The Ora Experience so far….

As you know from my last blog post, I recently had my first session of a new therapy a friend of mine has started. So much has happened since I had this therapy I just had to write about it, also I am hoping this should cover some of the homework (Tanya?)

I came away from the first session with a whole new sensation in my body, the only way I can think to describe it is like a bubbling, to the point of bursting with a mixture of excitement and a real positive feeling, it’s a bit like when you’ve bought someone a gift and you know they are going to love it, an excited anticipation.

The first noticeable thing that happened, was the day after my first session. I woke up all snuggled in bed feeling what can only be described as content. I thought to myself, “I could really do with a couple more days off and start the new job on Monday” I got up, made some tea and tended to the boyfriend, who had come down with a deadly bout of man flu (a cold). A while later I got a text message from my friend who I was going to work with saying that they made need to delay my start date due to the snow and people not being able to get in. Blimey, I’d only thought about this this morning, the snow hadn’t even been bad the day before.

I spent my day writing and doing little odd jobs, I felt full of enthusiasm and with the principles I’d been given to try out in mind, I found I was noticing quite quickly if I was about to judge, I found myself, rather than focusing on someones dodgy hairstyle or dress sense on TV, finding something positive and actually vocalising it “I like her nail colour” for example. I instantly felt better, this was weird.

My friend text me that afternoon to confirm that my new start date was to be on Monday, well this was going well, I had been reading one of the books Tanya had told me to read and in that it said that you should not doubt things and believe that everything is coincidence, so I thought, you know what, I wanted this and that’s why it’s happened.

The ultimate test came later that evening, when my sainsburys shopping delivery was cancelled 45 minutes after it was due to be delivered. I had no bread in the house and the food I’d planned to have for dinner was in the delivery. My immediate reaction would usually be to be annoyed and throw a hissy fit, but I didn’t, I felt oddly calm. We had food in the cupboards and if need be I could put my wellies on and walk up the shops and get some bread, bread wasnt the centre of the universe anyway (wine is). I picked up my phone, went online and emailed Sainsburys and arranged for the next available slot, which was Friday morning. I noticed that the delivery charge for this slot was £5 more, so I just emailed sainsburys and asked for them to refund the difference. Sorted, along with a dominoes pizza order which is definitely not on the slimming world plan! Oops. But still, I didnt complain, I didnt even get upset (alright the pizza might have helped) I just did something I never ever do. I took it in my stride! ME, I’ve never even taken my stride in my stride before!! Not without worrying about it first.

The following day, the boyfriends man flu had dissipated (slightly) and he went back to work. I was supposed to be having the first of my hen do’s the following day, it was just a small group of us for a couple of people who couldn’t make the main one, it was in London and I thought to myself, I don’t really fancy trekking all the way into London tomorrow. When the original plans had been made I was going to have been at work so it wouldn’t have been far for me to travel at all, but I really wanted to take this time off to relax, I had a really busy week last week and would have another busy week next week.

Later that day one of the girls messaged me saying she may not make it because she may have difficulty travelling in, but to go ahead without her. I said we should wait and see what the weather is saying as we may all have problems getting there. Could this really be another thing I have “manifested”?

Sainsburys also called me to confirm they had refunded the extra money on my delivery, lovely thank you very much.

I was also feeling guilty about my dominoes binge the night before so I decided I must do better today, I had already got up and completed a HIIT session that morning and that had really set me up for the day. The only way I could describe my current mindset is “At peace” Now for those of you that have read my other blogs, you will know I’m much more in pieces than at peace! So this was a very welcome first.

I went to bed that night with a few scoops of (low-calorie) salted caramel ice cream (delish by the way) and a smile on my face. Oh and something else happened, I love to be stroked (pretty sure I was a dog in a former life) I am always pestering my boyfriend to stroke my arm, face, hair whatever, to the point where he now refers to me as a strokeponce. He never EVER does this unless it’s requested, so imagine my surprise as I am in bed reading (the latest Rachel Abbott novel if anyones interested, it’s really good!) he started stroking my hair!!! At first I was like WTAF? But then I just gave a little smile to my strokeponce self and said nothing, if I did he might stop!!

