My new bucket list

I do love a list. I actually bought a book last year called The 52 list Project, which I haven’t got round to using, I have an app on my phone for my shopping list, I even have a list of things I want to write about. I think its stems from my mum, she always wrote a to do list of the housework etc and its such a great satisfaction to cross things off. Back in 2009, I decided to write a bucket list of things I wanted to do before I was 30 which I came across recently, I realised that I had actually crossed quite a few off, not necessarily before I was 30 but still. Some of them I looked at and wondered why they were on there in the first place . I’ve broke it down into sections below:

  1. Things I have managed to cross off the list.
  2. Things I still want to do.
  3. Things I have removed off the list
  4. New things to add to the list.

1. Been there, done that.

  • Go to a football match
  • Go to Paris
  • Learn to shoot
  • Go camping
  • Go on a gondola in Venice
  • Visit the Grand Canyon
  • Eat in Dans le Noir
  • Try oysters
  • Run a marathon
  • Go to New York

2. Still to do.

  • Write a book
  • Go on the orient express
  • Become financially stable
  • Go to Australia & New Zealand
  • Go on an Alaskan cruise
  • See the Rocky Mountains
  • Go in a hot air balloon
  •  Go on Safari
  • Become financially stable
  • Learn to make cocktails properly
  • See the Northern Lights
  • Whale watch
  • Learn to use chopsticks
  • Family Tree
  • Go to Lapland on the huskies
  • Visit Disneyland Florida
  • Go to Cornwall
  • Learn to ski
  • Ride on a tandem bike
  • Fly a kite
  • Learn to draw.
  • Drive around America

3. What was I thinking…

  • Learn to ride a horse – I’m not sure why this was on there, I rode a horse in Mexico once (called Machete) and I honestly thought I was going to die that day. Maybe I was feeling brave the day I wrote this list.
  • Go for Regression – I’ve heard a few horror stories about this, not sure I quite fancy it now.

4. New things added

  • See the Great Wall of china
  • Stay in a cottage near the Lake District with an open fire
  • Fly somewhere in First Class
  • Learn to play the piano

I am planning to write this this down and cross try to achieve one thing each year.

Whats on your bucket list?

Motivated Monday

Well that weekend went pretty quickly, but I have news. We have set our wedding date. Hurrah!

We went to view a venue on Saturday and it was perfect, my boyfriend wanted a bit of a longer engagement but I don’t want to wait too long, so we finally agreed on next May.

Not only does this mean LOTS of planning, although we’re keeping it pretty simple, it also means lots of weight loss is required.

I realised, after reading a few people’s reviews on lean in 15, that people had weighed & measured themselves at the beginning & end of the 3 month plan. Dammit! I had stayed away from the sad step since well before Christmas, when I realised I had put on 2 stone in the last 3 years.

I got up at 5:30am this morning to get ready and after trying to put it off for about 10 minutes by tidying up random things in the kitchen, I reluctantly pulled the scales out and crept on. 5lbs I have put on 5lbs!! My heart sank. I then got out the tape measure, yep, measurements were more too. F*ck.

I had boozed all weekend and yesterday I had a cheat day, which was unnecessary, I was just being lazy, I wasn’t hungover. My attitude needs to change, the food I enjoy, I love the cooking and enjoy trying out new recipes. My downfall this weekend was lack of organisation, which was down to one thing. Yep, you guessed it. Booze.

I was supposed to go food shopping on Friday evening but I opted to go to a quick glass of wine after work, which left me feeling tired & not wanting to go. I resolved to go on Saturday after viewing the venue, then I had a couple of glasses of wine with lunch and was in no mood to face the Saturday crowds, which left Sunday which I didn’t even entertain the idea of, I was looking forward to a PJ day, nothing was getting in the way of that.

So here I am on a Monday morning, slightly traumatised by the number on the scale, but rather than doing my usual and reaching for the cake,  I have a new resolve, especially with our wedding finally booked. I made some scrambled eggs for breakfast and decided that I am going to look at paying for the 90 day SSS plan when I get paid in Feb, I think I need the support!!!

Communication Calamity

Today is a new day. Thank God.

After yesterday’s post, a good of friend gave me her honest opinion of the situation with my boyfriend and I realised that he is not totally to blame and I am certainly not blameless.

