Picking it up and not putting it off

Hi Everyone,

Its been a while, I’m not really sure where the time has gone, but I have been up to quite a bit, mostly revolving around self-care. As you will have gathered from my last blog post, I was spiralling back down the hole at rapid speed, after a few weeks of crying, moping and generally feeling sorry for myself I decided to take my life back. The first thing I did is booked in to see a counsellor. I have written previously about my CBT therapy, which I found somewhat helpful and my counselling sessions, maybe not so helpful. I decided that given my previous counselling sessions didn’t go so well as I didnt really gel with the counsellor, I decided to give it another go after a particularly bad weekend. I went onto the BACP website (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) and decided to look for a counsellor near my office, the website shows pictures so I changed the search to my area and came across one woman whose picture I felt quite drawn to, sent her an email and jumped on the train to London to meet a friend for lunch. On my way home I had a response from her giving her price details, which were reasonable and saying she had an appointment available the following day at 2pm, this was meant to be.

The following morning, still feeling particularly tearful and down, I bit the bullet and booked a doctor’s appointment for the following week, I had conceded I may just need to go back on anti depressants, this would give me two counselling sessions in between so if I started to feel better I could always cancel.

I was anxious about my first session, although to be honest I was anxious about everything lately, but as soon as my counsellor, who I shall refer to as “D”, I was instantly relaxed, she has a very calming way about her. As soon as I sat down I just started blabbering, only stopping when she asked questions, I got quite tearful, but it felt so good to just unload without being judged. I came away feeling a little lighter and quite exhausted, I knew that things weren’t going to change overnight (even though, me being the most impatient woman in the world wants them changed NOW!)

I am very lucky to have quite a few friends who are into self-care and after speaking to one of them, they recommended an herbal tablet called 5-HTP, once of things its supposed to do is boost your serotonin. So off I popped to Holland & Barratt to pick some up, I was willing to try anything. I started taking these on the same day as my second session with D. This time there were a few more questions and it was really insightful, I cried (obvs) but after just two sessions, random things started making sense, nothing groundbreaking, she’s not a miracle worker after all, but I got more out of those two sessions than I did in all my other sessions put together.

Two days later, I had my doctor’s appointment. The doctor was very kind and I expressed my concerns about going back on the tablets, I wanted to rule out any other possibilities, such as early menopause, so he arranged for me to have a blood test later that week. I also mentioned the herbal tablets (which he’d never heard of) and said I wanted to see how I got on with those.

The blood test results came back the following week, I have some inflammation, so I need to go for another one in a few weeks time, but he didn’t seem concerned, I explained that I felt a bit better on the herbal tablets, so would leave going on the anti depressants for now. I had another session with D, where I managed not to cry yay me! But sadly she is on holiday for the whole of August so I will see her again in September. After seeing her I felt a lot better so we agreed I would see how I went and if I wanted to go back I would just book in. Well of course a few days later I started having mini meltdowns again. Nothing major but just loads of little things such as parking tickets and silly arguments with my mum and just random stuff happening, I cried to my husband one day saying I just feel like I am being tested, for what I don’t know.

I am determined to not be dragged back into this hole, some days are good, some are ok and others are unbearable but I have to keep going as I know this will not last forever and things will get better so I am currently taking the following steps:

• Messaging my life coach friend each night with 3 things I am grateful for.
• Completing my LOA planner – I finally filled in all the prep work required and started using it properly on 31st July.
• Filling in my 5 year diary each night
• Making weekly meal plans and getting back on the Slimming World Wagon, I am utterly convinced that losing a substantial amount of weight will go a long way towards easing my depression as I wont feel so down about myself

Some days I breeze through and do all of the above and enjoy it and others I struggle to lift up my head, but sometimes just forcing myself to do one of the above, spurs me on to do the next and before you know it I’ve done them, enjoyed them (after putting them off) and feel better just because I have that sense of achievement, even if its small sense of achievement, it’s better than sitting there thinking “I am such a failure because I didn’t do that today”

Today for example, I sat down and wrote this blog, despite putting it off all day 🙂

 

 

 

 

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Honeymoan

I haven’t been on here for a while, since I last wrote, I gained a husband (Yay) but, I have lost my mojo (boo) I’ve decided to write about everything to see if that will help me figure this all out.

The week before the wedding was extremely stressful, not only was there a wedding to plan, but there was a funeral to attend 3 days before. I was at a complete loss on what to do for my husband as this had affected him quite badly, but he just went into himself and didn’t seem to want to be around me. I tried to just get on with the last of the wedding plans but I was at my wit’s end with worry about him, resulting in neither of us sleeping and then I came down with a sickness bug the week before then wedding, 2 days of this then turned into a full-blown cold. I honestly think I got through those last days on adrenaline alone!

