Needlessly Needy

After a very busy summer, autumn is upon us. There have been weddings, holidays, a witch (crazy ex girlfriend) weekend trips and another leg injury. I have also decided to join slimming world as I was unfortunately finding the 90 day plan unsustainable, I love Joe but it just wasnt working for me. Slimming world however has seen me lose 5lb in 4 weeks, although I did put 2lb back on after a little trip to paris, but that’s a given.

As the shorter days and darker nights are creeping in, so is something else, my insecurities. I am becoming increasingly insecure and needy and I absolutely bloody despise it, which doesn’t really help me feel any better about myself, it just gets added to the long list of “things I don’t like about me”

Take this weekend for example, my boyfriend went on his annual golf trip, he’s been every year since before we met and I was actually looking forward to having the house to myself. I had arranged for some friends to come over on the Friday night and see some friends for lunch on Saturday, giving me Saturday afternoon/evening and all day and night Sunday. This turned out to be a huge mistake.

I was fine until Sunday, for some reason I kept crying, I honestly couldn’t tell you why, what I can tell you is that I really just wanted my boyfriend, I mean how ridiculous is that? I am 36 years old, I’m a grown woman, yet here I am crying on the sofa trying to fathom out why, which then made me cry even more. As the day went on I managed to calm myself a bit and do some of the things I had planned to do (make a slimming world cheesecake for one!) then the cry baby in me came back again, then all of a sudden out of nowhere, a nice bit of paranoia just to mix up a bit. “Yeah he’s probably met someone else” Oh FFS brain. Do one.

When he did eventually get home just after midnight, I was emotionally exhausted, but couldn’t sleep. I gave him a big hug then told him I had missed him, then cried (again) I told him what had happened, although I gave him the very basic, light version, so as he didn’t know just how mental I really am.

I woke up today, thinking I would feel better, but sadly I don’t. I feel like I am needing some sort of reassurance, but I dont really know what for or why. I feel unbelievably sad, like just someone speaking to me in an off tone might make me cry and of course none of this is helped by the fact that I am tired as I went to bed so late.

I know I need to sort this out but my brain is so consumed with worry and sadness I can’t think straight. When did I go from being this independent, outgoing woman to this needy insecure wretch that doesn’t want to do anything anymore?

I did do some reading on this and read a lot about how relying on others to make you happy often brings unhappiness. I am hugely guilty of this, I am the type of person who thinks people think how I think, so when someone is thoughtless, even unintentional, it really bloody hurts my feelings. If for example, my boyfriend has had a bad day, I will make him something nice for dinner, give him control of the TV and just generally look after him. If I have had a bad day, the above still happens for my boyfriend, not for me. I know I need to realise that not everyone thinks like me, he may not even want me to do those things, he probably would just rather I sodded off upstairs and left him alone, but the truth is I do these things because that’s what I would like if I was feeling like that and therefore I am setting myself up for a fall as god dammit he doesn’t think like me.

So now, I am resolving to try my best and put myself first and not feel guilty about it, the guilt is another battle in itself but I do feel there may be some truth in it, how can I expect others to put me first when I am not deeming myself important enough?

So wish me luck people and I’ll let you know how that cheesecake is.

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We are not afraid, we are proud.

My thoughts are with all of those people who were affected by the Manchester attack this week.

Living in London as a child in the 80’s, I grew up in the times of the IRA bombings. I was always taught to be vigilant. Usually in the East End, if someone left a bag or package somewhere it would have been snapped up and you would never see it again, but times were different and anything like this was now seen as suspicious.

When I first started working in London at 19, having moved to Essex 5 years ago. My dad, who works in public transport, told me of a code they had at the station to alert staff of a suspect package and that if I was to hear this, I was to leave the station. Even though the IRA bombings had long stopped, I was aware that there were still threats around us.

15 years on and still everyday I listen out for the codes, I watch those around me and everyday I arrive into the London terminals wondering if something will happen today, its second nature to me now, it doesn’t interfere with my day, or my life for that matter.

This morning, after the terror alert had been risen to severe, my thoughts on my journey were no different, if anything I felt safer. I looked around me and saw everyone carrying on and getting on with their day. Everyone still barging past each other and walking so fast the soles of their shoes would probably be worn by the time they got to the office. I felt a huge surge of pride & gratitude, so much so that I wanted to hug all the police outside St Paul’s Cathedral but I didn’t think that was very appropriate. I felt truly grateful that there are people out there willing to put their lives at risk to ensure we are all safe. How amazing that we British, with our funny little ways, when it comes to it, will ALWAYS stand together. I am so very proud.

