The Hole

I haven’t been on here for a while, a combination of wedding stuff, work and being generally fed up. I recently had a conversation with my boyfriend about depression and the only way I could describe it is like this.

There is this hole, it’s always there, most days I’m sitting on the edge of the hole with my legs dangled in, the whole point of every single day is to not fall into it and it’s not as easy and you would think. Some days I am in the hole with my arms trying to hold myself up, these days are quite exhausting and I have to fight so hard not to fall, I get into a panic because I really don’t want to be in the hole. Other days I am dancing around the hole and some days I can barely see it, but its always there. Then, there is the inevitable day when my arms give up and I fall in, these are the worst days, there is no ladder in the hole, I know I will eventually get out but my mind is so clouded in panic or sadness that it seems impossible, nothing is good when I’m in the hole, it’s so dark I cannot see any light and I just want to curl up and stay there forever as sometimes trying to get out is just too hard.

I found having this conversation with him has really helped, he seems to understand more. I was walking to work the other day after a particularly sad stint in the hole and I had one arm out of it, I was struggling to find anything positive to think or feel when he sent me a text, just asking how I am feeling and telling me he loved me. It was like something yanking me straight out of the hole and up on my feet, I felt instantly lighter.

Dont get me wrong, I’m fully aware that this may not work all the time and sometimes it doesn’t matter what people say or do, sometimes you’re too far in the hole to notice but just because you’re in the hole it doesnt mean it’s forever, even though it feels like it at the time.

What really helps is someone knowing about the hole, so that when you are in it they can pop their head in and remind you that you’re not alone.

Now I have got to grips with this hole analogy, it does make things a little easier. I can address it and gauge where I am in the hole, I am being mindful I suppose. It’s not going to go away but I can hopefully shorten my time in the hole and maybe eventually stop falling in.

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