His ex girlfriend was also back to her old tricks of using the children as weapons, threatening that they would not attend the wedding as she wanted more money, quite disgusting really considering she knew that my husband was grieving, I knew she could stoop low, but really?

Our wedding day was beautiful, it was scorching hot and the only downside that was that I sniffed and coughed my way through my vows, but other than that, the day was perfect.

We flew out a few days later for our 2 week honeymoon, I had been so looking forward to this, maybe this could help ease the stresses of the last month or so? Wrong. My husband was not miraculously over his grieving and I was still full of cold, it was a beautiful paradise, yet we were both exhausted and somewhat subdued. I stupidly allowed myself to look at all the other honeymooners and began to compare us against them and made myself quite miserable. I had hoped we would be leaving all our troubles behind, but of course, there are only so many things you can escape, grief and illness not being one of them. It wasnt all doom and gloom and we did enjoy ourselves, but I felt as if we were both slightly distracted, I had probably over romanticized it in my head and once I got over the disappointment of it not being how I imagined, I began to feel guilty and quite annoyed, I’m not even sure who or what with if I am honest.

When we returned, I was still feeling pretty fed up, I put it down to wedding/honeymoon blues and just sucked it up. I was sure once I got back to work I would get back into the swing of things. I arranged lots of lunches/dinners with friends so that I had things to look forward to, I had to literally drag myself out of bed each morning to go to work. At the end of the first week I was feeling worse, I was tearful and erratic and I spent pretty much the entire Saturday in my bed, even eating my meals there. Monday & Tuesday I had panic attacks and I was pretty fed up with feeling like this. It’s such a vicious circle of anger, fear, paranoia and worst of all guilt, I can’t bear the guilt, of thinking how my behaviour is affecting others, the guilt then leads right back around to fear and the whole merry-go-round continues. I’m very lucky to have friends who I can speak to and who keep me going with positive helpful messages. I can talk to my husband, but I think when I do I am feeling one of many emotions and usually to do with him so I either talk in anger, which never comes across great or I stay silent out of guilt or fear.

I spoke to my husband about what I should do and we agreed, as much as anti-depressant helped me before, I really would like to see if I can deal with this myself. So I gave myself 3 weeks to see how I go and last week I ordered myself a Laws of Attraction planner from Amazon, I had Wednesday night at home alone to read through and complete. The Laws of Attraction therapy had worked so well for me, I just need to pick things up again and hopefully I would perk up. Once I had ordered the planner, I started to feel better, I guess it’s because I was taking some action rather than sitting moping around (like I was before writing this blog)

It arrived on Wednesday, it was huge, I couldn’t wait to get it home and filled in. I got it home and realised I probably wasnt going to get this done in one evening, not if I was going to complete it properly, but that was fine, if its going to help me then I am happy to take my time, after all one of my goals is to be more patient. Of course I will be doing a review of this for you all once I’m into the swing of things.

I have been fairly busy over the weekend, but did manage to get quite a bit of the planner filled in, but still have a fair bit to go before I am ready to complete the daily inputs, which are the bits that will really help, also I havent been doing my gratitude EVERY day, like I should be, so it’s no surprise that I am back to feeling crappy and low. After some google searching, I also now have the other concern that I could potentially be experiencing early menopause. I know, I know, you shouldnt google your symptoms, but I did and they aren’t dissimilar to depression, so if it hasn’t calmed down in the next couple of weeks, that is something else I will be speaking to my doctor about.

Surprisingly, or not. I actually do feel better for stopping my moping and writing this, maybe now I will pick up my planner and get some more of that done!

When your comfort doesn’t cut it

I haven’t written for a while, work has been hectic, wedding planning has been stressful and my boyfriend had a bereavement.

I like to think of myself as someone who is good at helping others, if my friends have problems, I am usually one of the people they come to for advise or comfort. Which is why I have found myself in this unusual situation with my boyfriend. He’s one of those types of people who do not want to be comforted, at least not by me and if I am completely honest, I have absolutely no idea how to deal with this situation. Of course, this situation isn’t about me, he is the one who is grieving.I did not know this person very well at all, but I wanted to write about my experience here as it’s not something I have experienced before I and I am finding it quite bewildering and if I am honest, really quite stressful as I want to help and comfort him, but I don’t know how.

For the first time in our 5 years of being together, I genuinely don’t know how to behave around him. Of course I have offered kind words and support, I took some time off work, but got the impression he just wanted to be alone, so I gave him some space, spending the entire time feeling incredibly guilty. When I have spoken to him about it, asking what he would like me to do, he would just say, do what you want to do. What I want to do is to make it all better and to not see him so sad, but I cant do this and it’s so horrible, obviously not as horrible as what as he is going through I know.

