Honeymoan

I haven’t been on here for a while, since I last wrote, I gained a husband (Yay) but, I have lost my mojo (boo) I’ve decided to write about everything to see if that will help me figure this all out.

The week before the wedding was extremely stressful, not only was there a wedding to plan, but there was a funeral to attend 3 days before. I was at a complete loss on what to do for my husband as this had affected him quite badly, but he just went into himself and didn’t seem to want to be around me. I tried to just get on with the last of the wedding plans but I was at my wit’s end with worry about him, resulting in neither of us sleeping and then I came down with a sickness bug the week before then wedding, 2 days of this then turned into a full-blown cold. I honestly think I got through those last days on adrenaline alone!

His ex girlfriend was also back to her old tricks of using the children as weapons, threatening that they would not attend the wedding as she wanted more money, quite disgusting really considering she knew that my husband was grieving, I knew she could stoop low, but really?

Our wedding day was beautiful, it was scorching hot and the only downside that was that I sniffed and coughed my way through my vows, but other than that, the day was perfect.

We flew out a few days later for our 2 week honeymoon, I had been so looking forward to this, maybe this could help ease the stresses of the last month or so? Wrong. My husband was not miraculously over his grieving and I was still full of cold, it was a beautiful paradise, yet we were both exhausted and somewhat subdued. I stupidly allowed myself to look at all the other honeymooners and began to compare us against them and made myself quite miserable. I had hoped we would be leaving all our troubles behind, but of course, there are only so many things you can escape, grief and illness not being one of them. It wasnt all doom and gloom and we did enjoy ourselves, but I felt as if we were both slightly distracted, I had probably over romanticized it in my head and once I got over the disappointment of it not being how I imagined, I began to feel guilty and quite annoyed, I’m not even sure who or what with if I am honest.

When we returned, I was still feeling pretty fed up, I put it down to wedding/honeymoon blues and just sucked it up. I was sure once I got back to work I would get back into the swing of things. I arranged lots of lunches/dinners with friends so that I had things to look forward to, I had to literally drag myself out of bed each morning to go to work. At the end of the first week I was feeling worse, I was tearful and erratic and I spent pretty much the entire Saturday in my bed, even eating my meals there. Monday & Tuesday I had panic attacks and I was pretty fed up with feeling like this. It’s such a vicious circle of anger, fear, paranoia and worst of all guilt, I can’t bear the guilt, of thinking how my behaviour is affecting others, the guilt then leads right back around to fear and the whole merry-go-round continues. I’m very lucky to have friends who I can speak to and who keep me going with positive helpful messages. I can talk to my husband, but I think when I do I am feeling one of many emotions and usually to do with him so I either talk in anger, which never comes across great or I stay silent out of guilt or fear.

I spoke to my husband about what I should do and we agreed, as much as anti-depressant helped me before, I really would like to see if I can deal with this myself. So I gave myself 3 weeks to see how I go and last week I ordered myself a Laws of Attraction planner from Amazon, I had Wednesday night at home alone to read through and complete. The Laws of Attraction therapy had worked so well for me, I just need to pick things up again and hopefully I would perk up. Once I had ordered the planner, I started to feel better, I guess it’s because I was taking some action rather than sitting moping around (like I was before writing this blog)

It arrived on Wednesday, it was huge, I couldn’t wait to get it home and filled in. I got it home and realised I probably wasnt going to get this done in one evening, not if I was going to complete it properly, but that was fine, if its going to help me then I am happy to take my time, after all one of my goals is to be more patient. Of course I will be doing a review of this for you all once I’m into the swing of things.

I have been fairly busy over the weekend, but did manage to get quite a bit of the planner filled in, but still have a fair bit to go before I am ready to complete the daily inputs, which are the bits that will really help, also I havent been doing my gratitude EVERY day, like I should be, so it’s no surprise that I am back to feeling crappy and low. After some google searching, I also now have the other concern that I could potentially be experiencing early menopause. I know, I know, you shouldnt google your symptoms, but I did and they aren’t dissimilar to depression, so if it hasn’t calmed down in the next couple of weeks, that is something else I will be speaking to my doctor about.

