football and I was to do a HIIT workout, I was trying not to think about it and just get to it. It worked and I felt really good afterwards, I decided to have another go at the spanish omelette.IMG_6481

It tasted so much better this time, not burnt. It was still more of a hash than an omelette but it was lovely. I was meeting my friend for lunch and had arranged to go to Browns so that I could have a sirloin steak and some green veg. The boyfriend was now home and being even more miserable as he didn’t feel well, seriously! I said goodbye to the kids and left the house without saying goodbye to him, that will teach him. I met my friend but we forgot to book a table so that meant a 30 minute wait, which meant, you guessed it red wine, we had a great catch up, I forgot to ask for no chips with my steak and I ate them, dammit. Still I could be good for the rest of the day. I was feeling tired, hormonal so on my way home, I picked up more red wine and planned to sulk until my boyfriend apologised.

This didnt happen as I got home and just wanted to make up, I couldn’t bear the sulking. Unfortunately, the peace didn’t last long and another bicker ensued later on which led me to not have any dinner that night, I still made myself a cashew curry but put it in the fridge to have for lunch Monday & Tuesday. I was so wound up I wasnt really tired and he was like a nodding dog so went up to bed, I stayed downstairs for another 30 mins or so and when I went up he was still awake and said he wanted to wait up for me.

Sunday I woke up feeling a bit better, but not entirely sulk free. I decided to go for an interval run to see if this would help. I got up and made the kids some toast and off I went. Bloody hell, interval running is harder than normal running! I came back covered in sweat but in a slightly better mood. I got showered, made the kids a smoothie each with the help of one in their chef hat and made me and my boyfriend a spanish omelette and left them downstairs playing the computer while I ate my breakfast in relative piece. I came down a while later and decided to clean the kitchen. The kids asked for a milkshake, which the boyfriend agreed to, so I made this and cracked on scrubbing every surface and cleaning the floor to finish off. I kept reminding my boyfriend of the time as they had to be at his parents for dinner at 3pm as they do every other Sunday, then at 2pm he finally decides its time to get ready so off goes to the shower, leaving the kids with no instructions whatsoever. At 2.30pm I tell them to go and get ready as he is still upstairs doing god knows what and I cannot deal with him stomping around in a huff because they’re late. They go upstairs and then it begins, of course they’re not getting ready, they’re doing everything but. However, I am busy cleaning up after everyone and decide that since my boyfriend is upstairs, he can deal with it. After about 15 minutes of him asking them to get ready he comes downstairs and says to me “no more milkshakes” Everything is all my fault of course, perhaps if they hadn’t been on the computer since 8.30am this morning and got ready instead we wouldn’t be having this issue?

By the time they had all left the house, I was done cleaning the kitchen and decided on a cup of tea and a carb killa. Rock n Roll! I binge watched Ex on the Beach and had a lime and avocado smoothie for lunch, feeling very pleased with myself at having exercised and also not killing my boyfriend. I could feel it bubbling up inside me but I was determined not to cause an argument. I decided to do a fake tan and paint my nails to make myself feel better, I wanted to shake this fog. By the time he came home I was in a bit of a better mood I made him some chicken satay and at the last-minute decided I wanted a cheese and mushroom omelette, the evening went on with no sulking and we went to bed fine and dandy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Communication Calamity

Today is a new day. Thank God.

After yesterday’s post, a good of friend gave me her honest opinion of the situation with my boyfriend and I realised that he is not totally to blame and I am certainly not blameless.

One of my best skills at work is communication, I have to deal with a lot of different people and always get good feedback on my communication skills. I also like to think I’m good at this with friends as well, I’m good at staying in touch with people and rarely fall out with people, so why am I so terrible at it in my relationship?

After yesterday barely speaking all day I was still frustrated and angry. I had plans to meet a friend for dinner and he was playing football. I wasn’t planning on drinking as I wanted to be healthy and also because I was so annoyed, but this was also the reason that I wanted to drink. I wanted to get away from the angry tearful feeling, so I went to lunch with a friend and had a couple of glasses of red. Ooh that felt better. Mistake No. 1

Mistake No. 2 came later when I decided to continue with the ridiculous idea to have share more wine with my friend, I thought I was ok.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I got home just before my boyfriend, it wasn’t even late, I kicked off. I’ll be completely honest with you, it was a blur, I couldn’t tell you half the things I said, what I do know is they were said in anger, I was in a rage I have not felt for a long time, it was most definately not a welcome feeling, this was the thing I had battled so hard to get rid of, why had it come back!!! Eff Off!!!!