I woke up the following morning feeling groggy, it would appear I have contracted the man flu from my boyfriend, (I was a bit bunged up and headachey, not falling out of my bed muttering about funeral plans as some people do – no names mentioned) I did my 3 things to be grateful for in my head, as I had been each morning since my session and came downstairs to make myself a cup of tea.

The sainsburys shopping arrived later that morning, Hurrah, I was looking forward to having a sausage and egg sandwich. I thanked the delivery girl for being out in this weather, which I realised afterwards I genuinely meant, I really was grateful that she had delivered my food. I put the (low-fat) sausages in the oven (sainsburys reduced fat are yum by the way) whilst I unpacked the rest of my shopping, hang on, where’s the bread?? How am I going to have a sandwich? Dammit it wasnt on the receipt, I was certain I had ordered it! I messaged the boyfriend and ask if he could pick some up on his way home and I said I would have to have a bagel instead, I was just about to complain to him how bad bagels were on Slimming World (11 syns for those of you wondering) when I stopped myself, instead of complaining, what could I have instead? So I ended up with rather delicious half english breakfast, as I like to call it. Oven cooked sausages, grilled bacon, scrambled egg & mushrooms, much better than a sausage sandwich indeed and much more slimming world friendly.

The post arrived and there was what looked like a card addressed to me, odd, someones a month early for my birthday? When I opened it it was a good luck card from my best friend, I was genuinely touched, I actually felt really thankful and it was a lovely feeling, I popped the card up and sent her a message saying thank you and that it was a nice surprise. I opened the other letter addressed to me, from my bank. They are going to reduce my overdraft by £700 on April 2nd. I’ve had these letters before, this happens regularly and even though I know the process it still stresses me out, makes me angry and I usually have a bit of an internal melt down. Not today, I read the letter calmly, decided I would give them a call later to arrange to pay this off monthly, which is how it usually worked, and I would give it no more thought. Who am I?

Then I got a message from my friend, his girlfriend just had their first baby and he wanted to do something nice for mother’s day for her. This is my idea of heaven, I love finding nice things for people to do and helping them buy gifts, if this was an actual job I would be the best at this! I sent over some ideas, which he loved and again felt a lovely warm feeling inside, grateful that my friend came to me and happy that I could help.

Saturday morning I woke up and feeling like I was diluted, it was our weekend to have the kids and because of the weather the boyfriend agreed to pick them up on Saturday morning. I woke up feeling groggy, having had a few glasses of red wine the night before, I was so busy thinking about how rubbish I was feeling I totally forgot to do my gratitude first thing, oops. The kids arrived and brought the usual noise into my peaceful house, I started to feel resentful as I made myself a cup of tea, there was mess everywhere already and the sofa was taken over as they fired up the Playstation, leaving me with nowhere to sit, I was desperately trying to not to feel negative as I wanted to avoid any negative emotions so I came upstairs and re-read the principles that had been given to me as part of the therapy, this helped me to gain some perspective and I did some tidying up upstairs. I find this helps clear my mind sometimes and can help distract me from my thoughts. I wasn’t enjoying this feeling, I missed that fizzy excitement of the last few days and was scrabbling around trying to get it back somehow…maybe some food would help, now we had some bread in the house, maybe it was time for that much coveted sausage & egg sandwich…..This feeling was like a cloud, I could almost feel it and I didnt want it, my friend had given me some sage to burn (I’ll write about this another time) and I was really tempted to eat it or smoke the bloody thing if it would rid me of this negative feeling. I picked up my laptop to update this blog and this is where I am right now, on my bed, typing away, waiting for my sausages to cook, with yet another cup of tea trying to sum up some positivity.