One of my best skills at work is communication, I have to deal with a lot of different people and always get good feedback on my communication skills. I also like to think I’m good at this with friends as well, I’m good at staying in touch with people and rarely fall out with people, so why am I so terrible at it in my relationship?

After yesterday barely speaking all day I was still frustrated and angry. I had plans to meet a friend for dinner and he was playing football. I wasn’t planning on drinking as I wanted to be healthy and also because I was so annoyed, but this was also the reason that I wanted to drink. I wanted to get away from the angry tearful feeling, so I went to lunch with a friend and had a couple of glasses of red. Ooh that felt better. Mistake No. 1

Mistake No. 2 came later when I decided to continue with the ridiculous idea to have share more wine with my friend, I thought I was ok.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I got home just before my boyfriend, it wasn’t even late, I kicked off. I’ll be completely honest with you, it was a blur, I couldn’t tell you half the things I said, what I do know is they were said in anger, I was in a rage I have not felt for a long time, it was most definately not a welcome feeling, this was the thing I had battled so hard to get rid of, why had it come back!!! Eff Off!!!!

I don’t know if anyone has ever had this, but its like being possessed, its a rage so great your whole body feels tense and you things come out of your mouth that you’re not even thinking, or at least you were not aware you are. Its a horrible feeling and an even more horrible thing for someone else to be on the receiving end of. It ended with me in a heap on the floor in uncontrollable tears, apologising to my poor boyfriend.

I cannot describe how ashamed and upset I am about all of this. I feel like I have failed, not only myself but him as well. I was doing so so well.

After a good nights sleep and then finally having a conversation with me explaining myself properly and not raising my voice (I don’t even realise I am doing this half the time) I feel like we have progressed slightly. My friend had read yesterdays blog and messaged me a very long message, which I am so grateful for, she was completely honest and didn’t try to sugarcoat anything and it was just what I needed. I realised as I was replying to her message, that if I could just have explained all this to my boyfriend the way I was explaining to her, then none of this would have happened! So that’s exactly what I did, I sent him a long message, explaining myself, clearly and in a friendly non-accusing, non-aggressive way, pointing out that I was now aware that I clearly have trouble communicating with him and that I would work on this and also that I would make more effort at the weekends when we have the children and not just go off in a sulk. I also said that I hadn’t been feeling myself over the last week and that perhaps it was the after effects of the alcohol.

So, to sum up, alcohol is now going to be kept to a minimum and for nights out and absolutely not when I am in a crappy frame of mind. More effort to be made to communicate better and involve myself more at weekends with the children.

I’m going to sleep bloody well tonight!

The invisible girl

Am I being unreasonable?

Last night I had a complete meltdown. As I mentioned before, my boyfriend has children who we have every other weekend. Unless we have planned to do something, they like to spend pretty much the entire weekend playing the computer, which incidentally is in my living room. If it’s not the computer it’s watching football, this leaves me four options:

Join them – sometimes I do sit there reading or just feigning interest just to be party to it but it gets tedious really quickly and too noisy to concentrate on reading

Go out – then I feel guilty that I’m not around if they do decide to do something.

Clean the house – there’s only so much cleaning you can do and as soon as I clean it it’s a mess again.

Go and sit in the bedroom – watch my own TV in my room circa 1995

As you can guess, I’m normally sat for 75% of those weekends in my bedroom, like a 15-year-old. At first I didn’t mind but now it’s kind of become the norm and I’m getting pretty fed up with it.

I addressed this with him last week and he acknowledged what I was saying and agreed that when we decorated their rooms we would put the computer upstairs. Then lo & behold Friday came, we all stepped in the door (straight from work) and I ate my dinner to a Lego marvel game. Fun. I went to bed at 8:30 and I’m pretty sure no one even noticed I’d gone.

I took myself off food shopping on Saturday just for a change of scenery & luckily I had a wedding fair to go to on Sunday. I couldn’t wait until next weekend!! We were going to look at a wedding venue on Saturday & had a party on Saturday night & Sunday I was going to sit in my pyjamas all day and cook nice food & just chill out.

My boyfriend had other ideas, he invited his brother over to watch football. There goes my PJ relax day! I was furious, am I invisible? Is it not my house too? I never invite people over without discussing with him first.