I have to say the one thing that has helped immensely is my new-found knowledge of the Laws of Attraction. I think I would have absolutely be back in the Hole if I hadn’t learned about this. I still feel very overwhelmed with everything going on, I’m only 2 months into my job which is very busy and quite pressurised and we get married in 2 weeks (this still hasn’t sunk in) There are still so many little things to do for our wedding, the majority of everything I have already organised, but the last-minute things, which can’t really be done until now, are coming up and I have had to admit to myself that I am struggling to cope with everything, last week I had a complete meltdown at work, luckily my boss is a good friend of mine and knows everything that’s going on.

Usually, if I am feeling like this I can just get it off my chest and move forward but this time I just feel so unbelievably selfish for not being strong enough to deal with the situation, for not knowing the right things to say or do, for not being able to comfort and make my own boyfriend feel better, what sort of girlfriend am I? He’s not massively into communication and likes to keep his feelings to himself so I am trying to respect that.

I feel guilty for talking about the wedding and wanting to feel excited about it. I have photographers etc emailing me with questions and whilst I am dealing with as much as I can on my own, some things do need his input. I have asked if he still wants to get married and he said that he does and that he is looking forward to it.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I’m becoming a right positive Patsy

I had my second LOA session 10 days ago. It was my first day back at work and I was still recovering from my hen weekend, I really just wanted to go home and sleep but I was also excited about my next session.

I felt like I was cutting it a little fine though, my appointment was at 7pm, I had to navigate the M25, including the Dartford tunnel, which is pretty much jammed anytime between 7 in the morning and 8pm at night and the M11. On a Saturday the journey usually takes me an hour but in rush hour, who knows. I got to my car at just after 5.30, the local traffic is always a bit of pain anyway and usually I would send myself into a bit of a stress attack as I absolutely hate being late, but I calmly told myself that I had done everything in my power to get there on time, if I was late it wouldn’t be my fault and Tanya would understand.

Do you know what time I got there, I got there 20 minutes early. I think I stopped at one set of traffic lights the whole way and there was not a spot of traffic the entire journey, not even to go into the tunnel, it was as if the roads had parted for me. Impressive.

The session was brilliant, we discussed my goals and I was given a sheet to complete listing the steps on how I would achieve them, I was also given a vision board where I could put pictures, words, anything I liked that would help me achieve my goals. I wont go into these right now but maybe share them with you at a later date. I was given some recommended reading material (which I have already started) and generally the whole session completely lifted me out of my groggy, hungover state and I left there with that addictive feeling I described to you before, its like I was bouncing!

These sessions have had such an effect on the way I look at everything. Please don’t get me wrong, when I get on the tube some mornings and someone barges me I still get furious and want to punch them in the back of the head, but that anger dissipates very quickly and I dont end up with a cloud hanging over me like I used to. I believe the reason for this is that I have been able to focus on all the good in my life, rather than the bad. It’s absolutely crazy how my mind worked before, something bad would happen, not even particularly bad, maybe something annoying, lets take a bargy commuter for example; pre LOA me would have focused on that person for as long as they were in my vision, how that had annoyed me, how rude it was, then I would have gotten off the tube and treated everyone walking in my vicinity as if they had wronged me. Now, as I said, it’s very quickly forgotten about, my mind just doesn’t want to hold negativity like it used to and its amazing and I am living a much happier life day-to-day.

Now, 10 days later, I am still in my positive frame of mind and when I find myself faced with something negative, finding a positive way to deal with it, is so much easier and I am REALLY excited for my next session, which is in another 10 days.

I think I am starting to get me.

It feels like forever since my last blog post, there’s just been so much going on. I’ve started my new job, which involves a lot more brain activity than I’ve been used to in a while, its been my birthday – I am now 37 years old, someone please tell my brain, although I think my body is too far ahead and thinks its 50 – and I had my hen weekend, which was honestly amazing.

All of these things have obviously impacted my life and most definitely my mindset, I am however, truly amazed at how quickly the laws of attraction (LOA) therapy has changed the way I think and feel. Please don’t get me wrong, I still have down days and I am still an absolute psycho (on occasion) but, what I have realised is that that’s who I am, hence the change in my the main title of my blog from “Who am I?” to “This is me” as I feel like I am finally getting to grips with who I really am and do you know what, I actually quite like me (dont tell Barry!) I am just now more in control of my thoughts, which then go on to affect the way I feel.