I don’t know if anyone has ever had this, but its like being possessed, its a rage so great your whole body feels tense and you things come out of your mouth that you’re not even thinking, or at least you were not aware you are. Its a horrible feeling and an even more horrible thing for someone else to be on the receiving end of. It ended with me in a heap on the floor in uncontrollable tears, apologising to my poor boyfriend.

I cannot describe how ashamed and upset I am about all of this. I feel like I have failed, not only myself but him as well. I was doing so so well.

After a good nights sleep and then finally having a conversation with me explaining myself properly and not raising my voice (I don’t even realise I am doing this half the time) I feel like we have progressed slightly. My friend had read yesterdays blog and messaged me a very long message, which I am so grateful for, she was completely honest and didn’t try to sugarcoat anything and it was just what I needed. I realised as I was replying to her message, that if I could just have explained all this to my boyfriend the way I was explaining to her, then none of this would have happened! So that’s exactly what I did, I sent him a long message, explaining myself, clearly and in a friendly non-accusing, non-aggressive way, pointing out that I was now aware that I clearly have trouble communicating with him and that I would work on this and also that I would make more effort at the weekends when we have the children and not just go off in a sulk. I also said that I hadn’t been feeling myself over the last week and that perhaps it was the after effects of the alcohol.

So, to sum up, alcohol is now going to be kept to a minimum and for nights out and absolutely not when I am in a crappy frame of mind. More effort to be made to communicate better and involve myself more at weekends with the children.

I’m going to sleep bloody well tonight!

I’m (fairly) normal.

I woke up the next morning full of apprehension, today was going to be make or break, I was starting my anti-depressants. I hated taking tablets, a headache would have to be pretty bad for me to reach for the paracetamol, I don’t know where it came from, maybe the evil doctor that used to stick a spoon down the back of my throat during my examinations as a child brought on this fear of pills, especially the big ones, Oh I hadn’t even thought to look at the size of them!! Luckily, they were a normal size, which I swallowed with a fizzy drink (the bubbles stop you feeling it go down – little tip there for you.) The doctor had gone through the side effects but I never usually suffered from any of those things, that just didn’t happen to me.

I got into work and was feeling an unusual lack of appetite, maybe it was the anxiety of the morning and taking the first tablet, oh well, I certainly wont starve without breakfast, in fact I could do with losing a few pounds. By lunchtime, I was feeling a bit sick, probably because I hadn’t had any breakfast, so I took myself off to lunch. When I got there I just didn’t want to eat anything, I love food and never miss lunch, its my time to meet with friends and have something good to eat, plus I still felt sick. I forced myself to eat a salad (I am queen salad dodger by the way, they bore me) but the sickness lingered and I was now exhausted.

I got home and didn’t have the energy to cook a dinner, so we got a takeaway, which I barely touched and I went to bed, still feeling sick. After another day of feeling sick & tired, I decided to look up the side effects, I remembered the doctor saying side effects could last up to a week or so. There we had it, tiredness & nausea. Maybe I was making myself feel worse just by looking at the symptoms? Dont read any more, you might start getting those too!

The sickness & tiredness lasted over a week, I even went home from work one day, on the plus side I was too exhausted to be anxious about anything. Then the fog slowly lifted, I didn’t notice it at first, I guess because you don’t really notice that little voice in your head unless it’s there. I remember the first time I realised that the tablets were actually working, my boyfriend said something that would normally have annoyed me and I would have snapped at him and probably gone off in a sulk, but I did something completely unexpected to both of us, I laughed, I dont know who was more shocked. Then I started to notice it more and more. The things that would usually bother me or make me anxious unnecessarily, werent. I kept waiting for this nice, relaxed me to disappear but it didnt, it hasnt.

I have now been on the tablets for 6 months. Dont get me wrong, if I havent had enough sleep, I’m hungry or hormonal I still get pissed off or tearful, but only like a NORMAL person. For the first time in god knows how long I felt sane and rational and also very very sorry for my poor boyfriend, who although not perfect, had literally been my rock. I honestly don’t think anyone else would have put up with the lunatic that I was. I went for a review in December and the doctor said he didn’t want to take me off of them over Christmas as that isn’t an ideal time and I am to go for a review at the end of next month to start coming off of them. I’ll admit, I am nervous about slipping into my old ways, but if I do, I know there is help, that I can get through it and that I am not alone.