Getting Unstuck

I’ve been feeling a bit “stuck” I guess is the only word I can think to describe it right now. Its like there is so much I want to do, but I am being held back, I’m not even sure what by. Is it me? My lifestyle? I’m feeling quite frustrated but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Recently, I was doing my usual commute to work. It takes around an hour door to door, half of my journey is spent on the train. I’ve always loved working in London, I’ve been in the city for 16 years now (God I’m old!) The commute has never bothered me and I’ve had many different commutes in that time, including the Central Line, otherwise known as the Greenhouse on wheels. Yet the other day I decided that I wasn’t sure if the city life was for me anymore. I started thinking seriously about my career future. I’ve never wanted to be a big cheese, I had a supervisor role when I was younger and although I am admittedly very bossy, I much prefer to be able to do my job and go home, I could never be someone who works endless hours or takes their job home with them, well at least not this job. I want to feel that passion and excitement that I see in others.

A friend of mine has recently opened her own holistic treatment room. I admire her so much, she has a family, she is the same age as me, she knew what she wanted and she went for it, she took that leap. Her doing this really made me think, what do I enjoy doing? There was only one answer to this, it’s the only thing I have ever enjoyed and that is what I am doing right now. Writing.

My dreams and aspirations have come and gone, when I was in primary school I wanted to be a nurse, since then I have wanted to be an estate agent, a journalist, a hairdresser, a singer and an actress but one thing I have always wanted that has never ever faltered over the years, is to write books. When I was younger I used to “borrow” blank exercise books from school and write stories. I would read books and then have a sequel in my head on what happened to all the characters after. I remember finding a “choose your own adventure book” when I was younger, I was in heaven! All those possible outcomes in one book!! My boyfriend is always amazed at how many books I get through, he’s been reading the same one for months. Reading and writing has always been my passion, I get excited when I have a good idea. Since starting this page I have random thoughts about things I want to write about, it can at times consume me.

My ultimate dream is to make a career out of writing, work from home where I live with my then to be Husband and LOTS of dogs. I just need to make the leap (and time) to do this and get myself unstuck! Any tips on how would be gratefully received!

The uninvited Chimp

So I have spent the last few days feeling really sorry for myself. My mojo is creeping back but that little negative voice in my head aka Barry, is back for a visit and I didn’t bloody invite him.

I have my first ever cold sore, which I am convinced everyone is staring at. I can feel it growing like its its own person, I shall name him Colin if this carries on much longer.

I don’t feel like I have lost any weight or inches coming to the end of cycle one, even though I have still drank a fair amount of booze and had a few takeaways so probably shouldnt be surprised. This is making me panic as I have a hen do, a wedding and a girls weekend away coming up in about 6 weeks and everything I wear makes me look like a bound up piece of meat

Meat

I havent slept very well for the last few nights which I think is making my head whirl, it’s just constant chatter in my head: “Dont forget to….” “What if …. happens?” “Why did …. do/say that?” and the very popular “Why isnt ….. replying to my message?” Oh its been such fun! My boyfriend is then talking about going out for a few drinks after work, which my initial (internal) reaction was not very good. “Is he going to come home late? Is he going to be ok? I something going to happen? I mean he only said he might go out!? I he even going??”

Then I realised that Barry the Bastard isn’t in charge of me anymore! I went against him and messaged my friend and felt instantly better, then started thinking about what I was going to watch on TV, what I was going to make myself for dinner, house to myself YAY!!!! Screw you Barry!! You’re certainly not invited to sit on the sofa with me and watch 13 reasons why, you and Colin can eff right off.

 

Moody Monday

Last night I made myself some overnight oats, which was actually a great trick as when I tried to have my usual argument with myself this morning about shall I exercise or stay in bed, I had to get up because I had to have my refuel meal. I decided to go up to level 3 on the Joe Wicks DVD, bloody hell, who thought that 5 seconds more could make such a difference? Feeling achey, but all please with myself, I got ready for work and enjoyed my oatsIMG_6489

I was in pretty happy mood for a Monday, work was pretty quiet so I thought I would go online and look for some outfits for my birthday dinner with the boyfriend on Friday. I’m not sure if this was the trigger, as I did find it quite depressing looking at all these slim women and all these lovely dresses and knowing that I was not going to be able to wear any of them but suddenly the black cloud arrived, I had managed to avoid it for the last few days but now it was well and truly here.

