When your comfort doesn’t cut it

I haven’t written for a while, work has been hectic, wedding planning has been stressful and my boyfriend had a bereavement.

I like to think of myself as someone who is good at helping others, if my friends have problems, I am usually one of the people they come to for advise or comfort. Which is why I have found myself in this unusual situation with my boyfriend. He’s one of those types of people who do not want to be comforted, at least not by me and if I am completely honest, I have absolutely no idea how to deal with this situation. Of course, this situation isn’t about me, he is the one who is grieving.I did not know this person very well at all, but I wanted to write about my experience here as it’s not something I have experienced before I and I am finding it quite bewildering and if I am honest, really quite stressful as I want to help and comfort him, but I don’t know how.

For the first time in our 5 years of being together, I genuinely don’t know how to behave around him. Of course I have offered kind words and support, I took some time off work, but got the impression he just wanted to be alone, so I gave him some space, spending the entire time feeling incredibly guilty. When I have spoken to him about it, asking what he would like me to do, he would just say, do what you want to do. What I want to do is to make it all better and to not see him so sad, but I cant do this and it’s so horrible, obviously not as horrible as what as he is going through I know.

I have to say the one thing that has helped immensely is my new-found knowledge of the Laws of Attraction. I think I would have absolutely be back in the Hole if I hadn’t learned about this. I still feel very overwhelmed with everything going on, I’m only 2 months into my job which is very busy and quite pressurised and we get married in 2 weeks (this still hasn’t sunk in) There are still so many little things to do for our wedding, the majority of everything I have already organised, but the last-minute things, which can’t really be done until now, are coming up and I have had to admit to myself that I am struggling to cope with everything, last week I had a complete meltdown at work, luckily my boss is a good friend of mine and knows everything that’s going on.

Usually, if I am feeling like this I can just get it off my chest and move forward but this time I just feel so unbelievably selfish for not being strong enough to deal with the situation, for not knowing the right things to say or do, for not being able to comfort and make my own boyfriend feel better, what sort of girlfriend am I? He’s not massively into communication and likes to keep his feelings to himself so I am trying to respect that.

I feel guilty for talking about the wedding and wanting to feel excited about it. I have photographers etc emailing me with questions and whilst I am dealing with as much as I can on my own, some things do need his input. I have asked if he still wants to get married and he said that he does and that he is looking forward to it.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?


Moody Monday

Last night I made myself some overnight oats, which was actually a great trick as when I tried to have my usual argument with myself this morning about shall I exercise or stay in bed, I had to get up because I had to have my refuel meal. I decided to go up to level 3 on the Joe Wicks DVD, bloody hell, who thought that 5 seconds more could make such a difference? Feeling achey, but all please with myself, I got ready for work and enjoyed my oatsIMG_6489

I was in pretty happy mood for a Monday, work was pretty quiet so I thought I would go online and look for some outfits for my birthday dinner with the boyfriend on Friday. I’m not sure if this was the trigger, as I did find it quite depressing looking at all these slim women and all these lovely dresses and knowing that I was not going to be able to wear any of them but suddenly the black cloud arrived, I had managed to avoid it for the last few days but now it was well and truly here.

By the time I finished work I was a really bad mood and I really didn’t know why!! I felt really fed up, angry & tearful. I wondered if it was a booze comedown from the weekend but I didn’t drink anymore than a normal weekend. I’m already blaming my boyfriend for being moody at the weekend and spending the entire time on the computer with the kids, I worked it out that the entire time the kids were awake and in the house, they were on the computer. Me, I just cleaned up.

I hated feeling like this and havent felt this bad since being on my tablets, it was literally a rollercoaster of emotions, by the time I got home I wanted to cry. To make matters worse, my boyfriend ended up having to work a bit late, which usually I wouldn’t care about and be happy to have the extra time to myself, but today I wanted him home, I don’t even know why as really I just wanted to shout at him for no reason whatsoever.