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Slimming World, Hormones & Me

As you have probably gathered from my previous posts, I am now doing Slimming World. I won’t refer to it as a diet, as in actual fact, I’m not being deprived of any food (or alcohol – and I think we can all agree I like a drink or 10)

For those of you not familiar with Slimming World, here is the basic concept. All lean meat, most fish & seafood, fruit & vegetables are what is known as free food, you can have as much of this as you like, this also includes potatoes, pasta & eggs. Yes you read that correctly, as my Mum often said when she was giving me her slimming world sales pitch “you can eat a whole bag of potatoes if you like” but it’s true (although I’m yet to try it) then you have what is known as healthy extras one list is made up of certain dairy products (milk & cheese) and the other is fibre (bread, crackers, cereals) you are to have one from each list per day. Then all other food is given a “syn” value for example a large glass of my much beloved Sauvignon blanc is 11.5 syns. When you sign up to Slimming world, you are given a daily syn allowance, mine for example is 12-15 per day. When you sign up you have access to an online portal where you can find the syn value of most food brands and restaurants and there is also a calculator for anything else. So I can, if I want, still have a large glass of wine every day if I like! Hurrah!

So I’m back on the slimming world wagon (after a 4 week Christmas break) I have lost 3.5lb in 2 weeks, in this time I’ve drank (too much) wine, been to an Indian restaurant (and ate with abandon) celebrated 2 children’s birthdays and not done any extra exercise (I walk 30 mins to Work and 30 mins home which I’ve always done) so I’m pretty much in love with the Slimming World concept right now.

I am not, however, loving my hormones. Sunday night I started to feel, well weird, like I’d had too much caffeine but fed up with it, jittery misery is the only way to describe it. I took Monday off of work as I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for people, this was a mistake as staying home watching Jeremy Kyle only made me more miserable and I was out of my routine. I was now blaming the crateload of prosecco I’d consumed over the weekend. Back to work tomorrow!

Tuesday morning was met with a Moany man banging on about my alarm being snoozed too much and waking him up (he had to get up anyway) I just wasn’t in the mood for his misery so I cried about it when he got in the shower, silently ranting at his cruelty of daring to tell me off when I am feeling so sensitive (like he knew about it)

Wednesday at work was uneventful but I still wasn’t feeling myself, whilst driving home from the station I attempted parking my car on my drive and hit the fence taking half of the back of my car off whilst my boyfriend stood and watched from the doorstep with his hand over his mouth, I just left the car abandoned across the drive, threw him the keys shouting “YOU DO IT!!” I stomped upstairs put my pyjamas on and cried for a bit. Fucking fence.

Its my (blog) birthday

Today marks a year since I wrote my first blog here. Yay!

A lot has happened since then, diet & exercise regimes have come and gone along with a couple of “friends” but the most notable thing is my mental health.

This time last year I was on anti depressants wondering if I would ever be able to come off them, then I did and spent quite a bit of time thinking should I go back on them and finally, now I feel in a good place. I feel the most positive and happy me since god knows when. I am managing to stick to my resolutions/goals and am slowly learning how to actually look after myself without feeling selfish and its bloody great.

I am starting to feel like I am getting my act together, I have a nice little routine in place at the beginning of each week I make a meal plan and order my shopping in, I put a plan to exercise in for a few mornings per week, although I don’t stress about this too much as I do walk for 3 miles as part of my commute to work, I’ve set up reminders on my phone for silly things like to remember to take my lunch or vitamins (these are the things that really annoy me when I forgot as they are so little! But one forgotten lunch can equal a cheeseburger if I’m not careful!) Having a routine, for me, is a huge factor. Dont get me wrong, I like to be spontaneous every now and again, but just the fact that I have an idea of what is going on in my life, such as what I am going to dinner, is somewhat comforting. So tonight, I shall celebrate my blog birthday by going home and getting in my PJs, making a syn free cottage pie and if I am feeling really wild, I might have a muller light after. I can’t wait!!!

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone!

I have to say, at the risk of sounding like a complete killjoy, I am glad it’s all over.

I am not going to write about the things I thought I was going to write about, such as how I have gone from being Mrs Christmas to Scrooge, or how I keep having very bizarre, vivid dreams. Nope, I am going to wipe the slate clean and look forward, instead of back.

So I admit it, I am one of those New Year, New Me people this year. I have set my goals for the year so I thought I would share them with you.