Surprisingly, or not. I actually do feel better for stopping my moping and writing this, maybe now I will pick up my planner and get some more of that done!

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When your comfort doesn’t cut it

I haven’t written for a while, work has been hectic, wedding planning has been stressful and my boyfriend had a bereavement.

I like to think of myself as someone who is good at helping others, if my friends have problems, I am usually one of the people they come to for advise or comfort. Which is why I have found myself in this unusual situation with my boyfriend. He’s one of those types of people who do not want to be comforted, at least not by me and if I am completely honest, I have absolutely no idea how to deal with this situation. Of course, this situation isn’t about me, he is the one who is grieving.I did not know this person very well at all, but I wanted to write about my experience here as it’s not something I have experienced before I and I am finding it quite bewildering and if I am honest, really quite stressful as I want to help and comfort him, but I don’t know how.

For the first time in our 5 years of being together, I genuinely don’t know how to behave around him. Of course I have offered kind words and support, I took some time off work, but got the impression he just wanted to be alone, so I gave him some space, spending the entire time feeling incredibly guilty. When I have spoken to him about it, asking what he would like me to do, he would just say, do what you want to do. What I want to do is to make it all better and to not see him so sad, but I cant do this and it’s so horrible, obviously not as horrible as what as he is going through I know.

I have to say the one thing that has helped immensely is my new-found knowledge of the Laws of Attraction. I think I would have absolutely be back in the Hole if I hadn’t learned about this. I still feel very overwhelmed with everything going on, I’m only 2 months into my job which is very busy and quite pressurised and we get married in 2 weeks (this still hasn’t sunk in) There are still so many little things to do for our wedding, the majority of everything I have already organised, but the last-minute things, which can’t really be done until now, are coming up and I have had to admit to myself that I am struggling to cope with everything, last week I had a complete meltdown at work, luckily my boss is a good friend of mine and knows everything that’s going on.

Usually, if I am feeling like this I can just get it off my chest and move forward but this time I just feel so unbelievably selfish for not being strong enough to deal with the situation, for not knowing the right things to say or do, for not being able to comfort and make my own boyfriend feel better, what sort of girlfriend am I? He’s not massively into communication and likes to keep his feelings to himself so I am trying to respect that.

I feel guilty for talking about the wedding and wanting to feel excited about it. I have photographers etc emailing me with questions and whilst I am dealing with as much as I can on my own, some things do need his input. I have asked if he still wants to get married and he said that he does and that he is looking forward to it.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I think I am starting to get me.

It feels like forever since my last blog post, there’s just been so much going on. I’ve started my new job, which involves a lot more brain activity than I’ve been used to in a while, its been my birthday – I am now 37 years old, someone please tell my brain, although I think my body is too far ahead and thinks its 50 – and I had my hen weekend, which was honestly amazing.

All of these things have obviously impacted my life and most definitely my mindset, I am however, truly amazed at how quickly the laws of attraction (LOA) therapy has changed the way I think and feel. Please don’t get me wrong, I still have down days and I am still an absolute psycho (on occasion) but, what I have realised is that that’s who I am, hence the change in my the main title of my blog from “Who am I?” to “This is me” as I feel like I am finally getting to grips with who I really am and do you know what, I actually quite like me (dont tell Barry!) I am just now more in control of my thoughts, which then go on to affect the way I feel.

Like I said, I still have my down days, let me speak about this briefly, I don’t want to dwell on the negativity, whilst on my positive high 🙂

Since having my first LOA session, I have really noticed when I am feeling down. Obviously we all know when we feel miserable, but now when I feel low, I have this craving for my positive state of mind, I REALLY miss it, it’s totally addictive, more addictive than chocolate or wine and I find that rather than sink into the hole like I would before, I try to think logically as to what could have caused this dip in my mood, often once I have figured out what the cause is (and sometimes its something random) the negativity dissipates and my positive self returns – Hurrah!