After being home for about an hour he messaged me to say he was on the train, so I decided to get dinner on the go. Normally I would offer to go and pick him up but I was so pissed off and fed up I decided he could walk for once. Childish I know.

He came home and seemed in a fairly good mood which made me feel a little bit better, we chatted a bit and he asked me how my day was, so I was honest and told him how I was feeling, I left out the part where he was to blame for everything that was wrong with the world, I didn’t think that would help matters. He gave me a big cuddle and we sat and had a nice chilled night together, along with my cheesy meatballs. Heres hoping to a better day tomorrow.IMG_6495

The Body Coach 90 Day SSS Plan – The rest of week 3

So as you know, week three got off to a wobbly start, but I was determined not to be beaten. I woke up on Friday, feeling refreshed and ready to go, I cracked on with a HIIT session and rewarded myself with some yummy pancakes.IMG_6464

They are seriously good, but soooo filling. I was on such a high after exercising I decided to try out the chicken satay for lunch, which was delicious and better than the one I had from the chinese takeaway the other week, but that was rubbish to be fair! You cannot see it in the pic but that contains a whole 120g bag of rocket and it wasnt even enough greens!!IMG_6474

Friday lunch went the usual way, the angel & devil in my head fighting out whether to go out to lunch, then my friend popped over to my desk and without thinking I suggested wine. Oh well. I still managed to go home and cook after meeting the boyfriends parents in the pub where they had taken the kids for dinner, more red wine! I tried out a new recipe, cod with Spicy peas. It was bloody lovely, it doesn’t look much in the picture but it was really tasty, definitely one to have again.IMG_6482

The only problem with knocking back all this red wine is that I felt a bit moody, the boyfriend was being snappy and miserable and I couldn’t cope with it so spent most of the evening sulking.


Woke up the next morning, determined not to carry the misery on, my boyfriend was taking the kids to football and I was to do a HIIT workout, I was trying not to think about it and just get to it. It worked and I felt really good afterwards, I decided to have another go at the spanish omelette.IMG_6481

It tasted so much better this time, not burnt. It was still more of a hash than an omelette but it was lovely. I was meeting my friend for lunch and had arranged to go to Browns so that I could have a sirloin steak and some green veg. The boyfriend was now home and being even more miserable as he didn’t feel well, seriously! I said goodbye to the kids and left the house without saying goodbye to him, that will teach him. I met my friend but we forgot to book a table so that meant a 30 minute wait, which meant, you guessed it red wine, we had a great catch up, I forgot to ask for no chips with my steak and I ate them, dammit. Still I could be good for the rest of the day. I was feeling tired, hormonal so on my way home, I picked up more red wine and planned to sulk until my boyfriend apologised.

This didnt happen as I got home and just wanted to make up, I couldn’t bear the sulking. Unfortunately, the peace didn’t last long and another bicker ensued later on which led me to not have any dinner that night, I still made myself a cashew curry but put it in the fridge to have for lunch Monday & Tuesday. I was so wound up I wasnt really tired and he was like a nodding dog so went up to bed, I stayed downstairs for another 30 mins or so and when I went up he was still awake and said he wanted to wait up for me.

Sunday I woke up feeling a bit better, but not entirely sulk free. I decided to go for an interval run to see if this would help. I got up and made the kids some toast and off I went. Bloody hell, interval running is harder than normal running! I came back covered in sweat but in a slightly better mood. I got showered, made the kids a smoothie each with the help of one in their chef hat and made me and my boyfriend a spanish omelette and left them downstairs playing the computer while I ate my breakfast in relative piece. I came down a while later and decided to clean the kitchen. The kids asked for a milkshake, which the boyfriend agreed to, so I made this and cracked on scrubbing every surface and cleaning the floor to finish off. I kept reminding my boyfriend of the time as they had to be at his parents for dinner at 3pm as they do every other Sunday, then at 2pm he finally decides its time to get ready so off goes to the shower, leaving the kids with no instructions whatsoever. At 2.30pm I tell them to go and get ready as he is still upstairs doing god knows what and I cannot deal with him stomping around in a huff because they’re late. They go upstairs and then it begins, of course they’re not getting ready, they’re doing everything but. However, I am busy cleaning up after everyone and decide that since my boyfriend is upstairs, he can deal with it. After about 15 minutes of him asking them to get ready he comes downstairs and says to me “no more milkshakes” Everything is all my fault of course, perhaps if they hadn’t been on the computer since 8.30am this morning and got ready instead we wouldn’t be having this issue?