  1. Lose weight. Oh yes, everybodys favourite! Since meeting my boyfriend I have put on over 2 stone and it really gets to me. This year however, I have a huge incentive. I’m getting married!! Although I have ordered my dress and it looks lovely as I am now, I am not happy with the way I am. I don’t want to go out as much anymore as I never feel nice in my clothes and I hate shopping as it is but the awful feeling of trying stuff on and it’s too tight or just looks horrible does not help my mental state at all. I have been doing slimming world, where I lost 8lb but then have put half back on after having a few weeks off at Christmas, but I am confident that I can shift some serious weight, without starving myself, in fact I eat more now than ever!
  2. Get Fit. This actually has nothing to do with weight loss, this has more to do with my general health. My joints are aching and I don’t seem to bounce back from illnesses like I used to and once again exercise is good for the mind. The plan is to try to exercise 3 times a week and I would like to mix it up a bit by doing some running, HIIT sessions and even giving yoga a go. This is all in my diary to start next week, I prefer exercising in the mornings as if I wait until I come home I wont do it! If I feel like starting this week I will, I just didn’t want to put any pressure on myself to do everything New Years Day.
  3. Write more. I really do enjoy writing, often I will be somewhere and have the urge to write but am not always able to so I want to try to  make more time for this as I find it really therapeutic. Again I have scheduled some time in my diary for this, I am starting with one lunch time per week and can build it from there, so you should expect to see more of me.
  4. Have more me time. I learned a really good word last year. That word is “NO” It took me a long time to get used to saying that to people, I would feel guilty and end up spending time and money I didn’t have to spend. This year is going to be more about doing the things I want to do and less of the things I don’t want. It’s certainly not going to be easy but I know it will be worth it. I noticed that when I had a lot of things going on, my stress levels would go up and I would be a mess, then once it was all over the anxiety would arrive. More diary time, I’ve scheduled every other Wednesday as my boyfriend plays football on Wednesday nights and every other Sunday when he takes the kids to his parents for the afternoon. This gives me time alone to do whatever I want to.
  5. Be less anxious/stressed. I am hoping that the combination of all of these goals will really help with this one. I am finding that if I get stressed it goes from 0-100 it affects my sleep, my relationships, everything. The same with the anxiety. For this my plan is to do all of the above plus perhaps slip a bit of meditation into my routine, this can easily be done on my commute to work

I know it seems like I have put a lot of things on my to do list and in my diary but I am very much a routine person and once its in there I don’t even think about it. I have told myself I am not going to be too rigid, there are going to be occasions when I simply cannot do it all, but the aim of the game is small baby steps, if I find that something isn’t working, I’ll change it, just as long as I try.

I like to use tools and apps for everything too. For the weight loss I am a member Slimming World and got a lovely organiser for Christmas to help with this from Princess Planning I also set up my own Instagram account purely for my weight loss and that really helps, plus I don’t bore all my friends with my food pics as they go on there.

I downloaded the You App to my phone which gives you little daily tasks to do, I love stuff like this and there is no pressure to do them it’s just a nice idea.

I also downloaded an app called reflectly which is like a micro journal, it asks you a couple of questions at the end of each day, such as things you are grateful for and how you rate the day.

I also have a couple of books to fill in. I bought 52 lists last year and kept forgetting to do it so now I have a reminder for Sunday morning to take some time each week to complete my list.

And finally, the last thing I do before I go to bed each night is to complete my one line a day diary which my life coach friend bought for Xmas. I love it and already started it last  night.

So those are my goals for the coming year, what are yours?

 

Needlessly Needy

After a very busy summer, autumn is upon us. There have been weddings, holidays, a witch (crazy ex girlfriend) weekend trips and another leg injury. I have also decided to join slimming world as I was unfortunately finding the 90 day plan unsustainable, I love Joe but it just wasnt working for me. Slimming world however has seen me lose 5lb in 4 weeks, although I did put 2lb back on after a little trip to paris, but that’s a given.