From A to D

I had entered the ballot for the London Marathon and somehow got in. I had mixed emotions about doing it, I thought it would be good for me to have something positive to focus on but also I was bricking it. I’d been pretty good for the first months training, I barely drank alcohol too but despite my seemingly healthy lifestyle, I kept getting ill. I joked with people saying my body needs alcohol as it seemed whenever I went without it for too long, I got a cold or a virus, things I had never been prone to before plus my libido was at an all time low, another thing that was out of character. I was hoping that all this exercise would boost my mood, as I kept reading it would but if I’m honest it didn’t really I was either at a complete high or I was at an all time low and the highs were few and far between.

After the marathon was over, the lows got worse and worse, at first I thought it was because of the build up and now it was over, kind of like a bride after her wedding, but it just kept getting worse. I would be at my desk at work and for no apparent reason I would feel such an overwhelming sadness I would have to fight back the tears. There were no highs at all now and I was annoyed with myself, why was I feeling like this? I have nothing to be sad about, nothing at all. My life was pretty perfect and my divorce was finally coming to an end. Any day now! The straw that broke the camels back was when I went to lunch with my boyfriend and I just burst into tears. I couldn’t go on like this, I had tried everything to lift my mood, vitamins, meditation, reading books & articles, CBT, counselling, exercise, I’d even had my thyroid checked. I didn’t know what else left there was to try apart from the one thing I had been avoiding. Medication.

I was always reading articles about mental health, trying to keep up to date with any techniques that may help with my anxiety, depression is often mentioned in such articles and I would sometimes read them and think “that sounds like me” but dismissed it as I didn’t have anything to be depressed about! I had a good job, great family, nice home & fantastic boyfriend. How could I be depressed? Whatever this was, I knew I could not carry on living in such misery, I wanted myself back, I missed me!

So after much deliberation and lots of tears, I booked myself in to the doctors.

My perception of antidepressants was that they turned you into a zombie and that they were addictive. I’m not even sure where this came from, but I has always been very anti anti- depressants, but knowing I had tried every other avenue, I knew it was likely that this was going to be offered to me and I was so far gone that I was actually worried they were going to turn me away with no options at all and nothing would change.

After four weeks of crying on a daily basis, the day I went to the doctors, I was extremely happy, I was almost annoyed as I thought the doctor would think I was making it up. I sat in the waiting room nervously awaiting my name to be called and it seemed like forever, the next thing I knew I was sat opposite a doctor who actually looked more nervous than me.

“So what can I do for you today?”

“Well I can’t stop feeling low and crying, I’ve tried everything vitamins, meditation, reading books & articles, CBT, counselling, exercise & blood tests but nothings working, typically today is the first time I have actually felt good. I didn’t want to go on tablets but I feel this may be the only way forward, but I don’t want to be on them forever, I dont want to get addicted. What do you think?”

It was like verbal diarrhea! I don’t even think I took a breath. To my relief (and probably his now I had shut up!) he agreed that I had tried every possible avenue and that he would prescribe some anti depressant for 6 months, I was to come back after I had taken them for one month to see how I was getting on.

Where these really going to work? I was scared!

 

 

 

 

 

I know best….

I was unsure when I first met with the counselor, she reminded me a bit of a headmistress type. The sessions were at her house and it was in a cosy sectioned off corner of her living room and she asked me why I was there and I started to explain, that I had been told I had anxiety, done the CBT etc but now it seems to have come back with a vengeance and I wanted to try to figure out if there was an underlying cause or trigger, after my explanation she just stayed silent, so I felt obliged to fill the silence and didn’t shut up for the rest of the hour, as with the CBT sessions, I felt lighter and like I it had been worth doing. We decided on fortnightly sessions and I booked in for my next appointment.

I’ll be completely honest, I wasnt sure if she was right for me, I felt a little bit like she was judging me which I never had with the CBT therapist, with her I felt like I was having a conversation with a friend but with my counselor, although she never really said much, I just didn’t get that click with her and maybe I should have changed counsellors but as you may have guessed, I am not a fan of change and didnt want to go through the rigmarole of opening the floodgates again as it could be quite emotionally draining.

One thing she did say to me, which  was true but at the time I just couldn’t believe it. She said I sounded like I was abusive to my boyfriend, not physically, but verbally and emotionally. I was stunned, I let the works spin around my brain and when I left the session I got in my car and I cried, not because I was upset at what she had said but because I knew deep down she was right. I love my boyfriend more than anything, yet the way I spoke to him when I was angry or stressed out was absolutely disgraceful, even worse if I had been drinking, I think I had been excusing my behaviour for shifting the blame or trying to justify it somehow, I’m not saying I shouldnt have been stressed out or angry, but I should absolutely have not spoken to him or treated him the way I did and I will always regret that. We are very different, he has the patience of a saint and a very long fuse whereas I have no patience and pretty much no fuse, but I am happy to say I am working on these things and coming along very nicely, but you’ll hear more about that later.

