The uninvited Chimp

So I have spent the last few days feeling really sorry for myself. My mojo is creeping back but that little negative voice in my head aka Barry, is back for a visit and I didn’t bloody invite him.

I have my first ever cold sore, which I am convinced everyone is staring at. I can feel it growing like its its own person, I shall name him Colin if this carries on much longer.

I don’t feel like I have lost any weight or inches coming to the end of cycle one, even though I have still drank a fair amount of booze and had a few takeaways so probably shouldnt be surprised. This is making me panic as I have a hen do, a wedding and a girls weekend away coming up in about 6 weeks and everything I wear makes me look like a bound up piece of meat

Meat

I havent slept very well for the last few nights which I think is making my head whirl, it’s just constant chatter in my head: “Dont forget to….” “What if …. happens?” “Why did …. do/say that?” and the very popular “Why isnt ….. replying to my message?” Oh its been such fun! My boyfriend is then talking about going out for a few drinks after work, which my initial (internal) reaction was not very good. “Is he going to come home late? Is he going to be ok? I something going to happen? I mean he only said he might go out!? I he even going??”

Then I realised that Barry the Bastard isn’t in charge of me anymore! I went against him and messaged my friend and felt instantly better, then started thinking about what I was going to watch on TV, what I was going to make myself for dinner, house to myself YAY!!!! Screw you Barry!! You’re certainly not invited to sit on the sofa with me and watch 13 reasons why, you and Colin can eff right off.

 

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Do friends have “sell by” dates?

This post is dedicated to my friend and general life coach 🙂

So after three weeks off of the plan due to the torn muscle and the tonsilitis I am now a week back in, sadly the drama in my life didn’t stop there.

I am at a stage in my life where I am happy and settled, I have some amazing people around me, I really am very lucky. Sometimes though, this reveals some of the people who have been not so amazing and unfortunately, this happened to be someone I had considered one of my best friends a couple of years back.

I have this friend, we used to be really close, we went through a lot together, however the last few years I have become more and more frustrated as our friendship seems to have become very one-sided.

Around the time I moved out of the area, she had her first child, all was good I went to visit her regularly and I would take time off of work to drive over to see her and the baby, who I later became godparent to. Understandably, she couldn’t come out as much, but I still made sure I stayed in touch and visited all the time. She didn’t drive at the time so I would go and collect her and take her back to my home if she wanted to come to me, which wasn’t very often. Then it kind of started to fall apart.

I would send her a message or call her and wouldn’t get a response, I understand she has other priorities, not a problem, but when I would see her she would tell me how she had been messaging a guy all night. I was annoyed, she has all this time to message this guy back, but she didn’t have time to message me back? Slightly rude but ok, I decided to take a step back, I didn’t want to fall out with anyone, but I wasnt going to put any more effort in than necessary, I was quite upset, I thought our friendship was better than that.

I would get the occasional phone call or message when there was an update on this guy, I didn’t really want to hear it, I tried to talk about her husband and children but she just wanted to talk about him, she would suggest meeting up but I tried to avoid it on a one to one basis as I didn’t want to hear about her affairs, so I kind of just got on with my life, avoiding the situation when I could and occasionally meeting up.

Then last year we seemed to get a bit closer again, she got better at replying to messages and we kept in touch more regularly and met up a few times, she seemed to have realised that I didn’t want to hear about her affairs, which were still ongoing and then, I got engaged. I sent a message out to all of my close friends, her included and everybody responded, apart from her, she did however respond on social media. Odd.

I messaged her a few days later to ask when she was free and I’ll give her a call as I knew she was going away, I never heard a thing. This was so bizarre. Every time I saw her before she was always asking “Are you engaged yet?” So when it finally happened, it seemed like she didn’t want to know, I was confused, I was expecting her to be straight on the phone wanting to know all about it, not because that’s what I think people should be doing but because she had always made such a big deal about it before, so to hear nothing was strange. When I did hear it was on a group message of a few of us and not much to it just a general message to everyone.

I heard from her on and off, making half-hearted attempts to meet up, although I had to go to her, which unfortunately was a bit difficult as I was so busy at the weekends and it was too far to drive in the evening, I suggested meeting halfway in the week but she said she was too busy, then she didn’t come to the engagement party, so I just left it.

I thought maybe she had stuff going on, but her social media has never been so active, it’s all over instagram her out partying, she didn’t even invite me to her birthday night which has never happened before.