As the shorter days and darker nights are creeping in, so is something else, my insecurities. I am becoming increasingly insecure and needy and I absolutely bloody despise it, which doesn’t really help me feel any better about myself, it just gets added to the long list of “things I don’t like about me”

Take this weekend for example, my boyfriend went on his annual golf trip, he’s been every year since before we met and I was actually looking forward to having the house to myself. I had arranged for some friends to come over on the Friday night and see some friends for lunch on Saturday, giving me Saturday afternoon/evening and all day and night Sunday. This turned out to be a huge mistake.

I was fine until Sunday, for some reason I kept crying, I honestly couldn’t tell you why, what I can tell you is that I really just wanted my boyfriend, I mean how ridiculous is that? I am 36 years old, I’m a grown woman, yet here I am crying on the sofa trying to fathom out why, which then made me cry even more. As the day went on I managed to calm myself a bit and do some of the things I had planned to do (make a slimming world cheesecake for one!) then the cry baby in me came back again, then all of a sudden out of nowhere, a nice bit of paranoia just to mix up a bit. “Yeah he’s probably met someone else” Oh FFS brain. Do one.

When he did eventually get home just after midnight, I was emotionally exhausted, but couldn’t sleep. I gave him a big hug then told him I had missed him, then cried (again) I told him what had happened, although I gave him the very basic, light version, so as he didn’t know just how mental I really am.

I woke up today, thinking I would feel better, but sadly I don’t. I feel like I am needing some sort of reassurance, but I dont really know what for or why. I feel unbelievably sad, like just someone speaking to me in an off tone might make me cry and of course none of this is helped by the fact that I am tired as I went to bed so late.

I know I need to sort this out but my brain is so consumed with worry and sadness I can’t think straight. When did I go from being this independent, outgoing woman to this needy insecure wretch that doesn’t want to do anything anymore?

I did do some reading on this and read a lot about how relying on others to make you happy often brings unhappiness. I am hugely guilty of this, I am the type of person who thinks people think how I think, so when someone is thoughtless, even unintentional, it really bloody hurts my feelings. If for example, my boyfriend has had a bad day, I will make him something nice for dinner, give him control of the TV and just generally look after him. If I have had a bad day, the above still happens for my boyfriend, not for me. I know I need to realise that not everyone thinks like me, he may not even want me to do those things, he probably would just rather I sodded off upstairs and left him alone, but the truth is I do these things because that’s what I would like if I was feeling like that and therefore I am setting myself up for a fall as god dammit he doesn’t think like me.

So now, I am resolving to try my best and put myself first and not feel guilty about it, the guilt is another battle in itself but I do feel there may be some truth in it, how can I expect others to put me first when I am not deeming myself important enough?

So wish me luck people and I’ll let you know how that cheesecake is.

Cycle One, Round Two

I haven’t been on here for a while, what with a busy calendar, the last month or so has been a bit of a blur, which sadly hindered my 90 day plan further.

As you have probably already seen, since starting the plan back in March, I have torn a calf muscle, had the flu and several colds, had a birthday, had a weekend away,  come off of my anti depressants, had my best friends hen do, had my brothers wedding and then my best friends hen weekend.

I just couldn’t get a hold of it and felt something was always getting in my way. I bodged my way through cycle two, just, then got my cycle three plan only to decide that I want to start the whole thing again and this time I’m going to really give it my all. I finally have my mojo back after all this time and more importantly, I feel ready. Pretty sure having one month until my best friends wedding is also helping too.

I’ve got my life coach friend onto the books so its nice to have someone to obsess about the plan with. We also went along and helped Joe Wicks break the world record last week. I must admit I was swaying towards the idea of doing some drastic low calorie diet for the next 30 days, but going there and seeing almost 4000 people do one of Joes HIIT workouts really did inspire me to start the whole thing again.

I’ve decided that this time, I am going to avoid drinking alcohol as much as possible, which for me is going to be pretty difficult, given already this week I have a lunch and two dinners I’m going out for, but I have reserved the right restaurants where I know I can eat on plan and I am really going to try and avoid drinking alcohol in the week. I realise now I could have done so much more last time round which makes me more determined as I can clearly see my mistakes.

I got up at 5am this morning, did a 20 minute HIIT sessions from Joes DVD, made myself some protein breakfast muffins and my lunch and I am feeling pretty good.