Don’t get me wrong I have no issue with his brother coming round but now I’m going to have to spend another afternoon in my poxy bedroom!! Or sit downstairs all afternoon watching football, when all I really wanted for one day is to just be able to chill out in my own home.

I am so upset, my boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable but I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I feel totally invisible sometimes, like I’m not even there or not even someone to be considered. I know that he’s not doing it on purpose, he hasn’t got a mean bone in his body, but his thoughtlessness really gets to me.

I didn’t help the situation because I’m a very fiery person and if I’m angry that certainly comes across and as soon as that happens his barriers go up and then there is no hope of resolving things.

So that’s where we are now, nothing resolved and he’s behaving as if everything’s fine, I on the other hand, have barely slept and still feel on the verge of tears.

What do I do?

My lean in 15 progress

I am so relieved that Moany Monday is over, it didn’t really get any better until I got home.

I had to do the trek to get my car, which involved a train journey so slow I’m sure I could have walked quicker, at one point it sat for 10 minutes just outside the station I needed to get off at and I had no phone signal to call my taxi driver to let him know, I felt like summoning my inner hulk and tearing the doors apart.

Then, what should have been a 5 minute cab journey (which I would have walked but the car was in a pub car park in the middle of nowhere) took 25 minutes. I was sorely tempted to go straight in the pub and order myself a bottle of wine. I didn’t, I got in my car and drove home, cursing any driver that got in my way.

But enough of that, as I said moany Monday is over and I have woken up with a much more positive outlook, much to my boyfriends delight, I’m not sure he could handle another day of it.

I woke up at 5:30 this morning with the headache that’s been haunting me on and off since Saturday, yesterday I took to the internet to self diagnose, I do love a bit of self diagnosis. Apart from the obvious brain tumour, I found something interesting and what could actually be the cause, lack of Sugar and/or carbs. My “old” diet was heavy in both, I’d have both in the same meal if possible, twice and although I’m not a fan of microwave meals, sometimes life (or my disorganisation) demanded them, that or a takeaway, both of which I’m told, are high in sugar and potentially carbs.

How is this fair? Your body should really punish you with headaches when you eat sugar and it can only be soothed by eating broccoli. I get it though, well now I do. Every time previously when I’ve tried to be healthy, I’ve started to feel unwell, so I have been convinced that my body defeats medical science & I actually need booze & burgers rather than good wholesome food, turns out I was wrong.

The reason I know this is because after only just 2 weeks of (mostly) following the lean in 15 I have felt bloody amazing, I’ve not only felt better physically, but mentally, especially mentally, I noticed even more when I did eat something processed or sugary and ESPECIALLY when I drank alcohol. To me all this is worth a couple of headaches, it’s just my body throwing a tantrum because it can’t have sweets, just like a child.

Now I know that I keep harping on about the leanin15 plan but I am enjoying it so much! I have learnt more about food just reading the first chapters of his books, than I have in my entire life, it’s actually readable, interesting and most importantly it makes sense. The key to it is being organised, I plan my week out, in a very handy health planner that my OCD friend bought me, I decide when its more convenient for me to exercise and then plan my meals around this, then I shop for the week so that everything is there ready to be made, it also gives you a bit of lee way if for example you get stuck at work on a Tuesday and don’t have time to exercise as planned, you then just swap that to another day, along with the meal, it really is as easy as that.

Then you have the exercises, which is why I got up at 5.30 this morning, it’s not because it takes long, it’s because I hate rushing around, I need to exercise, shower, drink my hot water with lemon whilst watching GMB, make my lunch, get ready and have my breakfast, all whilst not feeling like I am running late.

I have been doing the training in shown in the first book, but there are lots online. The cardio Hiit  takes 15 mins, you will be sweating pretty quickly but then before you know it, it’s over. The resistance hiit takes 30 minutes and you will need some hand weights, I bought a set of three for about £20 and I have just gone up a weight, yay me! Even with this, you still work up a sweat but because of the intervals, it feels like no time at all.

So there you have it, although I fell off the wagon slightly last week but I found it easy to jump back on and more to the point, I actually wanted to.

Moany Monday

Monday is back and I’m pretty sure it’s punishing me for being naughty over the weekend.

Firstly I woke up thinking it was Sunday, then quickly realised it was Monday & I had left my car at the pub yesterday after lunch with my friend. It seemed like such a good idea at the time, but now, in the cold light of day, I realised I would have to faff about on a Monday night going to pick it up.