Heres an example; It was my fourth day at my new job, my brain was tired, my body was tired but as I walked down the hill on my way home from the train station, I felt like I’d just been given the loveliest gift (I hadn’t, this was just becoming my normal feeling, which as I am sure you can now understand is why it’s so addictive, who doesn’t want to feel like that constantly, especially when I am usually such a negative nancy!) I got home, spoke to my mum on the phone, my boyfriend was seeing the kids.  I was just ending the call when he walked in the house. The strangest thing happened, I instantly felt angry at him, he hadnt even said a word, in fact he’d barely stepped in the room and within minutes we were sniping at each other. I was getting more annoyed because I’d gone from feeling like I’d won the most amazing prize to feeling like I’d stubbed every single one of my toes and I didnt know why. arrrrrghh. I spent the entire night trying to figure out what the hell had happened.

I woke up the following morning and an idea popped in my head, I approached my boyfriend whilst he was brushing his teeth, “Can I ask you something? I don’t want to know the details I just need a yes or no” He stopped mid brush looking concerned, so before he had a chance to decline I jumped straight in. “Did you have a row with your ex last night when you took the kids home?” He looked at me puzzled and said “Yeah I did actually” DING DING DING all of a sudden it all fell into place. That’s why I was so angry, I would never have realised this before. He had brought negative energy into our home, his argument with his ex caused the negative energy, which had clung to him like a bad smell and come into our house and I sniffed it out like a bloodhound and reacted like a rabid dog (ok maybe too dramatic). I know it sounds out there, but it totally made sense, and even better, once I was aware of this and acknowledged it, bye bye bad smell. Amazing, I felt even more in control of my life, always helpful when you’re such a control freak.

Dont get me wrong, it’s not always plain sailing. The week before my birthday I felt so fed up, not because I was getting older (I actually love my birthday) I didn’t know why, it was my birthday AND my hen weekend the following week, why the hell was I so down in the dumps? I was missing my prize-winning, cloud surfing, sickeningly happy self of yesterweek.

I was trying to do my gratitude and my brain wasnt having it, when I finally managed to think of something to be grateful for, my brain would dismiss it “well its not that good” when I tried to muster a positive thought on my way into work, some city twat would barge into me like I wasnt there, so my thoughts shifted to wishing they’d fall down and open man-hole and my negative energy was winning, I kept walking into things and dropping stuff, I wanted to stay in bed and cry. Eventually after a good week of feeling like I was on an emotional rollercoaster I messaged my LOA guru Tanya. In doing so and just acknowledging my feelings and basically asking for help, I felt slightly better and even more so once she had replied, you see, although LOA is amazing, it doesn’t mean I can just sit back and drink all the wine, which is exactly what I had been doing, along with, not sleeping properly due to the new job and the impending hen weekend and not having any time to myself, due to my upcoming birthday which always comes with lots of birthday dinners and drinks and as we all should know by now, especially me, too much booze = a visit to the hole. Once I had talked this through and realised how to resolve this, I found it much easier to get back on that positive frequency. I took a half day from work on my birthday and rather than use it to stay out drinking all afternoon, I actually went home and caught up on some sleep and slowly regained my good self back.

So the moral of this story is you can’t just sit on your backside drinking prosecco expecting the world to fall at your feet (but I gave it a go)

The Ora Experience so far….

As you know from my last blog post, I recently had my first session of a new therapy a friend of mine has started. So much has happened since I had this therapy I just had to write about it, also I am hoping this should cover some of the homework (Tanya?)

I came away from the first session with a whole new sensation in my body, the only way I can think to describe it is like a bubbling, to the point of bursting with a mixture of excitement and a real positive feeling, it’s a bit like when you’ve bought someone a gift and you know they are going to love it, an excited anticipation.

The first noticeable thing that happened, was the day after my first session. I woke up all snuggled in bed feeling what can only be described as content. I thought to myself, “I could really do with a couple more days off and start the new job on Monday” I got up, made some tea and tended to the boyfriend, who had come down with a deadly bout of man flu (a cold). A while later I got a text message from my friend who I was going to work with saying that they made need to delay my start date due to the snow and people not being able to get in. Blimey, I’d only thought about this this morning, the snow hadn’t even been bad the day before.