So here goes round two of cycle one. Wish me luck.

The end of Cycle One – Finally!

I’ve finally finished cycle one of the 90 day SSS plan! Hurrah. It was a looooong road as I had to pretty much start it all over again because of injury then illness but I’m so pleased I finished it.

I could have done better but the second time round I was beginning to get bored with eating the same stuff, it would have been fine for 30 days but not after 50 odd.

I’ll admit that the week before I was thinking of jacking it all in until after my holiday which is in 6 weeks, I wasn’t feeling any different, why wasn’t I a size 8 yet?

I was due to submit on Friday but having come down with another virus (I’ve ordered some vitamins!!) I decided to submit a couple of days early in case I was still ill come Friday, it’s Saturday now and I’m actually feeling worse, so good job really.

I went down and got on the scales. I weigh in stones & pounds but you submit in Kg, I originally thought I had only lost 1 pound but when I converted it was actually 3 pounds, then I measured,  4 inches off all over. Bring on the tears! I’m not sure what I was expecting given I was still drinking a lot at weekends and had had a fair few takeaways, I think I was more disappointed with myself than the results as I know I could have done better and had I not got an injury & had to start over my results would most certainly been better.

I asked my boyfriend to take pictures, I felt really self-conscious, even though he sees me naked all the time, after seeing my weight & inches it just made me feel horrible. Obviously I hated the pictures, you submit your front, side & back, looking at them I could just see fat me.

Then something amazing happened, I looked at the two pictures together, before & after cycle 1. I had a waist again! I could see some actual significant change in my body shape. Hooray! Then I had another thought, if that change could happen in that time when I was really only giving it 70%, imagine what can happen on Cycles 2 & 3 if I put more effort in!!

At last I have my mojo back! I’ve missed this feeling so much. Cycle 2 arrived on Thursday morning so I spent a while reading it. It’s so different to cycle 1 & there is much more freedom when it comes to food and more carbs!

You exercise 4 times a week it’s HIIT & weights so the exercise is longer but not by much and you get to have 3 carb meals per day on training days YESSSSSS! Rest days are the same as on cycle one.

For food you are given some recipes for both training & rest days but you are encouraged to create your own & are given a guide of how much of which foods to have, on training days it’s meat, veg, spices, sauces & carbs, on rest days carbs are replaced by fats. The snacks differ from training & rest days too.

Luckily being holed up on my sofa gave me plenty of time to work out some recipes, I found the best way was to use joes cook books, there’s also a page on Facebook called mydietburble that gives recipe ideas which is really useful.

So I am really excited to start, I’m going to start with a rest day tomorrow, just in case I’m still ill and do my first training day on Monday.

So here are my tips for cycle one.

  • Plan ahead for each week, I found that working out my training days and my meals for the week ahead helped keep me focused.
  • Batch cook if you can, I was doubling up on dinners so I could have them for lunch or dinner later in the week, it saves lots of time.
  • Join groups on social media. The support there is amazing, everyone is going through the same struggles and even just reading some people’s success stories can keep you going when you need it.
  • Buy Carb killas for snacks if you have a sweet tooth, they’re amazing and you’re allowed 2 per week.
  • If like me you hate plain yoghurt, buy some flavour drops from my protein, I saved my yoghurt from some recipes and had as a dessert with toffee flavour drops or added a strawberry flavour drop to my protein shake was a game changer! 
  • Don’t weigh or measure yourself until the end of each 30 days. This is one thing I did actually stick to but I see so many people on the groups becoming anxious as they’re not seeing the change that they want, someone in one of the groups posted this which helps explain why this happens
  • And finally, trust in the plan. It isn’t this successful for no reason you may want to give up at times, but stick with it. I am yet to come across someone who has finished the 90 days and said they’ve seen no change.

Bring on cycle two!!!

The uninvited Chimp

So I have spent the last few days feeling really sorry for myself. My mojo is creeping back but that little negative voice in my head aka Barry, is back for a visit and I didn’t bloody invite him.

I have my first ever cold sore, which I am convinced everyone is staring at. I can feel it growing like its its own person, I shall name him Colin if this carries on much longer.