 

I decided I needed to have a good think about this friendship, unfortunately, she had obviously sensed this and I was now getting weekly messages asking when we were meeting up and how was I? I needed some space to think about what I was going to do but I wasnt getting any. I just ignored the messages, hoping that she would realise. This was probably a cowardly thing to do but I didn’t want to be fake and I didnt want to end the friendship until I had proper time to mull it over, this friendship had meant a lot to me once and I needed to figure this out in my head.

She has now realised that I am upset with her and has asked why. I laid out all the facts, I wasn’t nasty I just said it how it was. It wasn’t easy and its something I have put off doing for a while but it was stressing me out and I was losing sleep over it.

I feel better for it now and just hope that I am given the space I have asked for.

 

The Body Coach 90 Day SSS Plan, the rest of week 2

Its Friday, Hurrah! I have been so excited about my weekend this week as I have zero plans!! I am in such a good mood!! I got up and done a HIIT session and treated myself to some pancakes, today is going to be good.IMG_6417

That didn’t last long, I’ve been having issues with a friend of mine and I’ve been noticing over the years how one-sided our friendship is, I have been upset before but I am kind of over it now as it is what it is, however, now I am no longer showing an interest in the friendship, I am finding her to be quite manipulative and she has even gone as far as saying that I havent seen her son for ages and he wants to see me, basically trying to guilt trip me. I am fuming, I was so angry about this, I needed to let off some steam, so I ended up enjoying a couple of glasses of red wine at lunch with friends and furiously texting my other friend/unofficial life coach. I stuck to my lunch plans but sadly ended up meeting my boyfriend for a few drinks after work and getting rather worse for wear and eating a cheeseburger and some chips and falling asleep on the sofa. No pictures of that I am afraid.

Saturday

After waking up on the sofa at midnight and sending myself to bed, I woke up Saturday feeling ok-ish. I decided to have a lazy day today, my boyfriend was going to play golf so I had the TV to myself. I made myself a nice cheese and mushroom omelette, that should see me through until lunch time.IMG_6426

My body was screaming for sugar, it must have been the wine last night. Dammit!  Plus I knew there were biscuits and chocolate in the cupboard, I want some!!!!!! I knew I should’ve saved myself a grenade bar!! I managed to refrain and instead asked my boyfriend to pick up some coke zeros, as I am allowed 2 per day. I think I exhausted myself with my battle of will power as I actually fell asleep in the afternoon and when my boyfriend come back I made the chicken cashew curry which has become a firm favourite.IMG_6429

I was happy, I managed to not give in to my cravings, I have always been a bit of secret eater and would sneak food when I was in the house alone, but for the first time in my life I managed to stay strong. Yay Me!

Sunday

Sunday was housework day, I was supposed to do a HIIT session, but decided by the time I had done all the house work, I would be to tired, so I easily talked myself out of that one. I convinced my boyfriend to join me in a guilt free fry up, he was slightly concerned about eating steak for breakfast, but he enjoyed it so much he wants it this week!!IMG_6431

As I couldn’t have a roast dinner, which I am surprised to be missing, I decided to give the sausage and beef casserole a go in the slow cooker, although I think I may have put a bit too much water in so I’ll have to try that one again.

IMG_6435

Monday

Monday came around, but I felt like I had had a really nice chilled weekend so I was raring to go on Monday, I had a HIIT session planned for the evening so for breakfast I decided to give the reduced carb oats a go.IMG_6437

They were strange, I think I would give them another go, but the verdict was out on those. I came home that night and got straight into a HIIT session followed by a protein shake as I was starving!! Then I tried out the Paprika chicken and potatoes, delish. Another one for the make again list.IMG_6442

So week 2 is done, I should have done one more HIIT session really but I was pretty good with my food (apart from the burger & chips) I’m still drinking more than I should though and need to make more of an effort with this. I’m worried as my birthday is coming up and I have lots of lunches and dinners planned, I need to stay focused!!!

No kids for me, thanks.

 

I always thought I wanted children, that’s the role women play, we keep house and we have children. I spent my entire youth fighting this role, yet as I got older it became more appealing. When I married my ex husband at the age of 27, we had previously discussed having children. I said I wanted to be married first, fooling myself, and him, that I was a traditionalist, really I was just putting things off. I didn’t know this at the time, I thought that I genuinely was a traditionalist, I wanted to do things “properly”. I would be the first person on both sides of my family to do this.