By the time they had all left the house, I was done cleaning the kitchen and decided on a cup of tea and a carb killa. Rock n Roll! I binge watched Ex on the Beach and had a lime and avocado smoothie for lunch, feeling very pleased with myself at having exercised and also not killing my boyfriend. I could feel it bubbling up inside me but I was determined not to cause an argument. I decided to do a fake tan and paint my nails to make myself feel better, I wanted to shake this fog. By the time he came home I was in a bit of a better mood I made him some chicken satay and at the last-minute decided I wanted a cheese and mushroom omelette, the evening went on with no sulking and we went to bed fine and dandy.









No kids for me, thanks.


I always thought I wanted children, that’s the role women play, we keep house and we have children. I spent my entire youth fighting this role, yet as I got older it became more appealing. When I married my ex husband at the age of 27, we had previously discussed having children. I said I wanted to be married first, fooling myself, and him, that I was a traditionalist, really I was just putting things off. I didn’t know this at the time, I thought that I genuinely was a traditionalist, I wanted to do things “properly”. I would be the first person on both sides of my family to do this.

After we separated, my “plan” of having 3-4 children seemed to go out the window. It plagued me at times, I ached for what I thought was wanting to be a parent, but now I know it was more about wanting what I couldn’t have.

I had this desperate need to settle down, yet, I didn’t want to grow up. I had missed out on so many years of just being on my own, I loved it. I was independent by nature, yet I had always seemed to get myself into relationships, I wanted to be needed, wanted.

I had friend say to me “Oh you’ll be a great mum” or “I can’t wait for you to be a mum” this used to make me really sad as at the time, I had no boyfriend in sight and I was on the wrong side of 30. The odds were against me and I found it quite a cruel thing to hear, given all my friends knew about how I felt about having children.

After a couple of years of being mostly single, I came around to the idea of no children. A lot of my friends were having children and the idea wasnt really growing on me! I loved my new-found freedom, I couldn’t imagine a life where you couldnt just decide to do something on the spur of the moment, or sleep for a whole night, or think about anyone else but yourself if you didn’t want to. This sounds selfish and its is and precisely the reason I shouldnt have a child.

I didn’t feel natural around babies or children like some people do, I didnt get that warm fuzzy feeling when looking at a baby, I didnt understand being “broody”. When I met my boyfriend, it genuinely didnt bother me that he had children, it surprised me more than anyone. This was how I knew I liked him rather a lot. However, me being in a steady relationship brought on the continuous questions about us starting a family of our own, even from the very beginning. I had been quite comfortable in the fact that I was to be childless, I would have step children and therefore get the best of both worlds, but apparently not, according to other people. This then made me doubt my own mind.

I don’t know why people think its acceptable to comment on people’s family planning, I mean some people are desperately trying to conceive and are unable to, if I find being questioned annoying and upsetting how must these people feel? It’s no ones business and if its something they wish to share they will. It’s not just people without children either, I have friends who have one child and they are constantly being asked when more will come and it really bothers them, some have struggled to cope with their first and dont want to put themselves or their family through it again and some are trying and struggling to conceive and feel like failures.

Here are some of the things I have had people say to me:

You’ll change your mind.

This is my number one most hated thing people say. Like I don’t have a brain in my head and can’t make decisions? I am 35 years old, I think if I was going to change my mind I would have done it by now. Why do I have to change my mind? Are they psychic?

You don’t know tiredness until you have kids.

I don’t want to either. This is one of the reasons why I dont want them, I am the bitch from hell if I dont get my 7 hours. Whereas you chose to have a child and should have been aware that tiredness is part of the little bundle of “joy” so stop complaining.