I spent my day writing and doing little odd jobs, I felt full of enthusiasm and with the principles I’d been given to try out in mind, I found I was noticing quite quickly if I was about to judge, I found myself, rather than focusing on someones dodgy hairstyle or dress sense on TV, finding something positive and actually vocalising it “I like her nail colour” for example. I instantly felt better, this was weird.

My friend text me that afternoon to confirm that my new start date was to be on Monday, well this was going well, I had been reading one of the books Tanya had told me to read and in that it said that you should not doubt things and believe that everything is coincidence, so I thought, you know what, I wanted this and that’s why it’s happened.

The ultimate test came later that evening, when my sainsburys shopping delivery was cancelled 45 minutes after it was due to be delivered. I had no bread in the house and the food I’d planned to have for dinner was in the delivery. My immediate reaction would usually be to be annoyed and throw a hissy fit, but I didn’t, I felt oddly calm. We had food in the cupboards and if need be I could put my wellies on and walk up the shops and get some bread, bread wasnt the centre of the universe anyway (wine is). I picked up my phone, went online and emailed Sainsburys and arranged for the next available slot, which was Friday morning. I noticed that the delivery charge for this slot was £5 more, so I just emailed sainsburys and asked for them to refund the difference. Sorted, along with a dominoes pizza order which is definitely not on the slimming world plan! Oops. But still, I didnt complain, I didnt even get upset (alright the pizza might have helped) I just did something I never ever do. I took it in my stride! ME, I’ve never even taken my stride in my stride before!! Not without worrying about it first.

The following day, the boyfriends man flu had dissipated (slightly) and he went back to work. I was supposed to be having the first of my hen do’s the following day, it was just a small group of us for a couple of people who couldn’t make the main one, it was in London and I thought to myself, I don’t really fancy trekking all the way into London tomorrow. When the original plans had been made I was going to have been at work so it wouldn’t have been far for me to travel at all, but I really wanted to take this time off to relax, I had a really busy week last week and would have another busy week next week.

Later that day one of the girls messaged me saying she may not make it because she may have difficulty travelling in, but to go ahead without her. I said we should wait and see what the weather is saying as we may all have problems getting there. Could this really be another thing I have “manifested”?

Sainsburys also called me to confirm they had refunded the extra money on my delivery, lovely thank you very much.

I was also feeling guilty about my dominoes binge the night before so I decided I must do better today, I had already got up and completed a HIIT session that morning and that had really set me up for the day. The only way I could describe my current mindset is “At peace” Now for those of you that have read my other blogs, you will know I’m much more in pieces than at peace! So this was a very welcome first.

I went to bed that night with a few scoops of (low-calorie) salted caramel ice cream (delish by the way) and a smile on my face. Oh and something else happened, I love to be stroked (pretty sure I was a dog in a former life) I am always pestering my boyfriend to stroke my arm, face, hair whatever, to the point where he now refers to me as a strokeponce. He never EVER does this unless it’s requested, so imagine my surprise as I am in bed reading (the latest Rachel Abbott novel if anyones interested, it’s really good!) he started stroking my hair!!! At first I was like WTAF? But then I just gave a little smile to my strokeponce self and said nothing, if I did he might stop!!

I woke up the following morning feeling groggy, it would appear I have contracted the man flu from my boyfriend, (I was a bit bunged up and headachey, not falling out of my bed muttering about funeral plans as some people do – no names mentioned) I did my 3 things to be grateful for in my head, as I had been each morning since my session and came downstairs to make myself a cup of tea.

The sainsburys shopping arrived later that morning, Hurrah, I was looking forward to having a sausage and egg sandwich. I thanked the delivery girl for being out in this weather, which I realised afterwards I genuinely meant, I really was grateful that she had delivered my food. I put the (low-fat) sausages in the oven (sainsburys reduced fat are yum by the way) whilst I unpacked the rest of my shopping, hang on, where’s the bread?? How am I going to have a sandwich? Dammit it wasnt on the receipt, I was certain I had ordered it! I messaged the boyfriend and ask if he could pick some up on his way home and I said I would have to have a bagel instead, I was just about to complain to him how bad bagels were on Slimming World (11 syns for those of you wondering) when I stopped myself, instead of complaining, what could I have instead? So I ended up with rather delicious half english breakfast, as I like to call it. Oven cooked sausages, grilled bacon, scrambled egg & mushrooms, much better than a sausage sandwich indeed and much more slimming world friendly.