I don’t feel like I have lost any weight or inches coming to the end of cycle one, even though I have still drank a fair amount of booze and had a few takeaways so probably shouldnt be surprised. This is making me panic as I have a hen do, a wedding and a girls weekend away coming up in about 6 weeks and everything I wear makes me look like a bound up piece of meat

Meat

I havent slept very well for the last few nights which I think is making my head whirl, it’s just constant chatter in my head: “Dont forget to….” “What if …. happens?” “Why did …. do/say that?” and the very popular “Why isnt ….. replying to my message?” Oh its been such fun! My boyfriend is then talking about going out for a few drinks after work, which my initial (internal) reaction was not very good. “Is he going to come home late? Is he going to be ok? I something going to happen? I mean he only said he might go out!? I he even going??”

Then I realised that Barry the Bastard isn’t in charge of me anymore! I went against him and messaged my friend and felt instantly better, then started thinking about what I was going to watch on TV, what I was going to make myself for dinner, house to myself YAY!!!! Screw you Barry!! You’re certainly not invited to sit on the sofa with me and watch 13 reasons why, you and Colin can eff right off.

 

Pop goes the muscle

Last Friday was my birthday weekend, my boyfriend always takes me out for a surprise dinner & I was really looking forward to it. I had lunch with a friend and managed to stay on plan, I also bought loads of cakes and treats into work and didn’t touch a thing. I was so in the zone.

We went to a nice rooftop bar for some drinks and then headed off to the restaurant. We were waiting to cross the road and I went to run across and I felt a sickening pop in my calf. Oh the pain! Ouuuuuch! I managed to hobble to the restaurant hoping to walk it off. I got some ice from the waiter and LOTS of wine to try & dull the pain.

The dinner was amazing, he took me to Smiths in Wapping which I love and it’s very romantic AND I managed to eat healthy. Sadly the wine didn’t work as I’d hoped and rather than go on for drinks after it was a taxi home.

I’d planned to have a rest day on Saturday anyway, which was lucky as I could barely walk. I was feeling fed up and slightly panicking as I was due to finish cycle one later that week. I caved in and got an Indian takeaway for dinner and resolved to get back to healthy the following day. I did this but still couldn’t walk so I had to cancel a meeting with the florist.

The following day was my birthday & I’d taken the day off work and planned to have lunch with my best friend. She had to pick me up as I was worried about driving, I looked like a right idiot hobbling up the road. I allowed myself a chicken carbonarra from Prezzo as that’s my fave. When I got home, I felt pretty sorry for myself, in anticipation of the pity party I was about to have, I had bought some bakewell tarts and some prosecco. This wasnt the birthday I had in mind, I should be shopping, drinking, anything but sitting on my sofa trying to muster up the effort to make the 5 hour trip to the kitchen to get myself a coke zero. I wanted to see if I could drive so I offered to pick my boyfriend up from the station as a test, which I passed thank god. By the time my boyfriend got home from work, I had eaten the whole packet of bakewell tarts and  was ready to crack open the prosecco. Fuck it, may as well get a bloody chinese.

The following day I had a doctor’s appointment, I am finally going to come off the anti-depressants! Not a great start to the day tho as I struggled to bring a basket of dirty laundry from upstairs (I normally just throw it down) that got me in tears, then a packet of sesame seeds had fallen out of the cupboard which sent me hysterical, anyone would have thought something horrific had happened in my life the way I was carrying on. I went to the doctors and didn’t tell him about my meltdown, I think it was more due to cabin fever than anything else, plus my frustration about having to stop the plan. He told me I had “probably” torn a calf muscle as there was now a nice green bruise on the back of my leg. I need to rest it and recovery can take 4-6 weeks. Thanks doc, so exactly what I read on the internet then. I picked up the last of my pills (hopefully) and drove home, all the way craving chip shop chips, which of course I got along with a pie. Once you start this bloody junk eating its hard to stop.