I went to make my lunch (chicken with chipotle paste & salad for those if you who are interested, I am now quite addicted to chipotle paste) whilst doing this I dropped pretty much everything I picked up and banged every part of my body on some cupboard or drawer.

I took my bruised body upstairs with my hot water and lemon, careful not to trip and pour it over myself, I switched on the TV, ready to watch Good Morning Britain – I find Piers Morgan strangely entertaining (I know) – only to find the sky Q mini box wasn’t connecting (again) I had already reset the bloody thing twice in the last week! After 10 minutes of me switching off plugs upstairs and downstairs, stomping around, that was finally sorted (I also managed to call Sky all the names under the sun, none of them flattering)

I took my photos of my body, as I had decided to start cycle one again and you do this instead of weighing yourself. Dammit! I still looked fat. I think I was expecting to see some difference/miracle but realistically that’s not going to happen, after all I had consumed half of oddbins this weekend!

I went to put my dress on for work and i heard a loud rip. ARRRRGGGHHHHH I’d ripped my bloody dress trying to squeeze my bum in. I was trying very hard not to throw a tantrum or shout at my boyfriend for absolutely no reason as if this was somehow his fault. I changed into a more, loose-fitting dress and then made my way to board the (delayed) train, but on the plus side I did get a seat.

I’m really trying to be positive but I think that’s causing my headache. The thing I am most annoyed about is me. I am annoyed with myself for drinking too much, even though I am now fully aware it makes me miserable the following day. Ok so I don’t get a hangover in the sense of feeling sick or ill, but I do get the boozy blues. Its become more apparent since I have been doing the lean in 15. All this fresh food and healthy eating left me feeling great, almost high. I miss it.

The final binge

After wobbling on the wagon on Friday, yesterday I came completely off and got run over by it. 

I started off so well, according to the regime, I should have reduced carbs until after I had exercised. Having not done a food shop since the following weekend, I didn’t have many options, so I settled for 5 slices of Bernard Matthews turkey breast & a rather brown banana, which was actually surprisingly filling. My boyfriend was out taking one of the children to football so I begged him to get some eggs so that I didn’t succumb to another sausage roll from the bakers, which is what they were all having. 

He returned with the much sought after eggs but I was so preoccupied with making sure I had everything I needed on my shopping list that I forgot to have lunch & set off to Sainsbury’s lunchless. 

By the time I got halfway round my head was pounding and I felt really weak. I just wanted to get out of there, but I needed to go to Argos to pick up the weights & bench I had ordered for cycle two of the regime. Which were pretty tricky to get in the car, typically some random Sainsbury’s worker decided to ask me if I was ok & needed help, just as I’d slid the bench into place on the back seat, then telling me I shouldn’t have done it that way. Yeah thanks mate! 

By the time I got home it felt like someone was trying push through my forehead, I was tired & I was irritable. I didn’t want eggs, I wanted cheese on toast & a glass of wine, I settled for cheese on toast & a cup of tea as it was only 3:30, I wasn’t concerned about drinking at this hour, I was concerned about running out of wine. 

I didn’t actually enjoy the cheese on toast if I’m honest and wish I’d have made myself a smoky omelette. I still felt ropey so I took a couple of tablets and went for a lie down to binge watch “finding carter” I decided that I couldn’t be bothered to cook myself a healthy dinner and would indulge in the fortnightly tradition in our house of having an Indian takeaway. Then it came to me, I’ve been pretty rubbish with booze & food over the last couple of days, what I need is what I call the “final binge” it’s the day before you start a new healthy eating regime and you basically have all the things you want, for example today, I am going to a wedding fair & then for lunch with one of my bridesmaids. I can have a full blown roast AND a naughty dessert and whatever else takes my fancy.

Trouble is, that all seemed well and good last night, but as I am writing this, I’m thinking about how I’ve been feeling the last couple of days when I haven’t stuck to it and I’m not sure if the final binge is actually worth it? Booze is bad! 