Like I said, I still have my down days, let me speak about this briefly, I don’t want to dwell on the negativity, whilst on my positive high 🙂

Since having my first LOA session, I have really noticed when I am feeling down. Obviously we all know when we feel miserable, but now when I feel low, I have this craving for my positive state of mind, I REALLY miss it, it’s totally addictive, more addictive than chocolate or wine and I find that rather than sink into the hole like I would before, I try to think logically as to what could have caused this dip in my mood, often once I have figured out what the cause is (and sometimes its something random) the negativity dissipates and my positive self returns – Hurrah!

Heres an example; It was my fourth day at my new job, my brain was tired, my body was tired but as I walked down the hill on my way home from the train station, I felt like I’d just been given the loveliest gift (I hadn’t, this was just becoming my normal feeling, which as I am sure you can now understand is why it’s so addictive, who doesn’t want to feel like that constantly, especially when I am usually such a negative nancy!) I got home, spoke to my mum on the phone, my boyfriend was seeing the kids.  I was just ending the call when he walked in the house. The strangest thing happened, I instantly felt angry at him, he hadnt even said a word, in fact he’d barely stepped in the room and within minutes we were sniping at each other. I was getting more annoyed because I’d gone from feeling like I’d won the most amazing prize to feeling like I’d stubbed every single one of my toes and I didnt know why. arrrrrghh. I spent the entire night trying to figure out what the hell had happened.

I woke up the following morning and an idea popped in my head, I approached my boyfriend whilst he was brushing his teeth, “Can I ask you something? I don’t want to know the details I just need a yes or no” He stopped mid brush looking concerned, so before he had a chance to decline I jumped straight in. “Did you have a row with your ex last night when you took the kids home?” He looked at me puzzled and said “Yeah I did actually” DING DING DING all of a sudden it all fell into place. That’s why I was so angry, I would never have realised this before. He had brought negative energy into our home, his argument with his ex caused the negative energy, which had clung to him like a bad smell and come into our house and I sniffed it out like a bloodhound and reacted like a rabid dog (ok maybe too dramatic). I know it sounds out there, but it totally made sense, and even better, once I was aware of this and acknowledged it, bye bye bad smell. Amazing, I felt even more in control of my life, always helpful when you’re such a control freak.

Dont get me wrong, it’s not always plain sailing. The week before my birthday I felt so fed up, not because I was getting older (I actually love my birthday) I didn’t know why, it was my birthday AND my hen weekend the following week, why the hell was I so down in the dumps? I was missing my prize-winning, cloud surfing, sickeningly happy self of yesterweek.

I was trying to do my gratitude and my brain wasnt having it, when I finally managed to think of something to be grateful for, my brain would dismiss it “well its not that good” when I tried to muster a positive thought on my way into work, some city twat would barge into me like I wasnt there, so my thoughts shifted to wishing they’d fall down and open man-hole and my negative energy was winning, I kept walking into things and dropping stuff, I wanted to stay in bed and cry. Eventually after a good week of feeling like I was on an emotional rollercoaster I messaged my LOA guru Tanya. In doing so and just acknowledging my feelings and basically asking for help, I felt slightly better and even more so once she had replied, you see, although LOA is amazing, it doesn’t mean I can just sit back and drink all the wine, which is exactly what I had been doing, along with, not sleeping properly due to the new job and the impending hen weekend and not having any time to myself, due to my upcoming birthday which always comes with lots of birthday dinners and drinks and as we all should know by now, especially me, too much booze = a visit to the hole. Once I had talked this through and realised how to resolve this, I found it much easier to get back on that positive frequency. I took a half day from work on my birthday and rather than use it to stay out drinking all afternoon, I actually went home and caught up on some sleep and slowly regained my good self back.

So the moral of this story is you can’t just sit on your backside drinking prosecco expecting the world to fall at your feet (but I gave it a go)

The Ora Experience so far….

As you know from my last blog post, I recently had my first session of a new therapy a friend of mine has started. So much has happened since I had this therapy I just had to write about it, also I am hoping this should cover some of the homework (Tanya?)

I came away from the first session with a whole new sensation in my body, the only way I can think to describe it is like a bubbling, to the point of bursting with a mixture of excitement and a real positive feeling, it’s a bit like when you’ve bought someone a gift and you know they are going to love it, an excited anticipation.

The first noticeable thing that happened, was the day after my first session. I woke up all snuggled in bed feeling what can only be described as content. I thought to myself, “I could really do with a couple more days off and start the new job on Monday” I got up, made some tea and tended to the boyfriend, who had come down with a deadly bout of man flu (a cold). A while later I got a text message from my friend who I was going to work with saying that they made need to delay my start date due to the snow and people not being able to get in. Blimey, I’d only thought about this this morning, the snow hadn’t even been bad the day before.