Who will take care of you when you’re old.

Wow. Is this an actual reason for people having kids? Well lets see, who looks after me now? Oh yeah, me and if I can’t there are places to go and be looked after.

You’ll never know love like it.

Personally, I never want to love anyone more than I love my boyfriend, it’s the most love I have ever felt.I have seen the most closest of couples fall apart as one them is being neglected by their partner as they are so in love with their child. Who’s measuring love anyway? How do they know? Is this another thing that comes becoming a parent? A loveometer?

You are really selfish.

Yes, a family member actually said this to me. It actually really upset me at the time. Surely the most selfish thing I can do is bring an unwanted child into this world? And surely if I am this terrible selfish person, I would be a terrible selfish mother.

It no longer upsets me when I get asked these questions as I am now fully comfortable with my decision and realise I know my own mind better than anyone and there is nothing wrong with not wanting children. Dont get me wrong, I don’t hate children or people with children. I even like some children. My very best friends have children who I adore and I love my stepchildren, it hasn’t always been easy. But I’ll write about that another day.


The invisible girl

Am I being unreasonable?

Last night I had a complete meltdown. As I mentioned before, my boyfriend has children who we have every other weekend. Unless we have planned to do something, they like to spend pretty much the entire weekend playing the computer, which incidentally is in my living room. If it’s not the computer it’s watching football, this leaves me four options:

Join them – sometimes I do sit there reading or just feigning interest just to be party to it but it gets tedious really quickly and too noisy to concentrate on reading

Go out – then I feel guilty that I’m not around if they do decide to do something.

Clean the house – there’s only so much cleaning you can do and as soon as I clean it it’s a mess again.

Go and sit in the bedroom – watch my own TV in my room circa 1995

As you can guess, I’m normally sat for 75% of those weekends in my bedroom, like a 15-year-old. At first I didn’t mind but now it’s kind of become the norm and I’m getting pretty fed up with it.

I addressed this with him last week and he acknowledged what I was saying and agreed that when we decorated their rooms we would put the computer upstairs. Then lo & behold Friday came, we all stepped in the door (straight from work) and I ate my dinner to a Lego marvel game. Fun. I went to bed at 8:30 and I’m pretty sure no one even noticed I’d gone.

I took myself off food shopping on Saturday just for a change of scenery & luckily I had a wedding fair to go to on Sunday. I couldn’t wait until next weekend!! We were going to look at a wedding venue on Saturday & had a party on Saturday night & Sunday I was going to sit in my pyjamas all day and cook nice food & just chill out.

My boyfriend had other ideas, he invited his brother over to watch football. There goes my PJ relax day! I was furious, am I invisible? Is it not my house too? I never invite people over without discussing with him first.

Don’t get me wrong I have no issue with his brother coming round but now I’m going to have to spend another afternoon in my poxy bedroom!! Or sit downstairs all afternoon watching football, when all I really wanted for one day is to just be able to chill out in my own home.

I am so upset, my boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable but I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I feel totally invisible sometimes, like I’m not even there or not even someone to be considered. I know that he’s not doing it on purpose, he hasn’t got a mean bone in his body, but his thoughtlessness really gets to me.

I didn’t help the situation because I’m a very fiery person and if I’m angry that certainly comes across and as soon as that happens his barriers go up and then there is no hope of resolving things.

So that’s where we are now, nothing resolved and he’s behaving as if everything’s fine, I on the other hand, have barely slept and still feel on the verge of tears.

What do I do?

Freaky Dreams!

Last night I had a rather disturbing dream. I dreamt that I was pregnant! In my dream I was shocked but ok with it and more concerned about not being able to drink at a party I was going to. This would not be my reaction in real life, I would be totally freaked out! Babies or not on my agenda anymore, they were once, up until I was around 30 I guess.