The post arrived and there was what looked like a card addressed to me, odd, someones a month early for my birthday? When I opened it it was a good luck card from my best friend, I was genuinely touched, I actually felt really thankful and it was a lovely feeling, I popped the card up and sent her a message saying thank you and that it was a nice surprise. I opened the other letter addressed to me, from my bank. They are going to reduce my overdraft by £700 on April 2nd. I’ve had these letters before, this happens regularly and even though I know the process it still stresses me out, makes me angry and I usually have a bit of an internal melt down. Not today, I read the letter calmly, decided I would give them a call later to arrange to pay this off monthly, which is how it usually worked, and I would give it no more thought. Who am I?

Then I got a message from my friend, his girlfriend just had their first baby and he wanted to do something nice for mother’s day for her. This is my idea of heaven, I love finding nice things for people to do and helping them buy gifts, if this was an actual job I would be the best at this! I sent over some ideas, which he loved and again felt a lovely warm feeling inside, grateful that my friend came to me and happy that I could help.

Saturday morning I woke up and feeling like I was diluted, it was our weekend to have the kids and because of the weather the boyfriend agreed to pick them up on Saturday morning. I woke up feeling groggy, having had a few glasses of red wine the night before, I was so busy thinking about how rubbish I was feeling I totally forgot to do my gratitude first thing, oops. The kids arrived and brought the usual noise into my peaceful house, I started to feel resentful as I made myself a cup of tea, there was mess everywhere already and the sofa was taken over as they fired up the Playstation, leaving me with nowhere to sit, I was desperately trying to not to feel negative as I wanted to avoid any negative emotions so I came upstairs and re-read the principles that had been given to me as part of the therapy, this helped me to gain some perspective and I did some tidying up upstairs. I find this helps clear my mind sometimes and can help distract me from my thoughts. I wasn’t enjoying this feeling, I missed that fizzy excitement of the last few days and was scrabbling around trying to get it back somehow…maybe some food would help, now we had some bread in the house, maybe it was time for that much coveted sausage & egg sandwich…..This feeling was like a cloud, I could almost feel it and I didnt want it, my friend had given me some sage to burn (I’ll write about this another time) and I was really tempted to eat it or smoke the bloody thing if it would rid me of this negative feeling. I picked up my laptop to update this blog and this is where I am right now, on my bed, typing away, waiting for my sausages to cook, with yet another cup of tea trying to sum up some positivity.

Needlessly Needy

After a very busy summer, autumn is upon us. There have been weddings, holidays, a witch (crazy ex girlfriend) weekend trips and another leg injury. I have also decided to join slimming world as I was unfortunately finding the 90 day plan unsustainable, I love Joe but it just wasnt working for me. Slimming world however has seen me lose 5lb in 4 weeks, although I did put 2lb back on after a little trip to paris, but that’s a given.

As the shorter days and darker nights are creeping in, so is something else, my insecurities. I am becoming increasingly insecure and needy and I absolutely bloody despise it, which doesn’t really help me feel any better about myself, it just gets added to the long list of “things I don’t like about me”

Take this weekend for example, my boyfriend went on his annual golf trip, he’s been every year since before we met and I was actually looking forward to having the house to myself. I had arranged for some friends to come over on the Friday night and see some friends for lunch on Saturday, giving me Saturday afternoon/evening and all day and night Sunday. This turned out to be a huge mistake.