The sessions with my counselor went on for a few months, but I found myself not wanting to leave the house at all. I am usually a really sociable person, I would be out seeing friends a couple of times a week and out with my boyfriend once or twice a week, yet I found myself wanting to go home and get under a blanket and not see or speak to anyone, even to the point where I cancelled appointments with my counselor, although I never cancelled consecutive sessions. I had been seeing her for 3 months when I made my 3rd cancellation, it was a Tuesday, I’d had a shitty day at work and the trains were all screwed up again, I just wanted go home and be a recluse, so I sent her a text and asked to reschedule to the following week. I went home and had a much-needed early night.

I woke up the next day to realise that she hadn’t text me back as she usually would, I thought maybe she was busy but I never did get a response, I can only she assume she was upset that I had wanted to reschedule, I had only done this three times in the 3 months that I had been going and would rather she had just said that she didn’t think it was going to work out or something. I was confused and this did nothing to help my anxious mind, what had I done? Had she thought I was a drama queen and had no right being there? the list was endless. I would be fine anyway, I was training to the run the marathon and doing meditation, I didnt need a counsellor, plus, I had bigger things to worry about, like my idiot ex husband making more financial demands from me and just being awkward and spiteful, our relationship had ended several years ago and as far as I was aware he now had a family, why was he so hell-bent on trying to cause me misery?

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Part of my anxiety means that I cannot be late. This is such a major dilemma in my relationship, as my boyfriend has no concept of time whatsoever, often leaving home at the time he’s supposed to be somewhere, I on the other hand like to be at least 10 minutes early, I allow for traffic etc. If I am late it sends me into a meltdown and its caused so many arguments between us. This went in my favour on the day I went to see the solicitor as I couldn’t bloody find it. I walked up and down the high street about 3 times before noticing it nestled between Lloyd’s Bank and the Pound Shop. I pressed the buzzer, no answer. Morning Barry! “What if they have mixed up my appointment?” “What if he’s off sick today?” Arrrrrrgh. Luckily before I could respond to Barry or talk to myself in the high street as everyone else would have seen it, two people arrived at the door with coffee. “Hi I have an appointment with David Beckham at 9am” bless the girl for not even flinching, my solicitors name was Dan Beckham! So just as quick as Barry shut up, there he was again. “She must think you’re a right twat!”

Dan, as it turns out was lovely, he put me straight at ease, although now I wonder if these people were actually putting me at ease or I just realised there was nothing to feel uneasy about in the first place. One of the things I liked about him was his cutting comments about the other solicitor. “He can’t even spell his own clients name correctly” and “what kind of grammar is that” He was a total bitch and I loved it. He was very calm and matter of fact, told it to me straight and he drew up a response letter there and then, adding as many sniping comments as he could get away with. I came out of there pretty chuffed, called my boyfriend and then my dad and went on my way to work. I should have known it wasn’t going to be that simple.

The next few months resulted in a game that I didn’t want any part in. My ex husbands solicitor would send letters half full of lies, it would infuriate me and then upset me, this wasnt punch or cry, this had escalated to punch AND cry! I would speak to my solicitor, saying I didn’t understand why he felt the need to lie, the reason we broke up was my doing and I had never denied that, for him to pile lies on top of the horrible truth, he also added thinly veiled threats about not exposing our current partners to what is going on. Luckily I have no secrets from my boyfriend and hate lies so he could do what he liked. Not only was my anxiety back in full swing, I was stressed out. My face broke out in acne when I had always had clear skin and I was constantly coming down with colds and quite frankly I was awful to be around, I was miserable and there was no sign of my Divorce being over any time soon.

As I said before, I have no secrets from my boyfriend, so if I am miserable, he knows about it. After one huge argument (which I/Barry caused) we agreed that I would book in to see a counselor, something else to worry about! After a few weeks of putting it off and feeling pretty miserable, I went online and found one near my house. I couldn’t afford to be paying the fees of a counselor near my work so close to Christmas. The woman had a kind face and lots of qualifications so I sent her a message, which I always prefer, I hate speaking on the phone. I arranged an appointment for the following week. I’m going to eat my lunch now so we shall continue this later.