After we separated, my “plan” of having 3-4 children seemed to go out the window. It plagued me at times, I ached for what I thought was wanting to be a parent, but now I know it was more about wanting what I couldn’t have.

I had this desperate need to settle down, yet, I didn’t want to grow up. I had missed out on so many years of just being on my own, I loved it. I was independent by nature, yet I had always seemed to get myself into relationships, I wanted to be needed, wanted.

I had friend say to me “Oh you’ll be a great mum” or “I can’t wait for you to be a mum” this used to make me really sad as at the time, I had no boyfriend in sight and I was on the wrong side of 30. The odds were against me and I found it quite a cruel thing to hear, given all my friends knew about how I felt about having children.

After a couple of years of being mostly single, I came around to the idea of no children. A lot of my friends were having children and the idea wasnt really growing on me! I loved my new-found freedom, I couldn’t imagine a life where you couldnt just decide to do something on the spur of the moment, or sleep for a whole night, or think about anyone else but yourself if you didn’t want to. This sounds selfish and its is and precisely the reason I shouldnt have a child.

I didn’t feel natural around babies or children like some people do, I didnt get that warm fuzzy feeling when looking at a baby, I didnt understand being “broody”. When I met my boyfriend, it genuinely didnt bother me that he had children, it surprised me more than anyone. This was how I knew I liked him rather a lot. However, me being in a steady relationship brought on the continuous questions about us starting a family of our own, even from the very beginning. I had been quite comfortable in the fact that I was to be childless, I would have step children and therefore get the best of both worlds, but apparently not, according to other people. This then made me doubt my own mind.

I don’t know why people think its acceptable to comment on people’s family planning, I mean some people are desperately trying to conceive and are unable to, if I find being questioned annoying and upsetting how must these people feel? It’s no ones business and if its something they wish to share they will. It’s not just people without children either, I have friends who have one child and they are constantly being asked when more will come and it really bothers them, some have struggled to cope with their first and dont want to put themselves or their family through it again and some are trying and struggling to conceive and feel like failures.

Here are some of the things I have had people say to me:

You’ll change your mind.

This is my number one most hated thing people say. Like I don’t have a brain in my head and can’t make decisions? I am 35 years old, I think if I was going to change my mind I would have done it by now. Why do I have to change my mind? Are they psychic?

You don’t know tiredness until you have kids.

I don’t want to either. This is one of the reasons why I dont want them, I am the bitch from hell if I dont get my 7 hours. Whereas you chose to have a child and should have been aware that tiredness is part of the little bundle of “joy” so stop complaining.

Who will take care of you when you’re old.

Wow. Is this an actual reason for people having kids? Well lets see, who looks after me now? Oh yeah, me and if I can’t there are places to go and be looked after.

You’ll never know love like it.

Personally, I never want to love anyone more than I love my boyfriend, it’s the most love I have ever felt.I have seen the most closest of couples fall apart as one them is being neglected by their partner as they are so in love with their child. Who’s measuring love anyway? How do they know? Is this another thing that comes becoming a parent? A loveometer?

You are really selfish.

Yes, a family member actually said this to me. It actually really upset me at the time. Surely the most selfish thing I can do is bring an unwanted child into this world? And surely if I am this terrible selfish person, I would be a terrible selfish mother.

It no longer upsets me when I get asked these questions as I am now fully comfortable with my decision and realise I know my own mind better than anyone and there is nothing wrong with not wanting children. Dont get me wrong, I don’t hate children or people with children. I even like some children. My very best friends have children who I adore and I love my stepchildren, it hasn’t always been easy. But I’ll write about that another day.

 

My new bucket list

I do love a list. I actually bought a book last year called The 52 list Project, which I haven’t got round to using, I have an app on my phone for my shopping list, I even have a list of things I want to write about. I think its stems from my mum, she always wrote a to do list of the housework etc and its such a great satisfaction to cross things off. Back in 2009, I decided to write a bucket list of things I wanted to do before I was 30 which I came across recently, I realised that I had actually crossed quite a few off, not necessarily before I was 30 but still. Some of them I looked at and wondered why they were on there in the first place . I’ve broke it down into sections below:

  1. Things I have managed to cross off the list.
  2. Things I still want to do.
  3. Things I have removed off the list
  4. New things to add to the list.