I was fine until Sunday, for some reason I kept crying, I honestly couldn’t tell you why, what I can tell you is that I really just wanted my boyfriend, I mean how ridiculous is that? I am 36 years old, I’m a grown woman, yet here I am crying on the sofa trying to fathom out why, which then made me cry even more. As the day went on I managed to calm myself a bit and do some of the things I had planned to do (make a slimming world cheesecake for one!) then the cry baby in me came back again, then all of a sudden out of nowhere, a nice bit of paranoia just to mix up a bit. “Yeah he’s probably met someone else” Oh FFS brain. Do one.

When he did eventually get home just after midnight, I was emotionally exhausted, but couldn’t sleep. I gave him a big hug then told him I had missed him, then cried (again) I told him what had happened, although I gave him the very basic, light version, so as he didn’t know just how mental I really am.

I woke up today, thinking I would feel better, but sadly I don’t. I feel like I am needing some sort of reassurance, but I dont really know what for or why. I feel unbelievably sad, like just someone speaking to me in an off tone might make me cry and of course none of this is helped by the fact that I am tired as I went to bed so late.

I know I need to sort this out but my brain is so consumed with worry and sadness I can’t think straight. When did I go from being this independent, outgoing woman to this needy insecure wretch that doesn’t want to do anything anymore?

I did do some reading on this and read a lot about how relying on others to make you happy often brings unhappiness. I am hugely guilty of this, I am the type of person who thinks people think how I think, so when someone is thoughtless, even unintentional, it really bloody hurts my feelings. If for example, my boyfriend has had a bad day, I will make him something nice for dinner, give him control of the TV and just generally look after him. If I have had a bad day, the above still happens for my boyfriend, not for me. I know I need to realise that not everyone thinks like me, he may not even want me to do those things, he probably would just rather I sodded off upstairs and left him alone, but the truth is I do these things because that’s what I would like if I was feeling like that and therefore I am setting myself up for a fall as god dammit he doesn’t think like me.

So now, I am resolving to try my best and put myself first and not feel guilty about it, the guilt is another battle in itself but I do feel there may be some truth in it, how can I expect others to put me first when I am not deeming myself important enough?

So wish me luck people and I’ll let you know how that cheesecake is.

Moody Monday

Last night I made myself some overnight oats, which was actually a great trick as when I tried to have my usual argument with myself this morning about shall I exercise or stay in bed, I had to get up because I had to have my refuel meal. I decided to go up to level 3 on the Joe Wicks DVD, bloody hell, who thought that 5 seconds more could make such a difference? Feeling achey, but all please with myself, I got ready for work and enjoyed my oatsIMG_6489

I was in pretty happy mood for a Monday, work was pretty quiet so I thought I would go online and look for some outfits for my birthday dinner with the boyfriend on Friday. I’m not sure if this was the trigger, as I did find it quite depressing looking at all these slim women and all these lovely dresses and knowing that I was not going to be able to wear any of them but suddenly the black cloud arrived, I had managed to avoid it for the last few days but now it was well and truly here.

By the time I finished work I was a really bad mood and I really didn’t know why!! I felt really fed up, angry & tearful. I wondered if it was a booze comedown from the weekend but I didn’t drink anymore than a normal weekend. I’m already blaming my boyfriend for being moody at the weekend and spending the entire time on the computer with the kids, I worked it out that the entire time the kids were awake and in the house, they were on the computer. Me, I just cleaned up.

I hated feeling like this and havent felt this bad since being on my tablets, it was literally a rollercoaster of emotions, by the time I got home I wanted to cry. To make matters worse, my boyfriend ended up having to work a bit late, which usually I wouldn’t care about and be happy to have the extra time to myself, but today I wanted him home, I don’t even know why as really I just wanted to shout at him for no reason whatsoever.

After being home for about an hour he messaged me to say he was on the train, so I decided to get dinner on the go. Normally I would offer to go and pick him up but I was so pissed off and fed up I decided he could walk for once. Childish I know.

He came home and seemed in a fairly good mood which made me feel a little bit better, we chatted a bit and he asked me how my day was, so I was honest and told him how I was feeling, I left out the part where he was to blame for everything that was wrong with the world, I didn’t think that would help matters. He gave me a big cuddle and we sat and had a nice chilled night together, along with my cheesy meatballs. Heres hoping to a better day tomorrow.IMG_6495