I spent my day writing and doing little odd jobs, I felt full of enthusiasm and with the principles I’d been given to try out in mind, I found I was noticing quite quickly if I was about to judge, I found myself, rather than focusing on someones dodgy hairstyle or dress sense on TV, finding something positive and actually vocalising it “I like her nail colour” for example. I instantly felt better, this was weird.

My friend text me that afternoon to confirm that my new start date was to be on Monday, well this was going well, I had been reading one of the books Tanya had told me to read and in that it said that you should not doubt things and believe that everything is coincidence, so I thought, you know what, I wanted this and that’s why it’s happened.

The ultimate test came later that evening, when my sainsburys shopping delivery was cancelled 45 minutes after it was due to be delivered. I had no bread in the house and the food I’d planned to have for dinner was in the delivery. My immediate reaction would usually be to be annoyed and throw a hissy fit, but I didn’t, I felt oddly calm. We had food in the cupboards and if need be I could put my wellies on and walk up the shops and get some bread, bread wasnt the centre of the universe anyway (wine is). I picked up my phone, went online and emailed Sainsburys and arranged for the next available slot, which was Friday morning. I noticed that the delivery charge for this slot was £5 more, so I just emailed sainsburys and asked for them to refund the difference. Sorted, along with a dominoes pizza order which is definitely not on the slimming world plan! Oops. But still, I didnt complain, I didnt even get upset (alright the pizza might have helped) I just did something I never ever do. I took it in my stride! ME, I’ve never even taken my stride in my stride before!! Not without worrying about it first.

The following day, the boyfriends man flu had dissipated (slightly) and he went back to work. I was supposed to be having the first of my hen do’s the following day, it was just a small group of us for a couple of people who couldn’t make the main one, it was in London and I thought to myself, I don’t really fancy trekking all the way into London tomorrow. When the original plans had been made I was going to have been at work so it wouldn’t have been far for me to travel at all, but I really wanted to take this time off to relax, I had a really busy week last week and would have another busy week next week.

Later that day one of the girls messaged me saying she may not make it because she may have difficulty travelling in, but to go ahead without her. I said we should wait and see what the weather is saying as we may all have problems getting there. Could this really be another thing I have “manifested”?

Sainsburys also called me to confirm they had refunded the extra money on my delivery, lovely thank you very much.

I was also feeling guilty about my dominoes binge the night before so I decided I must do better today, I had already got up and completed a HIIT session that morning and that had really set me up for the day. The only way I could describe my current mindset is “At peace” Now for those of you that have read my other blogs, you will know I’m much more in pieces than at peace! So this was a very welcome first.

I went to bed that night with a few scoops of (low-calorie) salted caramel ice cream (delish by the way) and a smile on my face. Oh and something else happened, I love to be stroked (pretty sure I was a dog in a former life) I am always pestering my boyfriend to stroke my arm, face, hair whatever, to the point where he now refers to me as a strokeponce. He never EVER does this unless it’s requested, so imagine my surprise as I am in bed reading (the latest Rachel Abbott novel if anyones interested, it’s really good!) he started stroking my hair!!! At first I was like WTAF? But then I just gave a little smile to my strokeponce self and said nothing, if I did he might stop!!

I woke up the following morning feeling groggy, it would appear I have contracted the man flu from my boyfriend, (I was a bit bunged up and headachey, not falling out of my bed muttering about funeral plans as some people do – no names mentioned) I did my 3 things to be grateful for in my head, as I had been each morning since my session and came downstairs to make myself a cup of tea.

The sainsburys shopping arrived later that morning, Hurrah, I was looking forward to having a sausage and egg sandwich. I thanked the delivery girl for being out in this weather, which I realised afterwards I genuinely meant, I really was grateful that she had delivered my food. I put the (low-fat) sausages in the oven (sainsburys reduced fat are yum by the way) whilst I unpacked the rest of my shopping, hang on, where’s the bread?? How am I going to have a sandwich? Dammit it wasnt on the receipt, I was certain I had ordered it! I messaged the boyfriend and ask if he could pick some up on his way home and I said I would have to have a bagel instead, I was just about to complain to him how bad bagels were on Slimming World (11 syns for those of you wondering) when I stopped myself, instead of complaining, what could I have instead? So I ended up with rather delicious half english breakfast, as I like to call it. Oven cooked sausages, grilled bacon, scrambled egg & mushrooms, much better than a sausage sandwich indeed and much more slimming world friendly.

The post arrived and there was what looked like a card addressed to me, odd, someones a month early for my birthday? When I opened it it was a good luck card from my best friend, I was genuinely touched, I actually felt really thankful and it was a lovely feeling, I popped the card up and sent her a message saying thank you and that it was a nice surprise. I opened the other letter addressed to me, from my bank. They are going to reduce my overdraft by £700 on April 2nd. I’ve had these letters before, this happens regularly and even though I know the process it still stresses me out, makes me angry and I usually have a bit of an internal melt down. Not today, I read the letter calmly, decided I would give them a call later to arrange to pay this off monthly, which is how it usually worked, and I would give it no more thought. Who am I?