1. Been there, done that.

  • Go to a football match
  • Go to Paris
  • Learn to shoot
  • Go camping
  • Go on a gondola in Venice
  • Visit the Grand Canyon
  • Eat in Dans le Noir
  • Try oysters
  • Run a marathon
  • Go to New York

2. Still to do.

  • Write a book
  • Go on the orient express
  • Become financially stable
  • Go to Australia & New Zealand
  • Go on an Alaskan cruise
  • See the Rocky Mountains
  • Go in a hot air balloon
  •  Go on Safari
  • Become financially stable
  • Learn to make cocktails properly
  • See the Northern Lights
  • Whale watch
  • Learn to use chopsticks
  • Family Tree
  • Go to Lapland on the huskies
  • Visit Disneyland Florida
  • Go to Cornwall
  • Learn to ski
  • Ride on a tandem bike
  • Fly a kite
  • Learn to draw.
  • Drive around America

3. What was I thinking…

  • Learn to ride a horse – I’m not sure why this was on there, I rode a horse in Mexico once (called Machete) and I honestly thought I was going to die that day. Maybe I was feeling brave the day I wrote this list.
  • Go for Regression – I’ve heard a few horror stories about this, not sure I quite fancy it now.

4. New things added

  • See the Great Wall of china
  • Stay in a cottage near the Lake District with an open fire
  • Fly somewhere in First Class
  • Learn to play the piano

I am planning to write this this down and cross try to achieve one thing each year.

Whats on your bucket list?

Communication Calamity

Today is a new day. Thank God.

After yesterday’s post, a good of friend gave me her honest opinion of the situation with my boyfriend and I realised that he is not totally to blame and I am certainly not blameless.

One of my best skills at work is communication, I have to deal with a lot of different people and always get good feedback on my communication skills. I also like to think I’m good at this with friends as well, I’m good at staying in touch with people and rarely fall out with people, so why am I so terrible at it in my relationship?

After yesterday barely speaking all day I was still frustrated and angry. I had plans to meet a friend for dinner and he was playing football. I wasn’t planning on drinking as I wanted to be healthy and also because I was so annoyed, but this was also the reason that I wanted to drink. I wanted to get away from the angry tearful feeling, so I went to lunch with a friend and had a couple of glasses of red. Ooh that felt better. Mistake No. 1

Mistake No. 2 came later when I decided to continue with the ridiculous idea to have share more wine with my friend, I thought I was ok.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I got home just before my boyfriend, it wasn’t even late, I kicked off. I’ll be completely honest with you, it was a blur, I couldn’t tell you half the things I said, what I do know is they were said in anger, I was in a rage I have not felt for a long time, it was most definately not a welcome feeling, this was the thing I had battled so hard to get rid of, why had it come back!!! Eff Off!!!!

I don’t know if anyone has ever had this, but its like being possessed, its a rage so great your whole body feels tense and you things come out of your mouth that you’re not even thinking, or at least you were not aware you are. Its a horrible feeling and an even more horrible thing for someone else to be on the receiving end of. It ended with me in a heap on the floor in uncontrollable tears, apologising to my poor boyfriend.

I cannot describe how ashamed and upset I am about all of this. I feel like I have failed, not only myself but him as well. I was doing so so well.

After a good nights sleep and then finally having a conversation with me explaining myself properly and not raising my voice (I don’t even realise I am doing this half the time) I feel like we have progressed slightly. My friend had read yesterdays blog and messaged me a very long message, which I am so grateful for, she was completely honest and didn’t try to sugarcoat anything and it was just what I needed. I realised as I was replying to her message, that if I could just have explained all this to my boyfriend the way I was explaining to her, then none of this would have happened! So that’s exactly what I did, I sent him a long message, explaining myself, clearly and in a friendly non-accusing, non-aggressive way, pointing out that I was now aware that I clearly have trouble communicating with him and that I would work on this and also that I would make more effort at the weekends when we have the children and not just go off in a sulk. I also said that I hadn’t been feeling myself over the last week and that perhaps it was the after effects of the alcohol.

So, to sum up, alcohol is now going to be kept to a minimum and for nights out and absolutely not when I am in a crappy frame of mind. More effort to be made to communicate better and involve myself more at weekends with the children.

I’m going to sleep bloody well tonight!