By the time I finished work I was a really bad mood and I really didn’t know why!! I felt really fed up, angry & tearful. I wondered if it was a booze comedown from the weekend but I didn’t drink anymore than a normal weekend. I’m already blaming my boyfriend for being moody at the weekend and spending the entire time on the computer with the kids, I worked it out that the entire time the kids were awake and in the house, they were on the computer. Me, I just cleaned up.

I hated feeling like this and havent felt this bad since being on my tablets, it was literally a rollercoaster of emotions, by the time I got home I wanted to cry. To make matters worse, my boyfriend ended up having to work a bit late, which usually I wouldn’t care about and be happy to have the extra time to myself, but today I wanted him home, I don’t even know why as really I just wanted to shout at him for no reason whatsoever.

After being home for about an hour he messaged me to say he was on the train, so I decided to get dinner on the go. Normally I would offer to go and pick him up but I was so pissed off and fed up I decided he could walk for once. Childish I know.

He came home and seemed in a fairly good mood which made me feel a little bit better, we chatted a bit and he asked me how my day was, so I was honest and told him how I was feeling, I left out the part where he was to blame for everything that was wrong with the world, I didn’t think that would help matters. He gave me a big cuddle and we sat and had a nice chilled night together, along with my cheesy meatballs. Heres hoping to a better day tomorrow.IMG_6495

Two days of Terror

I had to face a rather big fear of mine today. The dreaded dentist.

I haven’t been for five years, I know shocking right. Obviously no one actually likes going to the dentist, but I have an irrational fear that makes me avoid it altogether. The last time I went it, one of my back teeth had broken, I didn’t go then, I went a few months later when it started becoming unbearably painful, I had to have root canal. During the procedure I flinched and ended up swallowing some weird orange stuff they were using and it ended up coming out of my nose for the rest of the day, it was vile and I felt very sorry for myself. This being my last memory of visiting the dentist, I am sure you can understand why I had avoided it.

I have unintentionally given myself two days of terror as yesterday I had to go for a smear test, which is never pleasant, especially since the last 2 years the results have come back positive and I have had to go to hospitals for a biopsy. Thankfully, both times they have come back clear.

I broke up these “fun” visits by going to see my best friend last night, she cooked me a nice healthy dinner still sticking to my regime, although perhaps sharing 3 bottles of red wine isnt. Oops. I left the car there and got a taxi home, convinced that because the driver was avoiding the main roads, that he was going to kidnap me, this led me to send several bizarre drunken message to my boyfriend, telling him to track me on find your friends. I don’t even remember getting in! Luckily I don’t get hangovers but I did feel rather tired and groggy this morning and its put the plan for the day out of sorts, I didn’t do my Cardio Hiit this morning, I havent had my green tea (to blast my belly fat) and I didn’t have the right breakfast. But I am back on in it now, I’ll do my Cardio on Saturday and make myself a nice carb lunch instead and just make sure I am good for the rest of the day.

I got an appointment at the same time as my boyfriend, that way if there was anything too traumatising he would be there to deal with my meltdown, plus there was less chance of me backing out, which I definitely thought about. The dentist was lovely and introduced herself as she settled me in the chair of doom. She took a look at my teeth, nothing wrong with them (Yay) she wanted to take some x-rays as I was a new patient. She put these little weird square things on a stick and put them in my mouth. Now as I have mentioned before, I have really crap gag reflex , so it took everything I had to not to gag in her face (hint for fellow crap gaggers, swallow a lot) then came the bit I was dreading, the clean. Its nice when its done but it seems to take forever. She gave me some plastic specs to wear – Just how dirty were my teeth???- and off she went. God I hate it, I felt my entire body tense, come on you can deal with this, how about some breathing exercises? Nope bit difficult when you got a mini Dyson in your mouth. Think about the wedding. Nope, Mini dyson is back and he’s sucking up your tongue. Think about what you’ll write in your blog. Nope bit of dribble going down your chin. Thankfully it wasnt too terrible and I managed to survive so I rewarded myself with a sausage in a roll from the bakers for breakfast, I know I know but I deserved it.