Then I got a message from my friend, his girlfriend just had their first baby and he wanted to do something nice for mother’s day for her. This is my idea of heaven, I love finding nice things for people to do and helping them buy gifts, if this was an actual job I would be the best at this! I sent over some ideas, which he loved and again felt a lovely warm feeling inside, grateful that my friend came to me and happy that I could help.

Saturday morning I woke up and feeling like I was diluted, it was our weekend to have the kids and because of the weather the boyfriend agreed to pick them up on Saturday morning. I woke up feeling groggy, having had a few glasses of red wine the night before, I was so busy thinking about how rubbish I was feeling I totally forgot to do my gratitude first thing, oops. The kids arrived and brought the usual noise into my peaceful house, I started to feel resentful as I made myself a cup of tea, there was mess everywhere already and the sofa was taken over as they fired up the Playstation, leaving me with nowhere to sit, I was desperately trying to not to feel negative as I wanted to avoid any negative emotions so I came upstairs and re-read the principles that had been given to me as part of the therapy, this helped me to gain some perspective and I did some tidying up upstairs. I find this helps clear my mind sometimes and can help distract me from my thoughts. I wasn’t enjoying this feeling, I missed that fizzy excitement of the last few days and was scrabbling around trying to get it back somehow…maybe some food would help, now we had some bread in the house, maybe it was time for that much coveted sausage & egg sandwich…..This feeling was like a cloud, I could almost feel it and I didnt want it, my friend had given me some sage to burn (I’ll write about this another time) and I was really tempted to eat it or smoke the bloody thing if it would rid me of this negative feeling. I picked up my laptop to update this blog and this is where I am right now, on my bed, typing away, waiting for my sausages to cook, with yet another cup of tea trying to sum up some positivity.

The Ora Experience – The Power of Attraction

Recently I have been feeling what can only be described as “all over the place.” I didn’t know what I was doing, where I belonged and just felt completely lost. I’ve had this before and just muddled through, but this was different, I really needed to do something about it, I just didnt know what.

A friend of mine is a holistic therapist (as well as a Reiki teacher and psychic medium) and I remembered her talking about completing a diploma in the laws of attraction, so I dropped her a desperate whatsapp asking when she was starting this new therapy, she replied saying that she was actually at the class at that very moment and would message me the details. When she did later that day I immediately asked to book in, I was desperate to take some action.

I left my job last Thursday all ready to join my new place this week, but this did not help, I didn’t know what to do with myself and found myself in a huge anxious mess on Monday I was so glad that I had my session booked in for the following day! I was now just panicking that the snow was going to hinder me from travelling to Essex.

Thankfully the dreaded snow that was predicted, the so-called Beast from the East had failed to make an appearance so I hopped in my car (which is still taped up from the recent fence incident) and made my way excitedly off to my first of three sessions.

As I sat there with a nice cup of tea, Tanya went through a questionnaire she had devised;

What do I want to get out of the experience? What my inspirations are? What my priorities in life are etc. I was really honest with her and there was no judgement, I felt totally at ease baring my all, how could I expect this to have any impact on my life if I wasnt going to be honest? We discussed the fact that I am an Empath and I should avoid narcissists. (Have a read up on this, it’s really interesting)

Reiki

I’ve had this before but I think this time I was a lot more open as my experience was certainly a lot more intense this time and so bloody accurate.

She started at my head and asked me if I was missing my parents. Strangely enough this was something I had been thinking about recently, I live in Kent and they live in Essex, not a million miles away but still a good hours car journey spooky that she had picked up on this, it hadn’t been mentioned during the initial chat and I certainly hadnt mentioned this to her or anyone for that matter before.

We’d spoken about my anger issues in the initial discussion, I know that a lot my negative energy comes from indirect dealings with my boyfriends ex, she said she could pick up on this during my reiki session.

She moved her hands over my ears, all of a sudden I felt a massive urge to cry! I wasn’t even feeling emotional! I’d cried about 4 times yesterday, I had no reason to feel like this!? She obviously picked up on this as she asked me if I was ok and I said I felt really emotional.

Next she mentioned that I was thinking about learning something, BLOODY HELL has she been spying on me??? Literally the day before I was looking at open university courses, again, I hadn’t told anyone this, I’d forgotten about it myself?!

She moved to my throat and said about me having issues communication issues with someone, definitely my boyfriend! We’d been through a bit of a tough couple of weeks and I was really struggling with the whole thing and found it difficult to talk to him.