Wobbling on the Wagon

The dentist has a lot to answer for. Not only was it a traumatising situation, it also led me to fall off my health wagon. As you know, I treated myself to a sausage baguette yesterday (maybe I said roll before, lets just call it a “baton”) The fun didnt stop there, I had an omelette for lunch, as per the #leanin15 cookbook, then went onto five pieces of fudge, four jaffa cakes and several ritz crackers. This episode of bingeing exhausted me and I fell asleep, whilst watching a B horror movie. I then woke up just before the boyfriend got home, cooked him pork chops with creamy greens (and a secret side of mash potato, whcih I wasnt supposed to have. Sleeping is apparently not cardio)  A while later I have sucumbed to several heaped teaspoons of Nutella, this was not going well.

I felt groggy and sluggish, this must be all the wine I drank the previous night, damn those grapes!!! I am now avoiding wine. 14 hours later, I meet a friend for lunch and ordered a bottle of sav blanc. I did however, avoid the Jalapeno cheeseburger, whcih I love, and went for the chicken superfood salad, yes, I ordered a salad, I am no longer dodging them, just occasionally sidestepping them.

Now although I hadn’t eaten a single carbohaydraye, I had drank pretty much a bottle of wine in my lunch hour (and half) and with no Jalapeno burger to soak it up, things weren’t as they should be.

I passed out in bed at 8pm and woke up at 6am this morning feeling fed up with a small eruption of spots on my jawline. Why did I booze yesterday? What was the point? I lve been feeling so good on the regime and now I feel crappy & groggy, but I’m not going to let this drag me down. I’m going to get myself out of bed and get myself a hot water & lemon and see what I can get myself for a healthy breakfast.

Two days of Terror

I had to face a rather big fear of mine today. The dreaded dentist.

I haven’t been for five years, I know shocking right. Obviously no one actually likes going to the dentist, but I have an irrational fear that makes me avoid it altogether. The last time I went it, one of my back teeth had broken, I didn’t go then, I went a few months later when it started becoming unbearably painful, I had to have root canal. During the procedure I flinched and ended up swallowing some weird orange stuff they were using and it ended up coming out of my nose for the rest of the day, it was vile and I felt very sorry for myself. This being my last memory of visiting the dentist, I am sure you can understand why I had avoided it.

I have unintentionally given myself two days of terror as yesterday I had to go for a smear test, which is never pleasant, especially since the last 2 years the results have come back positive and I have had to go to hospitals for a biopsy. Thankfully, both times they have come back clear.

I broke up these “fun” visits by going to see my best friend last night, she cooked me a nice healthy dinner still sticking to my regime, although perhaps sharing 3 bottles of red wine isnt. Oops. I left the car there and got a taxi home, convinced that because the driver was avoiding the main roads, that he was going to kidnap me, this led me to send several bizarre drunken message to my boyfriend, telling him to track me on find your friends. I don’t even remember getting in! Luckily I don’t get hangovers but I did feel rather tired and groggy this morning and its put the plan for the day out of sorts, I didn’t do my Cardio Hiit this morning, I havent had my green tea (to blast my belly fat) and I didn’t have the right breakfast. But I am back on in it now, I’ll do my Cardio on Saturday and make myself a nice carb lunch instead and just make sure I am good for the rest of the day.

I got an appointment at the same time as my boyfriend, that way if there was anything too traumatising he would be there to deal with my meltdown, plus there was less chance of me backing out, which I definitely thought about. The dentist was lovely and introduced herself as she settled me in the chair of doom. She took a look at my teeth, nothing wrong with them (Yay) she wanted to take some x-rays as I was a new patient. She put these little weird square things on a stick and put them in my mouth. Now as I have mentioned before, I have really crap gag reflex , so it took everything I had to not to gag in her face (hint for fellow crap gaggers, swallow a lot) then came the bit I was dreading, the clean. Its nice when its done but it seems to take forever. She gave me some plastic specs to wear – Just how dirty were my teeth???- and off she went. God I hate it, I felt my entire body tense, come on you can deal with this, how about some breathing exercises? Nope bit difficult when you got a mini Dyson in your mouth. Think about the wedding. Nope, Mini dyson is back and he’s sucking up your tongue. Think about what you’ll write in your blog. Nope bit of dribble going down your chin. Thankfully it wasnt too terrible and I managed to survive so I rewarded myself with a sausage in a roll from the bakers for breakfast, I know I know but I deserved it.

Freaky Dreams!