I decided to attempt to get to work on Wednesday, I had dinner planned with a friend and I really didn’t want to cancel for a 3rd time. I walk pretty fast all the time, my walk to the train station usually takes me about 20 minutes and its all uphill, today it took forever, but at least I got a seat, the walk from the station to my office is around 10 minutes. It took me about an extra 25 minutes to get into work and I was exhausted, my good leg was aching and I felt like a right twat hobbling around the office, but it was nice to be out and about. My lovely work, showered me with some lovely gifts for my birthday and I met my friend for dinner so the pain was worth it.

I tried to keep myself moving, which I now realise this was a mistake as when I woke up on Thursday, my leg was throbbing, I messaged my boss and told him I was going to stay at home and rest it. I had my birthday drinks planned for Friday and I wasn’t bloody going to cancel that. So I settled down for the day with reality TV & cake.

Friday! Birthday drinks and also a friend at works 40th birthday. My leg felt better that yesterday I was going to get up early and get in and decorate her desk. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes as Wednesday so I decided I would catch a bus, then a tube, then a bus, this would mean a lot less walking. So I thought. The bus journey to the tube station takes around 45 minutes usually but this morning the bus was making good time, I started thinking to myself that maybe the bus would be the way forward for the summer months. About 5 minutes after having this thought, people started getting off the bus, we weren’t even at a stop, we were at traffic lights, why is everyone getting off? They’ve only gone and closed the road! Traffic wasnt even moving. I sat there for another 5 minutes or so and the bus was practically empty now. Dammit, I’m going to have to get off and do the 15 minute walk, which will take me at least 20, so off I hobbled. Luckily a tube arrived straight away and I got a seat. Yay!

Got off the tube and checked my app to see when the next bus would arrive. 19 Minutes. 19 Minutes!! It will take me that to walk to the office, sod it, so off I hobbled again only for the bus to overtake me. I honestly thought I was going to cry. I managed to get on a bus eventually but rather than get in early to decorate my friends desk, I actually got in late and my 1 hour journey took over 2 hours. Never again!! Tonight I get drunk!

Moody Monday

Last night I made myself some overnight oats, which was actually a great trick as when I tried to have my usual argument with myself this morning about shall I exercise or stay in bed, I had to get up because I had to have my refuel meal. I decided to go up to level 3 on the Joe Wicks DVD, bloody hell, who thought that 5 seconds more could make such a difference? Feeling achey, but all please with myself, I got ready for work and enjoyed my oatsIMG_6489

I was in pretty happy mood for a Monday, work was pretty quiet so I thought I would go online and look for some outfits for my birthday dinner with the boyfriend on Friday. I’m not sure if this was the trigger, as I did find it quite depressing looking at all these slim women and all these lovely dresses and knowing that I was not going to be able to wear any of them but suddenly the black cloud arrived, I had managed to avoid it for the last few days but now it was well and truly here.

By the time I finished work I was a really bad mood and I really didn’t know why!! I felt really fed up, angry & tearful. I wondered if it was a booze comedown from the weekend but I didn’t drink anymore than a normal weekend. I’m already blaming my boyfriend for being moody at the weekend and spending the entire time on the computer with the kids, I worked it out that the entire time the kids were awake and in the house, they were on the computer. Me, I just cleaned up.

I hated feeling like this and havent felt this bad since being on my tablets, it was literally a rollercoaster of emotions, by the time I got home I wanted to cry. To make matters worse, my boyfriend ended up having to work a bit late, which usually I wouldn’t care about and be happy to have the extra time to myself, but today I wanted him home, I don’t even know why as really I just wanted to shout at him for no reason whatsoever.

After being home for about an hour he messaged me to say he was on the train, so I decided to get dinner on the go. Normally I would offer to go and pick him up but I was so pissed off and fed up I decided he could walk for once. Childish I know.

He came home and seemed in a fairly good mood which made me feel a little bit better, we chatted a bit and he asked me how my day was, so I was honest and told him how I was feeling, I left out the part where he was to blame for everything that was wrong with the world, I didn’t think that would help matters. He gave me a big cuddle and we sat and had a nice chilled night together, along with my cheesy meatballs. Heres hoping to a better day tomorrow.IMG_6495