Then she said you have a strong positive female around you. Ahhhh my life coach! She had sent me a message that morning making sure I was ok and it really lifted me.

She said she was going to try to get a spirit for me, she said she would go for my nan & granddad, then she said she had a female about 40 there at first I was like hmm I can’t think of anyone, then I said oh it could be my aunt, she had died in an awful car crash 20 years ago, She said that my aunt felt left out and not part of the family which after she died I found out to be true, she was always really nervous of seeing my family as after my uncle died she thought my family didn’t like her, she said she’s really sending me positive vibes, I was still a bit cautious thinking is this real? Then she said “she’s showing me boxes” well bugger me, I got a bit choked up. One of my last memories of my aunt is being in her house in this spare room full of boxes and she was showing me pictures of her wedding day and I often think about that day. Wow.

She got to my solar plexus and said that there is a fire and passion for creativity, as you all know, I absolutely love my writing and reading!

Then she got to my knees and said she this is where my blockage is and she can see the feeling of being stuck but not to worry, once things got going they would move fast.

After the reiki was over, I felt what can only be described as “lighter” my shoulders didn’t feel so heavy anymore and I felt almost cleansed.

Tarot

Time for another cup of tea and a Tarot card reading. Tanya explained that the reading should match up and/or make sense of the Reiki session Hand me those bloody cards.

I’m not the best card shuffler, in fact I’m quite possibly the worst but I gave it a good go!

My reading was amazing and sooooo positive.

This is all about my awakening, my journey of self discovery BUT I needed to be patient, possibly my least favourite virtue. Dammit. However, it’s all very exciting and I must keep my goal in focus, this would be my writing of course. There is a drastic change, especially financially, well this job I had just landed comes with a significant pay increase which is actually pretty life changing and basically my life was about to get much stronger and stable. Hurrah!

I did pull the deception and envy card, along with the power card. This again refers to the ex, there is a lot of jealousy coming from her and I must use my strength to rise above it.

We then went over everything and spoke more about the laws of attraction and touched on some of the things we would do in my next session in 4 weeks. I was given some exercises to do and some reading material, which I will be getting stuck into with more tea once I finished this blog!

Well blow me bloody down. I came away from there feeling like a completely different person. I was going for dinner with the boyfriend and arranged to meet him in the pub, I got myself a glass of red, sat by the fire and started reading about Empaths & Narcissists (bloody hell I’m a magnet for the old Narcs!)

The boyfriend arrived and I was bubbling with excitement telling him everything, he’s not a great believer in anything outside the box but even he said to me that I looked different and seemed a lot happier.

This morning I woke up and the first thing I did was think about 3 things I was grateful for, this is part of the homework exercises. I then lay snuggled in bed thinking “I could do with another day or two off”

An hour later, I was speaking to my friend who I am going to work with and she said they may have to delay my start day for one or two days. This shit IS for real!

For more information on this therapy, please visit the Ora Holistic website, I cannot recommend this enough.

https://oraholisticwellbeing.com/the-ora-experience-the-power-of-attraction/

For the love of books

One thing I have always loved is reading. I had hypnotherapy last year and one of the questions the hypnotherapist asked in the initial session was do I hear, see or smell. I definitely see. When I am reading a book I am so immersed, I know exactly what that person looks like, for me it like watching a film, it’s the same when I dream its like watching TV.

As I have mentioned before, my ambition is to write books, not just one but many. I want to give to others what so many authors have given to me. I am writing this blog to share my favourite books and givers of book hangovers.

In no particular order:

Kane & Abel – Jeffrey Archer. I must have read this book at least 10 times and it never gets boring, I won’t go into detail on any of these books as I don’t want to ruin it but this really is one of the greatest stories I have ever read.

Dead Simple – Peter James. A friend of mine got me into this series and I am totally hooked. I love how each book has a few individual stories on the go and I now feel like I am personal friends with Roy Grace. If you love detective novels, this series is an absolute must.

Gangster – Lorenzo Carcaterra. One of my absolute favourite authors of all time, the writer of the true story Sleepers, which was made into a Hollywood film. I actually read Gangster before I knew this and I can honestly say I was completely blown away by this book. This is one of the few books I have read several times and each time I love it just as much. I have also read Sleepers, Street Boys, Apaches, The Wolf, A Safe Place & Chasers by this author and they are equally good, I still have a few left to read and I can’t wait.

Room – Emma Donoghue. I received this book as a Christmas present from my brother, I was a bit skeptical as he never seemed to read books, this was an amazing, moving book. I had never read anything like it before, the film is great also but there is nothing quite like the book.