As a teenager I had a life plan, get married at 25, have four children and be a stay at home mum, I got married at 27, to the wrong man, I knew that having children with him would be a mistake and we broke up, as did my life plan, which was already 2 years behind schedule. Having never been single since I was 15, I partied hard for a few years, I discovered a side of myself I never knew existed. I experimented, I met lots of new, different people and I felt like for the first time in my life, I was really living. I didn’t even do anything drastic, I just did what I wanted, I had no one to answer to. I had moved back into my parents home after splitting with my ex, which has an adult is always difficult. I resorted to my teenage self, locking myself away in my room when I was at home,  watching crappy american teen dramas and sorting out my iTunes. My dad and I fought a lot as we’re so alike and I’m not sure he appreciated his new party animal daughter, I was always a pretty sensible girl.

After a couple of years I moved into a flat on my own. I had always feared living alone, worried I would be scared and lonely but as I sat there on my first night, with a glass of wine, in my own (rented) living room, I could not have been happier. For the first time in my life, it was just me. Who decides what time I get up? Me, no one to share the bathroom with. Who decides if I can stay out for drinks after work? Me, nothing to rush home for. Who decides who comes over and when? Me, its my home. It was lovely.

I honestly thought be single and living on my own would be a lonely life, but it really wasnt! I realised I had never really been in charge of my life as I was always revolving it around others, which led me to a realisation. Maybe I don’t want children? I have only just found my freedom, having children would take that away from me! Not that I had anything to worry about at the time as I wasnt dating anyone, if anything I was actively avoiding the male species.

A few of my friends starting having children and I would see how the other girls would flock around coo-ing and getting all broody. I just didn’t feel like that. I spent many years thinking that something was wrong with me as a woman to not feel like that, wasnt it a natural thing to love babies? If someone brought a dog in I would melt behave like this, maybe I was a dog in a previous life?

When I met my boyfriend and we became serious, which was pretty quickly, we had the discussion about children, he already has children, so for him, he would happily stop there but he said if I wanted children then he was open to the idea. I still wasnt sure, I loved him, surely I was meant to want children with him? When people asked me if I wanted kids, as people tend to do and its pretty bloody annoying and personal in my opinion, I mean what if you can’t have kids and its devastating you? When I say I’m not sure or I don’t think so, people then decide for me. “Oh you’ll change your mind” Why did you even ask me then? If you knew I was going to eventually want kids? You clearly have all the answers. One friend, every conversation we had, would speak in a patronising tone, “Oh you will, I cant see you not having kids, you’ll be a great mum” No I wont, I am far too selfish, I like my life, I like going on holidays, I like my job, I like drinking, I like doing what I want when I want, oh and I really like going to the bathroom undisturbed, you know all of those things you moan about not having in your life every time I speak to you? Eventually it became clear to me that I really didn’t want children of my own, we have my boyfriends children every other weekend and its lovely, but the way I see it is I get the best of both worlds. I was just worried about one thing, my parents. We’d never really spoken about me having kids, my parents are great they have never made me feel pressurised into doing anything, they have no expectations from my or my siblings, they just want us to be happy & safe, so lord only knows why I got myself into such a state, thinking that I would be letting them down by not providing a grandchild as they only had one. I blame Barry.

One night I was at my parents house having red wine, when I felt like confessing my lack of maternal feelings to them. I steeled myself for the “reassuring” comments about changing my mind and feeling differently in a couple of years but to my surprise they said that they never thought I would have children anyway, they said I had a great life and wouldn’t understand why I would want to change that. My parents were pretty young when I was born, my mum loves children, she works with them and she’s great with my boyfriends kids so I thought she might find it difficult to understand, but she does. So after that I don’t worry about it anymore, I dont explain myself to people when they are horrified that I am to be a childless wench for all eternity and “will never know love like it” What I will have is the love for my soon to be husband, I dont want to love anybody else as much as I love him.

So after the brief confusion of wondering what this dream meant, which I looked up on Dreammoods (I do this quite a lot) dreaming about being pregnant apparently means:

To dream that you are pregnant symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

Well how about that then!