No kids for me, thanks.

 

I always thought I wanted to have children.

Despite the fact that when I was growing up, I fought against the traditional role that women back then usually had, cooking meals, keeping house and having children. I never understood why men seemed to rule the world when us women were actually so good at everything.

Then, as I got older, this “traditional role” somehow became more appealing. When I married my ex husband at the age of 27, we had previously discussed having children. I so badly wanted a family of my own, I thought if I couldn’t have children, my life would have no purpose.

When we separated, my dream of having children seemed like it was almost impossible. It would plague me at times, I ached for what I thought was wanting to be a parent. I felt this desperate need to settle down, that time was passing me by. But having constantly been in long term relationships since I was 16, I had missed out on so many years of just being on my own, finding out who I was and not who I was when I was in a relationship. I had always been independent by nature, yet I had always seemed to get myself into relationships, something in me wanted to be needed and wanted.

A friend kept saying things like “Oh you’ll be a great mum” or “I can’t wait for you to be a mum” this used to make me really sad as at the time, I had no boyfriend in sight and I was on the wrong side of 30. The odds were against me and I found it quite a cruel thing to hear, given that everyone knew about how I felt about having children and my fear that it would never happen.

After a couple of years of being mostly single, I absolutely loved my life. I had made peace with the idea of no children. A lot of my friends were having children and the idea wasn’t really growing on me! I loved my new-found freedom, I couldn’t imagine a life where you couldn’t just decide to do something on the spur of the moment, or sleep for a whole night, or think about anyone else but yourself if you didn’t want to.

I realised that my need for a child, had come from one thing and one thing only. Loneliness. I had felt so alone in my marriage, I wanted a child to fill the hole in my heart, I wanted to be loved and someone to love.

I didn’t feel natural around babies or children like some people do. I didn’t get that warm fuzzy feeling when looking at a baby, I didn’t understand being “broody” and my womb certainly didn’t flutter. If I am honest, I didn’t really even like children, with the exception of those that were family or friends.

When I met my boyfriend, it genuinely didn’t bother me that he had children, it surprised me more than anyone. This was how I knew I liked him rather a lot. However, me being in a steady relationship brought back the continuous questions about us starting a family of our own, even from the very beginning. I had been quite comfortable in the fact that I was to be childless, I would have step children and therefore get the best of both worlds, but apparently not, according to other people. This then made me doubt my own mind.

I don’t know why people think its acceptable to comment on people’s family planning. I mean some people are desperately trying to conceive and are unable to, if I find being questioned annoying and upsetting so how must those unable to have children feel? It’s really no ones business. If its something couples wish to share they will.

It’s not just people without children either, I have friends who have one child who are constantly being asked when more will come and it really bothers them. Some people may struggle to cope with their first child, they could have had a traumatic birth or experience and have chosen not to put themselves or their families through it again, some could be trying and struggling to conceive and some might just want one, because IT’S THEIR F*CKING LIVES.

Here are some of the things I have had people say to me:

You’ll change your mind.

This is my number one most hated thing people say. Like I don’t have a brain in my head and can’t make decisions for myself? Your experience, is not my experience. Why will I/should I change my mind? What if the choice is not mine to make?

You don’t know tiredness until you have kids.

Ummmm. I don’t want to either. This is one of the reasons why I don’t want them, I am the bitch from hell if I don’t get my 7 hours. Whereas you chose to have a child and should have been aware that tiredness is part of the little bundle of “joy” so stop complaining. It’s also not a competition of who can be the most tired, there is no award for this.

Who will take care of you when you’re old.

Wow. Is this an actual reason for people having kids? Well lets see, who looks after me now? Oh yeah, me. I would never want to be a burden to anyone anyway. Plus, with my unhealthy lifestyle, who’s to say I will live that long!

You’ll never know love like it.

Personally, I never want to love anyone more than I love my boyfriend, it’s the most love I have ever felt. I have seen the most closest of couples fall apart as one them is being neglected by their partner as they are so in love with their child. Who’s measuring love anyway? How do they know? Is this another thing that comes becoming a parent? A love-o-meter?

You are really selfish.

Yes, a family member actually said this to me. It actually really upset me at the time. Surely the most selfish thing I can do is bring an unwanted child into this world? Should I do this just to shut everyone up, so they can then ask me when I am having another and then bitch about how much of terrible selfish mother I am?

It no longer upsets me when I get asked these questions. I am now fully comfortable with my decision and realise that I know my own mind better than anyone.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting children.