Gone Girl – Gillian Flynn. I was fortunate enough to read this before seeing the film and oh god was it good. If you havent seen the film please read the book first, I can’t tell you why, but I can tell you I read this is 2 days!

Dark Matter – Blake Crouch. This book is beyond describing, I actually read this one on holiday in one day, I just had to know. Most of the above are thrillers but this has a large dollop of sci-fi in it, I find the whole concept of this book completely mesmerizing, I’ve read a lot of Blakes other work and also found Wayward Pines equally addictive.

When you disappeared – John Marrs. Another book I could not put down, this had me sneaking off at work as I had to know what happened. Its books like this that make me want to become a writer, I could not get enough of this book and even now want a sequel (hint to author!!)

I will leave it there (for now!) but would love to know what you guys think and if you have any book recommendations for me.

 

 

 

Slimming World, Hormones & Me

As you have probably gathered from my previous posts, I am now doing Slimming World. I won’t refer to it as a diet, as in actual fact, I’m not being deprived of any food (or alcohol – and I think we can all agree I like a drink or 10)

For those of you not familiar with Slimming World, here is the basic concept. All lean meat, most fish & seafood, fruit & vegetables are what is known as free food, you can have as much of this as you like, this also includes potatoes, pasta & eggs. Yes you read that correctly, as my Mum often said when she was giving me her slimming world sales pitch “you can eat a whole bag of potatoes if you like” but it’s true (although I’m yet to try it) then you have what is known as healthy extras one list is made up of certain dairy products (milk & cheese) and the other is fibre (bread, crackers, cereals) you are to have one from each list per day. Then all other food is given a “syn” value for example a large glass of my much beloved Sauvignon blanc is 11.5 syns. When you sign up to Slimming world, you are given a daily syn allowance, mine for example is 12-15 per day. When you sign up you have access to an online portal where you can find the syn value of most food brands and restaurants and there is also a calculator for anything else. So I can, if I want, still have a large glass of wine every day if I like! Hurrah!

So I’m back on the slimming world wagon (after a 4 week Christmas break) I have lost 3.5lb in 2 weeks, in this time I’ve drank (too much) wine, been to an Indian restaurant (and ate with abandon) celebrated 2 children’s birthdays and not done any extra exercise (I walk 30 mins to Work and 30 mins home which I’ve always done) so I’m pretty much in love with the Slimming World concept right now.

I am not, however, loving my hormones. Sunday night I started to feel, well weird, like I’d had too much caffeine but fed up with it, jittery misery is the only way to describe it. I took Monday off of work as I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for people, this was a mistake as staying home watching Jeremy Kyle only made me more miserable and I was out of my routine. I was now blaming the crateload of prosecco I’d consumed over the weekend. Back to work tomorrow!

Tuesday morning was met with a Moany man banging on about my alarm being snoozed too much and waking him up (he had to get up anyway) I just wasn’t in the mood for his misery so I cried about it when he got in the shower, silently ranting at his cruelty of daring to tell me off when I am feeling so sensitive (like he knew about it)

Wednesday at work was uneventful but I still wasn’t feeling myself, whilst driving home from the station I attempted parking my car on my drive and hit the fence taking half of the back of my car off whilst my boyfriend stood and watched from the doorstep with his hand over his mouth, I just left the car abandoned across the drive, threw him the keys shouting “YOU DO IT!!” I stomped upstairs put my pyjamas on and cried for a bit. Fucking fence.

Its my (blog) birthday

Today marks a year since I wrote my first blog here. Yay!

A lot has happened since then, diet & exercise regimes have come and gone along with a couple of “friends” but the most notable thing is my mental health.

This time last year I was on anti depressants wondering if I would ever be able to come off them, then I did and spent quite a bit of time thinking should I go back on them and finally, now I feel in a good place. I feel the most positive and happy me since god knows when. I am managing to stick to my resolutions/goals and am slowly learning how to actually look after myself without feeling selfish and its bloody great.

I am starting to feel like I am getting my act together, I have a nice little routine in place at the beginning of each week I make a meal plan and order my shopping in, I put a plan to exercise in for a few mornings per week, although I don’t stress about this too much as I do walk for 3 miles as part of my commute to work, I’ve set up reminders on my phone for silly things like to remember to take my lunch or vitamins (these are the things that really annoy me when I forgot as they are so little! But one forgotten lunch can equal a cheeseburger if I’m not careful!) Having a routine, for me, is a huge factor. Dont get me wrong, I like to be spontaneous every now and again, but just the fact that I have an idea of what is going on in my life, such as what I am going to dinner, is somewhat comforting. So tonight, I shall celebrate my blog birthday by going home and getting in my PJs, making a syn free cottage pie and if I am feeling really wild, I might have a muller light after. I can’t wait!!!