Honeymoan

I haven’t been on here for a while, since I last wrote, I gained a husband (Yay) but, I have lost my mojo (boo) I’ve decided to write about everything to see if that will help me figure this all out.

The week before the wedding was extremely stressful, not only was there a wedding to plan, but there was a funeral to attend 3 days before. I was at a complete loss on what to do for my husband as this had affected him quite badly, but he just went into himself and didn’t seem to want to be around me. I tried to just get on with the last of the wedding plans but I was at my wit’s end with worry about him, resulting in neither of us sleeping and then I came down with a sickness bug the week before then wedding, 2 days of this then turned into a full-blown cold. I honestly think I got through those last days on adrenaline alone!

His ex girlfriend was also back to her old tricks of using the children as weapons, threatening that they would not attend the wedding as she wanted more money, quite disgusting really considering she knew that my husband was grieving, I knew she could stoop low, but really?

Our wedding day was beautiful, it was scorching hot and the only downside that was that I sniffed and coughed my way through my vows, but other than that, the day was perfect.

We flew out a few days later for our 2 week honeymoon, I had been so looking forward to this, maybe this could help ease the stresses of the last month or so? Wrong. My husband was not miraculously over his grieving and I was still full of cold, it was a beautiful paradise, yet we were both exhausted and somewhat subdued. I stupidly allowed myself to look at all the other honeymooners and began to compare us against them and made myself quite miserable. I had hoped we would be leaving all our troubles behind, but of course, there are only so many things you can escape, grief and illness not being one of them. It wasnt all doom and gloom and we did enjoy ourselves, but I felt as if we were both slightly distracted, I had probably over romanticized it in my head and once I got over the disappointment of it not being how I imagined, I began to feel guilty and quite annoyed, I’m not even sure who or what with if I am honest.

When we returned, I was still feeling pretty fed up, I put it down to wedding/honeymoon blues and just sucked it up. I was sure once I got back to work I would get back into the swing of things. I arranged lots of lunches/dinners with friends so that I had things to look forward to, I had to literally drag myself out of bed each morning to go to work. At the end of the first week I was feeling worse, I was tearful and erratic and I spent pretty much the entire Saturday in my bed, even eating my meals there. Monday & Tuesday I had panic attacks and I was pretty fed up with feeling like this. It’s such a vicious circle of anger, fear, paranoia and worst of all guilt, I can’t bear the guilt, of thinking how my behaviour is affecting others, the guilt then leads right back around to fear and the whole merry-go-round continues. I’m very lucky to have friends who I can speak to and who keep me going with positive helpful messages. I can talk to my husband, but I think when I do I am feeling one of many emotions and usually to do with him so I either talk in anger, which never comes across great or I stay silent out of guilt or fear.

I spoke to my husband about what I should do and we agreed, as much as anti-depressant helped me before, I really would like to see if I can deal with this myself. So I gave myself 3 weeks to see how I go and last week I ordered myself a Laws of Attraction planner from Amazon, I had Wednesday night at home alone to read through and complete. The Laws of Attraction therapy had worked so well for me, I just need to pick things up again and hopefully I would perk up. Once I had ordered the planner, I started to feel better, I guess it’s because I was taking some action rather than sitting moping around (like I was before writing this blog)

It arrived on Wednesday, it was huge, I couldn’t wait to get it home and filled in. I got it home and realised I probably wasnt going to get this done in one evening, not if I was going to complete it properly, but that was fine, if its going to help me then I am happy to take my time, after all one of my goals is to be more patient. Of course I will be doing a review of this for you all once I’m into the swing of things.

I have been fairly busy over the weekend, but did manage to get quite a bit of the planner filled in, but still have a fair bit to go before I am ready to complete the daily inputs, which are the bits that will really help, also I havent been doing my gratitude EVERY day, like I should be, so it’s no surprise that I am back to feeling crappy and low. After some google searching, I also now have the other concern that I could potentially be experiencing early menopause. I know, I know, you shouldnt google your symptoms, but I did and they aren’t dissimilar to depression, so if it hasn’t calmed down in the next couple of weeks, that is something else I will be speaking to my doctor about.

Surprisingly, or not. I actually do feel better for stopping my moping and writing this, maybe now I will pick up my planner and get some more of that done!

Advertisements

When your comfort doesn’t cut it

I haven’t written for a while, work has been hectic, wedding planning has been stressful and my boyfriend had a bereavement.

I like to think of myself as someone who is good at helping others, if my friends have problems, I am usually one of the people they come to for advise or comfort. Which is why I have found myself in this unusual situation with my boyfriend. He’s one of those types of people who do not want to be comforted, at least not by me and if I am completely honest, I have absolutely no idea how to deal with this situation. Of course, this situation isn’t about me, he is the one who is grieving.I did not know this person very well at all, but I wanted to write about my experience here as it’s not something I have experienced before I and I am finding it quite bewildering and if I am honest, really quite stressful as I want to help and comfort him, but I don’t know how.

For the first time in our 5 years of being together, I genuinely don’t know how to behave around him. Of course I have offered kind words and support, I took some time off work, but got the impression he just wanted to be alone, so I gave him some space, spending the entire time feeling incredibly guilty. When I have spoken to him about it, asking what he would like me to do, he would just say, do what you want to do. What I want to do is to make it all better and to not see him so sad, but I cant do this and it’s so horrible, obviously not as horrible as what as he is going through I know.

I have to say the one thing that has helped immensely is my new-found knowledge of the Laws of Attraction. I think I would have absolutely be back in the Hole if I hadn’t learned about this. I still feel very overwhelmed with everything going on, I’m only 2 months into my job which is very busy and quite pressurised and we get married in 2 weeks (this still hasn’t sunk in) There are still so many little things to do for our wedding, the majority of everything I have already organised, but the last-minute things, which can’t really be done until now, are coming up and I have had to admit to myself that I am struggling to cope with everything, last week I had a complete meltdown at work, luckily my boss is a good friend of mine and knows everything that’s going on.

Usually, if I am feeling like this I can just get it off my chest and move forward but this time I just feel so unbelievably selfish for not being strong enough to deal with the situation, for not knowing the right things to say or do, for not being able to comfort and make my own boyfriend feel better, what sort of girlfriend am I? He’s not massively into communication and likes to keep his feelings to himself so I am trying to respect that.

I feel guilty for talking about the wedding and wanting to feel excited about it. I have photographers etc emailing me with questions and whilst I am dealing with as much as I can on my own, some things do need his input. I have asked if he still wants to get married and he said that he does and that he is looking forward to it.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?