Last night I had a rather disturbing dream. I dreamt that I was pregnant! In my dream I was shocked but ok with it and more concerned about not being able to drink at a party I was going to. This would not be my reaction in real life, I would be totally freaked out! Babies or not on my agenda anymore, they were once, up until I was around 30 I guess.

As a teenager I had a life plan, get married at 25, have four children and be a stay at home mum, I got married at 27, to the wrong man, I knew that having children with him would be a mistake and we broke up, as did my life plan, which was already 2 years behind schedule. Having never been single since I was 15, I partied hard for a few years, I discovered a side of myself I never knew existed. I experimented, I met lots of new, different people and I felt like for the first time in my life, I was really living. I didn’t even do anything drastic, I just did what I wanted, I had no one to answer to. I had moved back into my parents home after splitting with my ex, which has an adult is always difficult. I resorted to my teenage self, locking myself away in my room when I was at home,  watching crappy american teen dramas and sorting out my iTunes. My dad and I fought a lot as we’re so alike and I’m not sure he appreciated his new party animal daughter, I was always a pretty sensible girl.

After a couple of years I moved into a flat on my own. I had always feared living alone, worried I would be scared and lonely but as I sat there on my first night, with a glass of wine, in my own (rented) living room, I could not have been happier. For the first time in my life, it was just me. Who decides what time I get up? Me, no one to share the bathroom with. Who decides if I can stay out for drinks after work? Me, nothing to rush home for. Who decides who comes over and when? Me, its my home. It was lovely.

I honestly thought be single and living on my own would be a lonely life, but it really wasnt! I realised I had never really been in charge of my life as I was always revolving it around others, which led me to a realisation. Maybe I don’t want children? I have only just found my freedom, having children would take that away from me! Not that I had anything to worry about at the time as I wasnt dating anyone, if anything I was actively avoiding the male species.

A few of my friends starting having children and I would see how the other girls would flock around coo-ing and getting all broody. I just didn’t feel like that. I spent many years thinking that something was wrong with me as a woman to not feel like that, wasnt it a natural thing to love babies? If someone brought a dog in I would melt behave like this, maybe I was a dog in a previous life?

When I met my boyfriend and we became serious, which was pretty quickly, we had the discussion about children, he already has children, so for him, he would happily stop there but he said if I wanted children then he was open to the idea. I still wasnt sure, I loved him, surely I was meant to want children with him? When people asked me if I wanted kids, as people tend to do and its pretty bloody annoying and personal in my opinion, I mean what if you can’t have kids and its devastating you? When I say I’m not sure or I don’t think so, people then decide for me. “Oh you’ll change your mind” Why did you even ask me then? If you knew I was going to eventually want kids? You clearly have all the answers. One friend, every conversation we had, would speak in a patronising tone, “Oh you will, I cant see you not having kids, you’ll be a great mum” No I wont, I am far too selfish, I like my life, I like going on holidays, I like my job, I like drinking, I like doing what I want when I want, oh and I really like going to the bathroom undisturbed, you know all of those things you moan about not having in your life every time I speak to you? Eventually it became clear to me that I really didn’t want children of my own, we have my boyfriends children every other weekend and its lovely, but the way I see it is I get the best of both worlds. I was just worried about one thing, my parents. We’d never really spoken about me having kids, my parents are great they have never made me feel pressurised into doing anything, they have no expectations from my or my siblings, they just want us to be happy & safe, so lord only knows why I got myself into such a state, thinking that I would be letting them down by not providing a grandchild as they only had one. I blame Barry.

One night I was at my parents house having red wine, when I felt like confessing my lack of maternal feelings to them. I steeled myself for the “reassuring” comments about changing my mind and feeling differently in a couple of years but to my surprise they said that they never thought I would have children anyway, they said I had a great life and wouldn’t understand why I would want to change that. My parents were pretty young when I was born, my mum loves children, she works with them and she’s great with my boyfriends kids so I thought she might find it difficult to understand, but she does. So after that I don’t worry about it anymore, I dont explain myself to people when they are horrified that I am to be a childless wench for all eternity and “will never know love like it” What I will have is the love for my soon to be husband, I dont want to love anybody else as much as I love him.

So after the brief confusion of wondering what this dream meant, which I looked up on Dreammoods (I do this quite a lot) dreaming about being pregnant apparently means:

To dream that you are pregnant symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

Well how about that then!